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Best Responses From Men: Why Won't He Have Sex With Me?

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Hundreds of women have shared details about their emotionally-strained and sex-starved relationships, and guess who answered.....men!

We compiled a list of "best responses" from men, hoping to shed some light on this difficult subject. Relationships are all unique, and we hope women use these responses as a guide when talking with their significant other.

Men Are Not Sex Objects:

  • Men have different emotions, too, and to put them in a narrow box, assuming they always want sex, or should always be easily excitable, is not fair. Men are not sex objects, just like women are not.
  • I find my girl attractive, we get along, but sometimes I just don't feel like having sex.
  • Sometimes us men just don't know what we should do. So now we both lay in bed and hope the other does something. This can go on for weeks. When we do have sex, I last three minutes when I used to last longer. Well, that just made things worse, and then I was afraid of doing it again. I know we should have more sex, but we put ourselves in this rut where it made us both unapproachable to each other.
  • I wish I could make it better so she is happier about herself and us. I don't cheat—that is way too much work to pull off on the side! Yes, many guys do, but as far as I know they are still having sex with their girlfriends.

Communication Downers:

  • If my girlfriend is insulting, critical...it kills the trust and makes sex feel hypocritical.
  • I am probably also sensitive in the fact that I never want to have sex if we have had a fight or even when there is lingering crap. To me I want it fixed between us before we get busy.
  • Believe it or not, I hate that we don't ever really talk about it. She just will complain or make snide comments (which does not help). I don't want to force myself to have sex (sounds weird coming from a guy).


  • I know it sounds absurd, but I am afraid of her getting pregnant even though we use protection.
  • Too many rules that I can not possibly live up to (in and outside the bedroom).

Thinking About Past, Present and Future:

  • In the beginning, it was effortless. After the honeymoon phase is over, it becomes work to sustain it.
  • She took matters into her own hands and started working out and doing things for herself which made her attitude more positive and also helped her with the lack of sex stress. [Husband] followed suit and began doing the same thing which made their sex life a little more interesting.
  • After awhile excitement level drops off. I was at a crossroads with my future, did I want to spend the rest of my life with this girl? I knew in my heart after you fall in love with somebody, sometimes you have to look beyond the sex.
  • I'm not sure if we've lost the spark and are just going through the motions, but a lot of times, I don't even feel like hanging out with my girlfriend.

Jack of All Trades:

  • Guys tend to “carry the world” on their shoulders. You have to make time for sex, and make your environment conducive to it.
  • A bigger factor I think is she waits until we are ready to go to sleep, when I am dead tired from going-going all day. I seriously can not fathom the energy.
  • I often times don't feel like I deserve to have sex. If I feel like I have to finish something or haven't been successful with some of my goals I don't feel I deserve it.
  • Sometimes I am in the middle of something and I guess it makes me uncomfortable to not finish a task. I know many guys who at the drop of a dime or in the middle of any stressful situations are always up for sex. I guess I don't separate sex from everything else.

The above responses from men cover the spectrum of relationship-types, age-ranges and life circumstances. Most importantly, we hope these responses from men will facilitate improved and effective discussion in your relationship, as honest communication is essential for couples to know if their current relationship is in a platonic (no sex) state for the foreseeable future, or, if they can resume their previous sexual compatibility while resolving other issues.

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Add a Comment101 Comments

EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

James, women often complain that their husband skimps on foreplay. The reason is that he finds foreplay so boring that he will lose his erection unless he hurries on to the main event. Our sex instincts were formed during all those millennia when life was too short for long-standing unions. Also, because so many women perished in childbirth, men might have several fresh mates--and all that excitement and discovery--in a lifetime. I wish Eros lasted longer, but we can't change how we are wired. Nor can we command the appearance and disappearance of erections. When they are unreliable, we are just as frustrated and humiliated as our women.

