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Best Responses From Men: Why Won't He Have Sex With Me?

 
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Why doesn't he want me sexually? Photo: Getty Images

Hundreds of women have shared details about their emotionally-strained and sex-starved relationships, and guess who answered.....men!

We compiled a list of "best responses" from men, hoping to shed some light on this difficult subject. Relationships are all unique, and we hope women use these responses as a guide when talking with their significant other.

Men Are Not Sex Objects:

  • Men have different emotions, too, and to put them in a narrow box, assuming they always want sex, or should always be easily excitable, is not fair. Men are not sex objects, just like women are not.
  • I find my girl attractive, we get along, but sometimes I just don't feel like having sex.
  • Sometimes us men just don't know what we should do. So now we both lay in bed and hope the other does something. This can go on for weeks. When we do have sex, I last three minutes when I used to last longer. Well, that just made things worse, and then I was afraid of doing it again. I know we should have more sex, but we put ourselves in this rut where it made us both unapproachable to each other.
  • I wish I could make it better so she is happier about herself and us. I don't cheat—that is way too much work to pull off on the side! Yes, many guys do, but as far as I know they are still having sex with their girlfriends.

Communication Downers:

  • If my girlfriend is insulting, critical...it kills the trust and makes sex feel hypocritical.
  • I am probably also sensitive in the fact that I never want to have sex if we have had a fight or even when there is lingering crap. To me I want it fixed between us before we get busy.
  • Believe it or not, I hate that we don't ever really talk about it. She just will complain or make snide comments (which does not help). I don't want to force myself to have sex (sounds weird coming from a guy).

Fears:

  • I know it sounds absurd, but I am afraid of her getting pregnant even though we use protection.
  • Too many rules that I can not possibly live up to (in and outside the bedroom).

Add a Comment99 Comments

EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

You make it sound like the greatest thing in the world. There are things much much MUCH better than sex to be had, for some of us anyway I suppose, I mean clearly some like you would never understand that. "Way too much fun"? If that's your definition of fun then I'm astonished.

July 17, 2016 - 8:11pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Ladies, it's simple. As a preface, my then soon to be ex-wife falsely accused me of spousal rape which got her everything she wanted in the divirce, so I speak from experience. To continue, with the proliferation of "Yes Means Yes", the ever expanding legal definitions of rape, false rape allegations, sperm jacking, etc., men are scared to death of you. When he has his penis inside you he is not thinking about what a wonderful shared experience it was meant to be. He is thinking about what his mother did to his father in the divorce. He is thinking about his brother who did five days in county when his vengeful GF timed the restraining order for the day before Thanksgiving. He is thinking about his best friend who's GF lied about being on the pill and is saddled with child support payments at 40% of his paycheck. He is thinking about his uncle who suffered a job loss and was thrown in prison for not making child support payments because he didn't have the money. He is thinking, "Am I next in line for this?" In short, ladies, you have made it too serious a threat to his liberty and livelihood to want to have sex with you. If the legal tables were reversed, would you have sex with him? Answer that question truthfully and you will have the answer to the original question. Cheers.

December 17, 2015 - 3:23am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

well he's probably not thinking of all that at once but maybe one or two of them but I know I'm also thinking of all the times she didn't want sex and all those headaches. For years she wants me to just deal with her not wanting sex. I worked hard on getting my sex drive down to equal hers and then she wants sex more often and I'm like I don't friggin' think so. Of course when it's the man who doesn't want sex it's a huge relationship problem. That's what's going on in my head when I'm having sex. I love her but I'm not just a horny schmuck hanging around waiting for the boss of me to decide if she wants sex or not. Ignore me for years and then she wants to have sex regularly...I don't think so.

March 27, 2016 - 7:04pm
Guide (reply to Anonymous)

This is profoundly true and not fair to men as sexual partners.  Ladies, we should be more sensitive to what fears and reservations men might have about having sex.

February 28, 2016 - 5:36pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

How incredibly sad. Also what a ludicrous comment.

January 26, 2016 - 12:58am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Definitely sad. But if you think it's entirely ludicrous then you didn't do the last part. Commentor definitely has most of the negatives there all rolled into one, but he is not wrong about any of them. I've always been the "nice guy" that women don't want to date, but for some reason feel they can share anything with (that's right ladies, I know all your dirty secrets! ... and still couldn't figure out how to capitalize on that...). What i have learned is that there are at least a few of you out there witb these motives to put the man in a state where he is stuck with you so he wont leave, or if he does leave he's thoroughly punished for it. You specifically may not habe done anything like this, but it does happen a LOT. So these things are all real concerns.

