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Best Responses From Men: Why Won't He Have Sex With Me?

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Hundreds of women have shared details about their emotionally-strained and sex-starved relationships, and guess who answered.....men!

We compiled a list of "best responses" from men, hoping to shed some light on this difficult subject. Relationships are all unique, and we hope women use these responses as a guide when talking with their significant other.

Men Are Not Sex Objects:

  • Men have different emotions, too, and to put them in a narrow box, assuming they always want sex, or should always be easily excitable, is not fair. Men are not sex objects, just like women are not.
  • I find my girl attractive, we get along, but sometimes I just don't feel like having sex.
  • Sometimes us men just don't know what we should do. So now we both lay in bed and hope the other does something. This can go on for weeks. When we do have sex, I last three minutes when I used to last longer. Well, that just made things worse, and then I was afraid of doing it again. I know we should have more sex, but we put ourselves in this rut where it made us both unapproachable to each other.
  • I wish I could make it better so she is happier about herself and us. I don't cheat—that is way too much work to pull off on the side! Yes, many guys do, but as far as I know they are still having sex with their girlfriends.

Communication Downers:

  • If my girlfriend is insulting, critical...it kills the trust and makes sex feel hypocritical.
  • I am probably also sensitive in the fact that I never want to have sex if we have had a fight or even when there is lingering crap. To me I want it fixed between us before we get busy.
  • Believe it or not, I hate that we don't ever really talk about it. She just will complain or make snide comments (which does not help). I don't want to force myself to have sex (sounds weird coming from a guy).


  • I know it sounds absurd, but I am afraid of her getting pregnant even though we use protection.
  • Too many rules that I can not possibly live up to (in and outside the bedroom).

Thinking About Past, Present and Future:

  • In the beginning, it was effortless. After the honeymoon phase is over, it becomes work to sustain it.
  • She took matters into her own hands and started working out and doing things for herself which made her attitude more positive and also helped her with the lack of sex stress. [Husband] followed suit and began doing the same thing which made their sex life a little more interesting.
  • After awhile excitement level drops off. I was at a crossroads with my future, did I want to spend the rest of my life with this girl? I knew in my heart after you fall in love with somebody, sometimes you have to look beyond the sex.
  • I'm not sure if we've lost the spark and are just going through the motions, but a lot of times, I don't even feel like hanging out with my girlfriend.

Jack of All Trades:

  • Guys tend to “carry the world” on their shoulders. You have to make time for sex, and make your environment conducive to it.
  • A bigger factor I think is she waits until we are ready to go to sleep, when I am dead tired from going-going all day. I seriously can not fathom the energy.
  • I often times don't feel like I deserve to have sex. If I feel like I have to finish something or haven't been successful with some of my goals I don't feel I deserve it.
  • Sometimes I am in the middle of something and I guess it makes me uncomfortable to not finish a task. I know many guys who at the drop of a dime or in the middle of any stressful situations are always up for sex. I guess I don't separate sex from everything else.

The above responses from men cover the spectrum of relationship-types, age-ranges and life circumstances. Most importantly, we hope these responses from men will facilitate improved and effective discussion in your relationship, as honest communication is essential for couples to know if their current relationship is in a platonic (no sex) state for the foreseeable future, or, if they can resume their previous sexual compatibility while resolving other issues.

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Add a Comment101 Comments

EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Then GO YOUR OWN WAY and leave us the f**k alone.

August 16, 2016 - 9:45pm

Too much free online porn. Guys are spending their time watching free porn and jerking off with their phone and at the computer desk. Oh...they're getting it, but there's none left for you ! Welcome to the age of self serve.

August 11, 2015 - 1:51am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to MaagdaThor)

It's true. Online porn has driven the market value of sex with actual women down to the point where, for most men, the benefits are not worth the effort.

We'll give up porn when you give up vibrators. What do you say? You'd best make that deal (or a better one) before we get sexbots too or else it will be game over.

December 11, 2016 - 4:23am
(reply to MaagdaThor)

Out of all the answers & things I've read online your response seems most accurate (in my case at least) at least somebody has the wits to say it. I agree %100 to this post. I am 35 dating a 25 year old & struggle with adapting to this new technology age on a daily basis. I am an 80s child so we don't feel as if we always need our smartphone in our hands.

October 21, 2015 - 4:50am
EmpowHER Guest

My man hasn't touched me in 4 months ! And when I initiate he brushes it off and ignores me. He claims he's not in the mood as much as he used to but 4 months of no intimacy though???

July 27, 2015 - 7:29am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

4 months? Try 3 years, get out while you can. I remember the days long long ago when I was able to say things like that but that is the hardest stage eventually you have to stop yourself from even thinking about it to get through the day without crying or throwing up. It's like being dumped afresh every morning with no chance to heal and move on. I'm trapped I have a child with him. It's a matter of time now before I leave him though because I m just so sick of even seeing him in the house. If only I had cheated on him before I had the child maybe it would have saved me from him because he would have dumped me and maybe I would have ended up with one of the other million men that dosent have this problem. You don't need him don't let him destroy you. "I'm stressed from work, I'm getting old....blah blah blah" it's a list that goes on forever it's not a reason it's just an excuse. I hope he's happy when my new boyfriend answers the door when he arrives for visitations

August 8, 2015 - 1:54pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

I'm in the same situation. My boyfriend and I have been dating 10 months and he hasn't attempted to touch me in a sexually way since pretty much February. We had sex once in May, but it was very quick and pretty much no emotion or kissing. He says it's not me and its stress, being tired, etc...but how long do you deal with it??

August 1, 2015 - 8:36pm
EmpowHER Guest

Don't ignore the possibility or signs of him being a sex addict. My husband of 8 years was not initiating sex, we had sex 1x month upon my complaints. I kept checking his phone and computer history it was always erased. I threatened divorce and requested polygraph. He had admitted to porn addiction and oral sex in adult bookstores with other males. He is in therapy and we are in therapy. I do not know the outcome of our story yet. But do not ignore the signs!!! Now I have a child with this man which makes it more complicated to leave.

July 17, 2015 - 10:34am
EmpowHER Guest

Sex goes both ways, rejection of sex goes both ways. If a man doesnt want it, you should accept it. Afterall if a woman doesnt want it and the men does all this whining and judging like I see all ove this place, that would be wrong now would it?

You are boss over your own body.
And in turn his is boss over his own body
Neither of you are entitled to anything without consent.
And its just sad if you judge them for not putting you on your throne.

June 19, 2015 - 9:06am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

That is true, yet I think the issue here is the lack of sex period in relationships and marriage . It isn't women trying to force men to have sex, more so trying to understand what is preventing them from wanting sex so such a long period. At least that is my issue.

August 1, 2015 - 10:23pm
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We value and respect our HERWriters' experiences, but everyone is different. Many of our writers are speaking from personal experience, and what's worked for them may not work for you. Their articles are not a substitute for medical advice, although we hope you can gain knowledge from their insight.

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