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Best Responses From Men: Why Won't He Have Sex With Me?

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Hundreds of women have shared details about their emotionally-strained and sex-starved relationships, and guess who answered.....men!

We compiled a list of "best responses" from men, hoping to shed some light on this difficult subject. Relationships are all unique, and we hope women use these responses as a guide when talking with their significant other.

Men Are Not Sex Objects:

  • Men have different emotions, too, and to put them in a narrow box, assuming they always want sex, or should always be easily excitable, is not fair. Men are not sex objects, just like women are not.
  • I find my girl attractive, we get along, but sometimes I just don't feel like having sex.
  • Sometimes us men just don't know what we should do. So now we both lay in bed and hope the other does something. This can go on for weeks. When we do have sex, I last three minutes when I used to last longer. Well, that just made things worse, and then I was afraid of doing it again. I know we should have more sex, but we put ourselves in this rut where it made us both unapproachable to each other.
  • I wish I could make it better so she is happier about herself and us. I don't cheat—that is way too much work to pull off on the side! Yes, many guys do, but as far as I know they are still having sex with their girlfriends.

Communication Downers:

  • If my girlfriend is insulting, critical...it kills the trust and makes sex feel hypocritical.
  • I am probably also sensitive in the fact that I never want to have sex if we have had a fight or even when there is lingering crap. To me I want it fixed between us before we get busy.
  • Believe it or not, I hate that we don't ever really talk about it. She just will complain or make snide comments (which does not help). I don't want to force myself to have sex (sounds weird coming from a guy).


  • I know it sounds absurd, but I am afraid of her getting pregnant even though we use protection.
  • Too many rules that I can not possibly live up to (in and outside the bedroom).

Thinking About Past, Present and Future:

  • In the beginning, it was effortless. After the honeymoon phase is over, it becomes work to sustain it.
  • She took matters into her own hands and started working out and doing things for herself which made her attitude more positive and also helped her with the lack of sex stress. [Husband] followed suit and began doing the same thing which made their sex life a little more interesting.
  • After awhile excitement level drops off. I was at a crossroads with my future, did I want to spend the rest of my life with this girl? I knew in my heart after you fall in love with somebody, sometimes you have to look beyond the sex.
  • I'm not sure if we've lost the spark and are just going through the motions, but a lot of times, I don't even feel like hanging out with my girlfriend.

Jack of All Trades:

  • Guys tend to “carry the world” on their shoulders. You have to make time for sex, and make your environment conducive to it.
  • A bigger factor I think is she waits until we are ready to go to sleep, when I am dead tired from going-going all day. I seriously can not fathom the energy.
  • I often times don't feel like I deserve to have sex. If I feel like I have to finish something or haven't been successful with some of my goals I don't feel I deserve it.
  • Sometimes I am in the middle of something and I guess it makes me uncomfortable to not finish a task. I know many guys who at the drop of a dime or in the middle of any stressful situations are always up for sex. I guess I don't separate sex from everything else.

The above responses from men cover the spectrum of relationship-types, age-ranges and life circumstances. Most importantly, we hope these responses from men will facilitate improved and effective discussion in your relationship, as honest communication is essential for couples to know if their current relationship is in a platonic (no sex) state for the foreseeable future, or, if they can resume their previous sexual compatibility while resolving other issues.

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Add a Comment101 Comments

EmpowHER Guest

The man needs to be the one that initiates sex. She is not going to just jump on you, no matter how illogical this seems, it's not how things are. We need to put the moves on her and she will respond if interested. Be slow and subtle, feeling her breathing, pulling her into you. Remember, the clitoris is the key to the woman, so focus on her responses, but go slow and steady. If you are both in bed together she wants sex with you, make it happen. Just lying there waiting for something to happen is not the answer. If that does not work out, there are many other women that would love this attention, move one. Trust me.

June 18, 2015 - 2:00am
(reply to Anonymous)

That is the best comment on this subject I have heard. Its pretty much what I would have said!!

September 9, 2015 - 6:40pm
EmpowHER Guest

I'm amused by the comment calling men losers and threatening to leave if they don't try harder... as if you could browbeat a guy into getting it up. Then demanding to be 'serviced' even if they don't feel like it. This is the problem with the empowered western woman - who could be turned on by endless browbeating and criticism. Which isn't to say _actual_ strong women aren't hot... Wonder Woman, Supergirl, Red Sonja, Buffy - male fantasies created by men. But endless nagging and agitation isn't hot. And I notice most of the comments still expect the guy to do all the work - gender rolls only when it suites you - maybe the guys want to feel loved and need to be romanced, maybe you need to take charge... with great power comes great responsibility (lol), and you are empowered are you not? Or did you think power was just about what you could get and doesn't come with a price?