July 18, 2017 - 10:11pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

This is incredibly insightful and very helpful. I am a 31 yr old female and my man is 30. We are happy and healthy, both very successful and attractive. Not trying to boast, but the combination of all things is where I have been baffled. I initiate and feel silly for having my pride bruised repeatedly by making advances to no avail. The problem is that it is one thing to be aware of the potential changes and reasons behind the lack of intimacy, but is there actually a way to change them? Given that the physical changes in each gender cannot be hindered, how can we biologically find a compatible partner? There is always compromise... I guess I just have to accept it in this area of the relationship as well. I just don't want to. We have such amazing sex (at least to me it is...) when we do. I wish my compliments and clear desire for him was enough to inspire

May 3, 2017 - 6:19am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Sometimes this will likely mean talking with the
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December 5, 2016 - 8:48pm
EmpowHER Guest

This was the most informative article I've read. It helps to have real answers that make sense and open the door for solutions. Much better than she's fat, she's ugly, she's old, I'd rather have sex with other people. There are choices and this brings a more human side to men as compared to being simple minded sex addict. Thank you and is going to help so much in understanding him and talking to him.

May 7, 2016 - 11:48am
EmpowHER Guest

I got a boyfriend I been with for 3 years we have 2 year old and now he never wants to come near me I always have to make the first move if I don't he won't even talk to me or even give me nothing he don't hug me or anythink when I say about I can't be with someone who makes me feel low and down he sad he anit bothered so I think he don't love me but he says he does I cry mostly everynight as I feel so ulgy and down I don't even leave house nomore need help

April 23, 2016 - 6:22pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Maybe you're just dumb? Your grammar is atrocious. On the plus side, I doubt you're ugly, just uneducated! Props.

October 9, 2016 - 9:54pm
EmpowHER Guest

I am so frustrated. As a woman, I read this and want to yell, "Grow up" to some of the men's excuses and realize your sexual partners are not going to mother you into sex. We women have all the same stressors, insecurities and physical limitations. Men, your ego is too wrapped up into your sex life. Sex is a natural existence not to be over thought. It just is. Relax. As women, we communicate. We can express our needs and desires and even better we can LISTEN and RECIEVE your's without judgement. If we make a noise you don't like, tell us? We are not mind readers. Communicate!

Seriously, several of the comments from men show they need professional help. So man up, and go get it. It will benefit you and your partners. As a woman, I've been molested as a child and got professional help and now have normal sex desires and understanding. I have for many years.

There is no excuse for a man to not pleasure his partner even if they aren't wanting to have intercourse. It's selfish to think otherwise. Plus, you might just find you like it. ;)

April 8, 2016 - 6:23pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Did you basically objectify men? I seriously cannot believe you said have sex even if you don't want to. Also you just shit on the actual thoughts and personal feelings somebody had. Why? Because they didn't agree with what you think? Men are just throbbing hard mindless sex toys you feminist.

September 30, 2016 - 4:52pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Or your woman could just get tired of not feeling wanted, and simply move on...

April 14, 2016 - 1:31am
EmpowHER Guest

The answer to this question is not simple. But, in the USA, stressful work or too much work IS THE MAIN reason (there are many other major reasons as well) that I've seen that people are not having sex or even going out. It's so bad in some cities of the US that some have little more than Easter and Christmas off and one day a week off...and this goes on for decades and this kills sex drive and romance. Even having kids does not kill romance and sex like demanding hours or a stressful job(s). Some people have learned how to deal with work stress far better than most, but these people are rare. And it's not the bosses who are real stressed usually--the boss can play the back 9 or take it off to sit in the sauna any day of the week if he or she wants...if the typical person did this, they'd be fired nearly immediately. Not to mention, often the typical person is working more than one job here because the first main job does not pay the bills. (I myself will die broke before I work a full time and part time job, because overwork also destroys health quickly and I've seen it to so to many who did it.)

March 19, 2016 - 1:14pm
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We value and respect our HERWriters' experiences, but everyone is different. Many of our writers are speaking from personal experience, and what's worked for them may not work for you. Their articles are not a substitute for medical advice, although we hope you can gain knowledge from their insight.

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