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Best Responses From Men: Why Won't He Have Sex With Me?

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Hundreds of women have shared details about their emotionally-strained and sex-starved relationships, and guess who answered.....men!

We compiled a list of "best responses" from men, hoping to shed some light on this difficult subject. Relationships are all unique, and we hope women use these responses as a guide when talking with their significant other.

Men Are Not Sex Objects:

  • Men have different emotions, too, and to put them in a narrow box, assuming they always want sex, or should always be easily excitable, is not fair. Men are not sex objects, just like women are not.
  • I find my girl attractive, we get along, but sometimes I just don't feel like having sex.
  • Sometimes us men just don't know what we should do. So now we both lay in bed and hope the other does something. This can go on for weeks. When we do have sex, I last three minutes when I used to last longer. Well, that just made things worse, and then I was afraid of doing it again. I know we should have more sex, but we put ourselves in this rut where it made us both unapproachable to each other.
  • I wish I could make it better so she is happier about herself and us. I don't cheat—that is way too much work to pull off on the side! Yes, many guys do, but as far as I know they are still having sex with their girlfriends.

Communication Downers:

  • If my girlfriend is insulting, critical...it kills the trust and makes sex feel hypocritical.
  • I am probably also sensitive in the fact that I never want to have sex if we have had a fight or even when there is lingering crap. To me I want it fixed between us before we get busy.
  • Believe it or not, I hate that we don't ever really talk about it. She just will complain or make snide comments (which does not help). I don't want to force myself to have sex (sounds weird coming from a guy).


  • I know it sounds absurd, but I am afraid of her getting pregnant even though we use protection.
  • Too many rules that I can not possibly live up to (in and outside the bedroom).

Thinking About Past, Present and Future:

  • In the beginning, it was effortless. After the honeymoon phase is over, it becomes work to sustain it.
  • She took matters into her own hands and started working out and doing things for herself which made her attitude more positive and also helped her with the lack of sex stress. [Husband] followed suit and began doing the same thing which made their sex life a little more interesting.
  • After awhile excitement level drops off. I was at a crossroads with my future, did I want to spend the rest of my life with this girl? I knew in my heart after you fall in love with somebody, sometimes you have to look beyond the sex.
  • I'm not sure if we've lost the spark and are just going through the motions, but a lot of times, I don't even feel like hanging out with my girlfriend.

Jack of All Trades:

  • Guys tend to “carry the world” on their shoulders. You have to make time for sex, and make your environment conducive to it.
  • A bigger factor I think is she waits until we are ready to go to sleep, when I am dead tired from going-going all day. I seriously can not fathom the energy.
  • I often times don't feel like I deserve to have sex. If I feel like I have to finish something or haven't been successful with some of my goals I don't feel I deserve it.
  • Sometimes I am in the middle of something and I guess it makes me uncomfortable to not finish a task. I know many guys who at the drop of a dime or in the middle of any stressful situations are always up for sex. I guess I don't separate sex from everything else.

The above responses from men cover the spectrum of relationship-types, age-ranges and life circumstances. Most importantly, we hope these responses from men will facilitate improved and effective discussion in your relationship, as honest communication is essential for couples to know if their current relationship is in a platonic (no sex) state for the foreseeable future, or, if they can resume their previous sexual compatibility while resolving other issues.

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Add a Comment101 Comments

EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Can't you women stop being selfish and maybe exercise some self control for once? Some guys don't give a shit about sex, nor do they care that you apparently think you deserve it or worse - are entitled to it. You are not. Nobody is. Sex is not a validation tool, it is - by biological design - for procreation.

June 21, 2018 - 9:25pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Someone has a bit of a chip on their shoulder! I'm willing to bet you don't have respectful relationships with women.

July 5, 2018 - 12:41pm
(reply to Anonymous)

Oh my goodness, this exact thing is happening to me right now!! Literally word for word!! I came here looking for the same answers too but I'm at a lost like you, girl! I'm not sure whether to give up with the guy or stay a little longer to make sure I'm not jumping the gun; but yeah I've never had this happen before and it's a little disconcerting to say the least! Hopefully we can help each other out here! :) x

December 29, 2017 - 10:10pm
EmpowHER Guest

Well I've never posted or anything like this before.
I really love my man. I'd do anything for him. We work together everyday. And the time we do have is spent mainly sleeping, cleaning, or watching movies. Well I don't watch them.
Recently, as in the last few months, it seems like he does so much stuff to avoid me. He's literally ALWAYS doing something. Then when it's time for bed he says He's exhausted.
I thought it was me for the longest. Sometimes i still do. Was I too fat? Was it because I cut my hair? He does like long haired girls more.
This article helped me understand just a little bit more. I don't know how to fix it. But at least I have somewhere to start.