May 29, 2015 - 11:51pm
EmpowHER Guest

I guess it all depends on the type of guy, but for the sensitive faithful loving man this is very useful. I can be very bossy and critical at times and I now know that has a whole lot to do with why he doesn't want to have se. It lowers his self esteem and makes sex just another chore that I'm judging. When in reality I just want to love him. So ladies I'm not saying that is your problem, but just think about the way you treat him and the things you say to him. They do affect them as much as they do us.

March 20, 2015 - 3:35pm
EmpowHER Guest

Im 6ft tallm very loud n crazy. Sex was great the first two months we were together. I think hes intimidated by me. But im almost certain hee wants me to have his children. Im 28 and single. Im smoking hot too... I dont get it. I find bringing up the conversation just makes him more shy. Uhggg.

March 15, 2015 - 8:44pm
EmpowHER Guest

This is laughable!
So, we ask "why won't our men make love to us" and they reply "we are not sex objects" and "stop criticising us, cause we feel bad and we don't want to force ourselves"?!
Who's talking about forcing anyone? Who's talking about sex objects? And why would anyone stay in a relationship in the first place, if his girl treated him like that? I'm not saying such situations don't exist. I'm simply saying that, if your girl is THAT bad, to treat you as a sex object or insult you cause you're not one, the problem is the girlfriend, not you!
Now, I would like a real answer to another situation: You are together for at least a year, you're even living together. You can discuss everything, you adore eachother, she looks at you and you know she's meant for you. You look at her and you feel the same. Everytime you hug eachother - and you do that a lot, you think: "This is the best place in the world; your arms!" But, no kiss, no erotic touch, no suggestion that anything could go any further than a hug. And if the girl tries to do anything more, you push her away. She won't complain and she will take it for a few more days. In the end, she asks: "Why don't you want me? Am I doing something wrong?" But to no avail, since, instead of a normal answer, she ends up being blamed that she's pressuring you and the whole thing that initially started as a simple question, goes south.
So, she tries again some days later, with a different approach this time. She tells you that there's something bothering her and she would like to talk to you about it. And she uses soemething like this: "You know... There are several days now that I've been trying to get a bit closer to you. Touch you a bit more erotically, kiss you. Even make love! But you've been pushing me away. Is there something wrong? Is anything bothering you?" And you claim that several days ago, while she was in the kichen doing the dishes, covered in foam, and with a pan of boiling food next to her, you passed behind her and touched her butt! and that meant you wanted to have sex! But, one: she didn't understand it and two: she looked as if she was preoccupied and probably wouldn't have been able to have sex at that specific moment, so, it was her fault that nothing happened, because you wanted it, but she didn't even notice!
So, not only is she not having sex, but she has been blamed that it was her fault! Twice! One cause she was "pressuring", and two cause she didn't notice! The touch on the butt that meant sex, that is.
And so on...
She feels unattractive, she feels lame and unwanted.
And she keeps trying to tell you. Using different ways everytime: Explaining, giving examples, trying to put you in her shoes to make you understand how she feels... but nothing works. She even tries blaming! Maybe it would shake you a bit, and make you take action.
Nothing - no change whatsoever.
Months have passed like that. Lately, I've tried the approach of not mentioning it at all. See how it goes. It's already more than a week that he hasn't even touched me in any other way than the constant hug. I'm sure if I go on for a year, I'll be one year sex-free - if i may. I don't know... could it be hormons? Maybe a health issue? I really don't know what to do. I adore him. And I believe him when he says he adores me too. And I love the hug. I do! I would just like a bit more than that every now and then, while at it.

February 11, 2015 - 4:49am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

I'm sorry you had no sex for a month. But it could be worse. My wife and I haven't so much as held hands in 22 years. We stayed together so our sons would have a father as they grew up

July 18, 2017 - 9:47pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

This is my story too....if I dont kiss him, he will not kiss me....he can hug me, but he can do nothing more....talking with him doesnt work...he puts the blame on me - If it bothers you, go to the sexologist and talk with him about MY PROBLEM. He cannot understand, that he has to go too! I lost all hope...and still, I love him so much...apparently we have different needs, either I accept it or...

September 26, 2015 - 2:55pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)
July 25, 2015 - 10:10am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

This is my exact situation....help

June 20, 2015 - 3:35pm
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We value and respect our HERWriters' experiences, but everyone is different. Many of our writers are speaking from personal experience, and what's worked for them may not work for you. Their articles are not a substitute for medical advice, although we hope you can gain knowledge from their insight.

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