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Best Responses From Men: Why Won't He Have Sex With Me?

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Hundreds of women have shared details about their emotionally-strained and sex-starved relationships, and guess who answered.....men!

We compiled a list of "best responses" from men, hoping to shed some light on this difficult subject. Relationships are all unique, and we hope women use these responses as a guide when talking with their significant other.

Men Are Not Sex Objects:

  • Men have different emotions, too, and to put them in a narrow box, assuming they always want sex, or should always be easily excitable, is not fair. Men are not sex objects, just like women are not.
  • I find my girl attractive, we get along, but sometimes I just don't feel like having sex.
  • Sometimes us men just don't know what we should do. So now we both lay in bed and hope the other does something. This can go on for weeks. When we do have sex, I last three minutes when I used to last longer. Well, that just made things worse, and then I was afraid of doing it again. I know we should have more sex, but we put ourselves in this rut where it made us both unapproachable to each other.
  • I wish I could make it better so she is happier about herself and us. I don't cheat—that is way too much work to pull off on the side! Yes, many guys do, but as far as I know they are still having sex with their girlfriends.

Communication Downers:

  • If my girlfriend is insulting, critical...it kills the trust and makes sex feel hypocritical.
  • I am probably also sensitive in the fact that I never want to have sex if we have had a fight or even when there is lingering crap. To me I want it fixed between us before we get busy.
  • Believe it or not, I hate that we don't ever really talk about it. She just will complain or make snide comments (which does not help). I don't want to force myself to have sex (sounds weird coming from a guy).


  • I know it sounds absurd, but I am afraid of her getting pregnant even though we use protection.
  • Too many rules that I can not possibly live up to (in and outside the bedroom).

Thinking About Past, Present and Future:

  • In the beginning, it was effortless. After the honeymoon phase is over, it becomes work to sustain it.
  • She took matters into her own hands and started working out and doing things for herself which made her attitude more positive and also helped her with the lack of sex stress. [Husband] followed suit and began doing the same thing which made their sex life a little more interesting.
  • After awhile excitement level drops off. I was at a crossroads with my future, did I want to spend the rest of my life with this girl? I knew in my heart after you fall in love with somebody, sometimes you have to look beyond the sex.
  • I'm not sure if we've lost the spark and are just going through the motions, but a lot of times, I don't even feel like hanging out with my girlfriend.

Jack of All Trades:

  • Guys tend to “carry the world” on their shoulders. You have to make time for sex, and make your environment conducive to it.
  • A bigger factor I think is she waits until we are ready to go to sleep, when I am dead tired from going-going all day. I seriously can not fathom the energy.
  • I often times don't feel like I deserve to have sex. If I feel like I have to finish something or haven't been successful with some of my goals I don't feel I deserve it.
  • Sometimes I am in the middle of something and I guess it makes me uncomfortable to not finish a task. I know many guys who at the drop of a dime or in the middle of any stressful situations are always up for sex. I guess I don't separate sex from everything else.

The above responses from men cover the spectrum of relationship-types, age-ranges and life circumstances. Most importantly, we hope these responses from men will facilitate improved and effective discussion in your relationship, as honest communication is essential for couples to know if their current relationship is in a platonic (no sex) state for the foreseeable future, or, if they can resume their previous sexual compatibility while resolving other issues.

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Add a Comment101 Comments

EmpowHER Guest

I agree with a lot of this article but I'd like to add to it, firstly to commenters saying they love their guy and they know he loves them but don't understand the lack of sex, the odds are he does love you and hopefully some of what I say helps coming from the perspective of a guy.

The world of internet porn has certainly had a negative effect on many relationships for both men and women, it's not because a guy/girl would rather watch porn over having sex, trust me, we all want to have sex but where internet porn is hindering relationships in the bedroom is the kind of sex. Online porn allows you to find the type of partner you want to have sex with and not just physically, you would be amazed how much looks doesn't play into it as much as the attitude. I myself am a joke around type of guy, cracking jokes and always trying to have a laugh so in the bedroom I like a girl that thoroughly enjoys sex and can actually smile a bit (c'mon it's sex, smile!) so I don't like a girl that's over serious or over aggressive in bed (e.g. slamming lips together and multiple kisses quickly, I'd prefer softer and 1 or 2 long kisses) so here's a list of things that could be shying your partner away from the bedroom regardless of how much they love you.