November 5, 2017 - 9:44am
EmpowHER Guest

Like a lot of other women on her, I went thru the same things with my ex. But unlike a lot of posts, there were a lot more problems in my relationship. We were together three years before I found out he was seeing someone else. Keeping two women satisfied, or was she going without. I don't know. All I know is that for those first three years, I felt so loved, desired and wanted. But the life was a lie. After I found out about her, I was devastated. He asked for another chance, swore he would never hurt me again, and since I loved him so much I gave him that chance. Two months later, I find out he's texting a different woman wanting sex from her. He said it was a joke, didn't mean anything, they were friends. Ok. After I took him back, all I can think of is that the challenge was over. Our sex life declined. It should have been me, but it wasn't. I tried a lot of things. Body stockings, negligee, maid costumes, wigs, being myself, trying to kiss him, hug him. He would tell me he didn't want to kiss or hug if he wasn't feeling like he wanted sex. I was rejected over and over. The hurt of rejection is horrible. I would try to tell him that, and it would end up in a fight. He was very defensive always. He was on dating sites a lot. I caught him, but never saw where he had sent messages. He said it was fun to look. And porn was definitely a problem. I spent so many nights in bed lonely, crying, while he was on the computer. He was a truck driver. I thought he would be missing me and want me when he got off the road. But no. My trust with him was totally gone. The affair, the porn, dating sites, texts to another woman, not answering his phone when I called, all led to my distrust. But as pathetic as I am, I would still be with him if he had showed me affection and had sex with me. I always felt he was getting it somewhere else. This article did explain a lot though. I always felt his libido would pick up with someone new. I am a good woman, smart, beautiful, giving, everything. But I couldn't be bright, shiny and new to him. So now I'm bright, shiny and new to someone else. And the sex is great. For now.

September 3, 2017 - 10:27am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

It's an unfortunate place to be when you've been bamboozled by someone who can play the part of a loving partner but not actually 'be' that loving partner, but a fraud. People who cheat will justify it to make up for being a weak, selfish and insecure person who cannot communicate effectively. Being a strong person with good character may notice attractive people, but their self respect and dignity and their commitment to their relationship will supersede any temptation.

You were the strong one in that relationship, it just to you some time to realize who you were dealing with. His lack of character and his actions that followed were more of a reflection of his weak character, not yours.

November 14, 2017 - 8:19am
EmpowHER Guest

As a man, I seriously cannot imagine what it would be like to be with a woman who actually gave a fig about having sex. From my experience, women want sex to accomplish two goals: getting married and having kids. Once those two goals are met, there is no longer any need for sex. From that point on, sex becomes something a woman does to please the man, essentially, to keep him around. If the man had some kind of accident and lost his ability to have sex, there would be no real loss to the relationship from the woman’s point of view, simply because the woman never really cared about sex to begin with. I’m sure there are rare women out there who actually want sex and are truly interested in the subject, it has simply been my experience that such women are extremely few and far between.

June 11, 2017 - 2:16am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Some of us women enjoy sex. The more I connect intellectually and emotionally, the more I want you. I’m celibate (almost 4 yrs) after being in a suck ass relationship but look forward to one day getting back out there. I’ve done the whole marriage & kids thing, so those aren’t my goals, though connecting on a Deeper level in a meaningful, healthy sex life, running after God, build each other up type relationship would suit me just fine ♥️ Hang in there

April 3, 2018 - 9:42pm
(reply to Anonymous)

Are you being serious? As a female of consenting age i can 100% tell you that you are so very wrong! I have never been interested in marriage and my 2 children were conceived in a loving relationship, and then, same as today and in another relationship i have sex because it gives me pleasure, orgasms and because i

December 8, 2017 - 10:40pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

This is untrue in alot of woman. I've been in a relationshipfor almost a year. I have not let myself go if anything I've done my best to keep up with myself so I'm more attractive. But my man will not have sex with me I just don't understand why
But I catch him doing and watching things online. Not just open but looking up girls on Facebook watching live feeds. I'm a sexual person. I want sex because it's amazing. But if I do get it which is not often it's terrible. I love him but I'm really thinking abnout leaving him be cause of this I can't take it anymore. I am staying loyal. This is starting to really bother me!

June 30, 2017 - 7:52am
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We value and respect our HERWriters' experiences, but everyone is different. Many of our writers are speaking from personal experience, and what's worked for them may not work for you. Their articles are not a substitute for medical advice, although we hope you can gain knowledge from their insight.

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