February 25, 2016 - 5:24am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Hi,

I'm a 22 year old girl and I've been together with my 28 year old boyfriend for about one and a half year now. We have a great relationship and love each other very much. He cares about me and wouldn't want to loose me and I'm well aware of that.
BUT, here's the problem: In the beginning we were great and had sex very often, but now our sex life is pretty much a disaster.
I often want to have sex with him and I show him this very clearly, but for him sex doesn't at all seem that important as it is for me. He almost never takes the initiative and I can be there naked right in front of him (he tells me that I'm very hot and attractive) but all he does is being funny. He is always joking and trying to be funny, ALWAYS. But in the bed that just doesn't feel right.
Sex for me is about passion, love, having fun, chemistry and all that. Sex for me is not complicated at all, but my boyfriend finds it very complicated that I need foreplay, touches and kisses and things like that before we start the act itself. He gets so easily discouraged.
When it comes to love, he's very cuddly and likes to just lie next to me and hug. And I love that too! But when it comes to sex he seem to think that he should just "put it in" and go for it. But this doesn't work for me or many other women that I know.
I remember in the beginning when we started to see each other as more than friends and by that time I had kissed quite a lot of other guys and girls and I've always heard I'm a good kisser, but he couldn't kiss properly and it felt so weird. It was as if he didn't know how to kiss, or do sex either.
I've never had this kind of sex problem before with a guy and I couldn't help but think: What if he never had anyone before me, or maybe just one girl or so? That wouldn't be a problem for me at all, but the thing is, I will never know the reason of his behaviour since he refuses to talk about his previous relationships and sex/love experiences!! (if there was any). This leaves me quite upset because I can't understand why he acts like this and I don't know how to solve the problem!
We love each other so much and I really want us to have a good sex life (I'm young and having sex 3-4 times per month is not enough!)

So please, do you have any advice for me, what I could do?

December 4, 2015 - 3:24am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Check how much porn he's watching. Porn is normal until it becomes the primary source of sexual satisfaction/gratification. Check out studies by GQ & New York Times on the growing number of men not having sex drives as they're fully fulfilled by their porn life. Men think about sex a lot but instant gratification makes them lazy & stops them Caring about their partner's needs

March 29, 2016 - 9:16pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

We must be dating the same person. It gets incredibly difficult when all you want is to be kissed longer than half a second before being pushed away. I also feel as tho mine is inexperienced; he refuses to talk about previous relationships and encounters and is never serious, never allows me a moment of romance before he says "I'm horny, jump on" in those rare moments that we are intimate. The longest we've gone without sex is about 6 months, and we are now on a quarterly basis if I'm lucky. I get so tired of rejection that I've just given up on a sex life. When I try to talk to him he reminds me that I've gained weight -30 lbs - while in college in the last 6 years. I secretly cry and look at photos of myself when I was attractive and wonder if I'm meant to marry someone who won't even really kiss me anymore or take my chances in the dating world again. The tough thing is I know we really love each other and get along great, but I had more sex in my late teens and early 20s than I have with one secure partner in 6 years. Who needs sex when you can have unconditional love from your cat, who will never make you feel bad? That's about my life now.

January 13, 2016 - 2:43pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

my husband did this to me-- i worked very hard to loose weight and get sexy "like i used to be". (that's what he said all the time when i was overweight -- you are not sexy like u used to be)now he even says " Wow you look great! But he still NEVER kisses me passionately or takes anytime to do anything romantic like massages or get in the hot tub -- i agree with an earlier post Men are watching a lot of porn and that is how they aren't interested in their partners anymore.Mine was totally addicted to porn -- masturbated all the time but never had sex with me and yes i mean never!! and like an idiot i let that go on 15 YEARS!! he always made promises, we even went to counseling-- i now know he was just saying whatever he had to to make me stay, and i wanted it to work too much to look at his ACTIONS and stop listening to his empty promises!!! -- please do NOT marry a guy that criticizes you -- even if you loose the weight, there is no guarantee he will change -- sex is about connecting and showing interest in your partner -- i am not sure there are men like this anymore with all the porn addiction BUT i do know you do NOT deserve to be criticized!! BTW a Keto diet with lots of "fat bombs" helped me loose the extra weight FOR ME!! google; KETO and FAT BOMBS
Best of luck and i hope you left that Ahole. -- i left mine and i do just have my cats... for now. -- but they never criticize me and i am learning how to be my own best friend and build an amazing life for my SELF and if i can do this at 55 anyone can!!!

July 17, 2018 - 2:09pm
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We value and respect our HERWriters' experiences, but everyone is different. Many of our writers are speaking from personal experience, and what's worked for them may not work for you. Their articles are not a substitute for medical advice, although we hope you can gain knowledge from their insight.

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