- Over Serious, I'm sure some guys like a serious girl but sex to most is about enjoyment and pleasure, try smiling a bit and show your partner how much you enjoy being with them, girls if you feel worthless or undesired because your guy won't sleep with you then how is he gonna feel if you look like sex is just a chore for you?
- Over Aggressive, guess what? Don't want to be treated like the porn stars you think we're watching? Neither do we! Screaming HARDER when a guy is going full steam isn't exactly going to boost our labido, in fact it will have an opposite effect as we now think we can't give you the pleasure your looking for, don't want to be treated like a porn star? It goes both ways.
- Over Vocal, I like moaning and groaning and a girl to get vocal specially when I'm hitting that right spot but I have a limit, if your gonna lay there screaming something over and over. Then the odds are your gonna turn him off.
-Initiator, now this is an interesting subject as many of the commenters have said things like "they're always ready to go", " high sex drive", " I try to intiate" etc, think about it this way, when you first get together there's usually lots of sex but then it fades off, that's cause when your single your always looking to get laid but in a relationship and specially one where the girl is always "ready to go" there's no longer a thrill and combined with many of the stuff I've listed will have an adverse effect, sometimes when a girl is too wanting the guy knows it and for reasons unknown even to the guy it becomes a turn off. But I have 2 ideas to this that are:
Mess and physical, sex is messy and if your a girl that "squirts" it only adds to it, combine that with the physical portion for a guy it could add up to not wanting to bother, personally I don't particularly like falling asleep coated in sweat on a puddle of cum, this will generally mean a change of sheets and a shower so you can sleep comfortable, so my suggestion here is if you notice this is a problem for your guy try discussing it with him to form a better a plan of attack, maybe sex in the morning, make sure that your on top as much as he is to make it not as physical for him.

-Social media, things like facebook, Twitter and even just texting, as a guy myself nothing irritated me more then trying to spend some quality time with my girlfriend and she can't put down her phone, seriously, people can't watch a movie anymore without picking up their phone every 5 minutes to check on there facebook or comment back to something or answer a message, or to mindlessly scroll through their timeline and then what happens? Something happens in the movie and your girlfriends head shoots up and she asks "what happened?" guess what, had you just been paying attention you would know instead of me either hitting rewind or having to try to tell you while I miss a part of the movie, It doesn't matter where you are or what your doing or whether you are a girl or guy, smarten up and put your phone away when your with your partner, you want love and romance and passion? Well they might want your undivided attention for more then 5 minutes. I seriously can't stress this enough, it's honestly maddening, so if you find yourself in postions where he asks a question and you regularly find yourself saying "just a sec" cause your face is glued to a screen then take heed of my advice.

I could go on but I really don't care to, my advice applies to both men and women, if your having problems and you don't know what's wrong it could be something very simple that you wouldn't think in a million years is a problem, so sit down start up a conversation with your partner and figure it out, it may seem irrational what they suggests but instead of getting upset try just listening, if you get upset then the odds are your partner will not bring it up again and your life will not improve, guys can be overly blunt at times and what they say could hurt but it's better to know and possibly rekindle the spark with the love of your life then to just leave him cause your upset.

Hope some of this helps

March 13, 2016 - 11:12am
EmpowHER Guest

My man told me he did not really desire me that much. He finds that as he becomes closer and more intimate and more loving with the woman the desire goes. I'm pleased for the love and plan to slip some viagra into his drink one night! haha Or I just go and get laid somewhere else. We are not in a committed relationship. I will not give up sex one second before I have to. Its way too much fun. I'm attractive and do not nag and do not pester people. He can whack off to porn all day long, I don't care. Men love the chase so don't be so available. Tell him your outa there if he doesn't viagra up already! Then move out, get a life, go get laid already!! bunch of codependent whingers. Ridiculous, stop being door mats.

February 9, 2016 - 8:04pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

You make it sound like the greatest thing in the world. There are things much much MUCH better than sex to be had, for some of us anyway I suppose, I mean clearly some like you would never understand that. "Way too much fun"? If that's your definition of fun then I'm astonished.

July 17, 2016 - 8:11pm
EmpowHER Guest

Ladies, it's simple. As a preface, my then soon to be ex-wife falsely accused me of spousal rape which got her everything she wanted in the divirce, so I speak from experience. To continue, with the proliferation of "Yes Means Yes", the ever expanding legal definitions of rape, false rape allegations, sperm jacking, etc., men are scared to death of you. When he has his penis inside you he is not thinking about what a wonderful shared experience it was meant to be. He is thinking about what his mother did to his father in the divorce. He is thinking about his brother who did five days in county when his vengeful GF timed the restraining order for the day before Thanksgiving. He is thinking about his best friend who's GF lied about being on the pill and is saddled with child support payments at 40% of his paycheck. He is thinking about his uncle who suffered a job loss and was thrown in prison for not making child support payments because he didn't have the money. He is thinking, "Am I next in line for this?" In short, ladies, you have made it too serious a threat to his liberty and livelihood to want to have sex with you. If the legal tables were reversed, would you have sex with him? Answer that question truthfully and you will have the answer to the original question. Cheers.

December 17, 2015 - 3:23am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

well he's probably not thinking of all that at once but maybe one or two of them but I know I'm also thinking of all the times she didn't want sex and all those headaches. For years she wants me to just deal with her not wanting sex. I worked hard on getting my sex drive down to equal hers and then she wants sex more often and I'm like I don't friggin' think so. Of course when it's the man who doesn't want sex it's a huge relationship problem. That's what's going on in my head when I'm having sex. I love her but I'm not just a horny schmuck hanging around waiting for the boss of me to decide if she wants sex or not. Ignore me for years and then she wants to have sex regularly...I don't think so.

March 27, 2016 - 7:04pm
Guide (reply to Anonymous)

This is profoundly true and not fair to men as sexual partners.  Ladies, we should be more sensitive to what fears and reservations men might have about having sex.

February 28, 2016 - 5:36pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

How incredibly sad. Also what a ludicrous comment.

January 26, 2016 - 12:58am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Definitely sad. But if you think it's entirely ludicrous then you didn't do the last part. Commentor definitely has most of the negatives there all rolled into one, but he is not wrong about any of them. I've always been the "nice guy" that women don't want to date, but for some reason feel they can share anything with (that's right ladies, I know all your dirty secrets! ... and still couldn't figure out how to capitalize on that...). What i have learned is that there are at least a few of you out there witb these motives to put the man in a state where he is stuck with you so he wont leave, or if he does leave he's thoroughly punished for it. You specifically may not habe done anything like this, but it does happen a LOT. So these things are all real concerns.

February 25, 2016 - 5:24am
EmpowHER Guest


I'm a 22 year old girl and I've been together with my 28 year old boyfriend for about one and a half year now. We have a great relationship and love each other very much. He cares about me and wouldn't want to loose me and I'm well aware of that.
BUT, here's the problem: In the beginning we were great and had sex very often, but now our sex life is pretty much a disaster.
I often want to have sex with him and I show him this very clearly, but for him sex doesn't at all seem that important as it is for me. He almost never takes the initiative and I can be there naked right in front of him (he tells me that I'm very hot and attractive) but all he does is being funny. He is always joking and trying to be funny, ALWAYS. But in the bed that just doesn't feel right.
Sex for me is about passion, love, having fun, chemistry and all that. Sex for me is not complicated at all, but my boyfriend finds it very complicated that I need foreplay, touches and kisses and things like that before we start the act itself. He gets so easily discouraged.
When it comes to love, he's very cuddly and likes to just lie next to me and hug. And I love that too! But when it comes to sex he seem to think that he should just "put it in" and go for it. But this doesn't work for me or many other women that I know.
I remember in the beginning when we started to see each other as more than friends and by that time I had kissed quite a lot of other guys and girls and I've always heard I'm a good kisser, but he couldn't kiss properly and it felt so weird. It was as if he didn't know how to kiss, or do sex either.
I've never had this kind of sex problem before with a guy and I couldn't help but think: What if he never had anyone before me, or maybe just one girl or so? That wouldn't be a problem for me at all, but the thing is, I will never know the reason of his behaviour since he refuses to talk about his previous relationships and sex/love experiences!! (if there was any). This leaves me quite upset because I can't understand why he acts like this and I don't know how to solve the problem!
We love each other so much and I really want us to have a good sex life (I'm young and having sex 3-4 times per month is not enough!)

So please, do you have any advice for me, what I could do?

December 4, 2015 - 3:24am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Check how much porn he's watching. Porn is normal until it becomes the primary source of sexual satisfaction/gratification. Check out studies by GQ & New York Times on the growing number of men not having sex drives as they're fully fulfilled by their porn life. Men think about sex a lot but instant gratification makes them lazy & stops them Caring about their partner's needs

March 29, 2016 - 9:16pm
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