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Best Responses From Men: Why Won't He Have Sex With Me?

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Hundreds of women have shared details about their emotionally-strained and sex-starved relationships, and guess who answered.....men!

We compiled a list of "best responses" from men, hoping to shed some light on this difficult subject. Relationships are all unique, and we hope women use these responses as a guide when talking with their significant other.

Men Are Not Sex Objects:

  • Men have different emotions, too, and to put them in a narrow box, assuming they always want sex, or should always be easily excitable, is not fair. Men are not sex objects, just like women are not.
  • I find my girl attractive, we get along, but sometimes I just don't feel like having sex.
  • Sometimes us men just don't know what we should do. So now we both lay in bed and hope the other does something. This can go on for weeks. When we do have sex, I last three minutes when I used to last longer. Well, that just made things worse, and then I was afraid of doing it again. I know we should have more sex, but we put ourselves in this rut where it made us both unapproachable to each other.
  • I wish I could make it better so she is happier about herself and us. I don't cheat—that is way too much work to pull off on the side! Yes, many guys do, but as far as I know they are still having sex with their girlfriends.

Communication Downers:

  • If my girlfriend is insulting, critical...it kills the trust and makes sex feel hypocritical.
  • I am probably also sensitive in the fact that I never want to have sex if we have had a fight or even when there is lingering crap. To me I want it fixed between us before we get busy.
  • Believe it or not, I hate that we don't ever really talk about it. She just will complain or make snide comments (which does not help). I don't want to force myself to have sex (sounds weird coming from a guy).


  • I know it sounds absurd, but I am afraid of her getting pregnant even though we use protection.
  • Too many rules that I can not possibly live up to (in and outside the bedroom).

Thinking About Past, Present and Future:

  • In the beginning, it was effortless. After the honeymoon phase is over, it becomes work to sustain it.
  • She took matters into her own hands and started working out and doing things for herself which made her attitude more positive and also helped her with the lack of sex stress. [Husband] followed suit and began doing the same thing which made their sex life a little more interesting.
  • After awhile excitement level drops off. I was at a crossroads with my future, did I want to spend the rest of my life with this girl? I knew in my heart after you fall in love with somebody, sometimes you have to look beyond the sex.
  • I'm not sure if we've lost the spark and are just going through the motions, but a lot of times, I don't even feel like hanging out with my girlfriend.

Jack of All Trades:

  • Guys tend to “carry the world” on their shoulders. You have to make time for sex, and make your environment conducive to it.
  • A bigger factor I think is she waits until we are ready to go to sleep, when I am dead tired from going-going all day. I seriously can not fathom the energy.
  • I often times don't feel like I deserve to have sex. If I feel like I have to finish something or haven't been successful with some of my goals I don't feel I deserve it.
  • Sometimes I am in the middle of something and I guess it makes me uncomfortable to not finish a task. I know many guys who at the drop of a dime or in the middle of any stressful situations are always up for sex. I guess I don't separate sex from everything else.

The above responses from men cover the spectrum of relationship-types, age-ranges and life circumstances. Most importantly, we hope these responses from men will facilitate improved and effective discussion in your relationship, as honest communication is essential for couples to know if their current relationship is in a platonic (no sex) state for the foreseeable future, or, if they can resume their previous sexual compatibility while resolving other issues.

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Add a Comment101 Comments

EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

We must be dating the same person. It gets incredibly difficult when all you want is to be kissed longer than half a second before being pushed away. I also feel as tho mine is inexperienced; he refuses to talk about previous relationships and encounters and is never serious, never allows me a moment of romance before he says "I'm horny, jump on" in those rare moments that we are intimate. The longest we've gone without sex is about 6 months, and we are now on a quarterly basis if I'm lucky. I get so tired of rejection that I've just given up on a sex life. When I try to talk to him he reminds me that I've gained weight -30 lbs - while in college in the last 6 years. I secretly cry and look at photos of myself when I was attractive and wonder if I'm meant to marry someone who won't even really kiss me anymore or take my chances in the dating world again. The tough thing is I know we really love each other and get along great, but I had more sex in my late teens and early 20s than I have with one secure partner in 6 years. Who needs sex when you can have unconditional love from your cat, who will never make you feel bad? That's about my life now.

January 13, 2016 - 2:43pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

my husband did this to me-- i worked very hard to loose weight and get sexy "like i used to be". (that's what he said all the time when i was overweight -- you are not sexy like u used to be)now he even says " Wow you look great! But he still NEVER kisses me passionately or takes anytime to do anything romantic like massages or get in the hot tub -- i agree with an earlier post Men are watching a lot of porn and that is how they aren't interested in their partners anymore.Mine was totally addicted to porn -- masturbated all the time but never had sex with me and yes i mean never!! and like an idiot i let that go on 15 YEARS!! he always made promises, we even went to counseling-- i now know he was just saying whatever he had to to make me stay, and i wanted it to work too much to look at his ACTIONS and stop listening to his empty promises!!! -- please do NOT marry a guy that criticizes you -- even if you loose the weight, there is no guarantee he will change -- sex is about connecting and showing interest in your partner -- i am not sure there are men like this anymore with all the porn addiction BUT i do know you do NOT deserve to be criticized!! BTW a Keto diet with lots of "fat bombs" helped me loose the extra weight FOR ME!! google; KETO and FAT BOMBS
Best of luck and i hope you left that Ahole. -- i left mine and i do just have my cats... for now. -- but they never criticize me and i am learning how to be my own best friend and build an amazing life for my SELF and if i can do this at 55 anyone can!!!

July 17, 2018 - 2:09pm
EmpowHER Guest

I've had this problem for around 45 years, married 47 going on 48. He never had an interest in me. Just wants to alone we had sex a couple times. He doesn't talk to me, touch me sleep with me. I have no idea what went wrong or why. not gay or into porn. My mistake was not just to leave, I'm sure he wouldn't have missed me or even cared. Just to old no to care any more have no where to go.

November 14, 2015 - 1:58pm
(reply to Anonymous)

Same problem. Wasted 43 years. No communication, no sex. Found out he masturbated all our married life. No porn just fantasies including friends. Guess that was all he wanted. Now too old to leave like you no where to go. If they don't communication women please leave or you will be sorry. And masturbation is NOT a substitute for sex and DOES NOT make sex better.

May 9, 2016 - 8:11pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Wow that is a long time to be unhappy. It probably feels like you guys are just coexisting. Not even friends because friends at least talk to you and listen to you and care about your well being. Someone so mentally and physically detached from you is dragging you down. I know how you feel about nowhere to go because I was stuck like that for 10 yrs. My son is what got me through it. Surely you have a friend or family member that can help you till you get on your feet. Have you ever tried telling him how you feel and how it's affecting you? If so get out quick because he apparently hasn't cared to try. Don't waste any more time with someone who has the personality of a rock. Worst case scenario you go to every womans place or the DHS to help you start a new life!! Hope you get the help you need!

November 14, 2015 - 4:14pm
EmpowHER Guest

I have been with my partner for over a year now. We were both nervous of starting the relationship because of past heartbreaks, but realized we should just go for it and we did. We didn't say the 3 letter word until we felt ready, but 4 months later we bought our own flat together and I can honestly say I have in every other respect never been happier and he says the same, both love each other.
However, just before we moved in together, he stopped sleeping with me as often. We stopped having as much 'fun' as we used to (and we were quite excitable at the beginning!). This has just gotten worse... 10 months he now only has sex with me about every 3-4 weeks? Last time was about 6 weeks ago. I have tried everything, especially giving him space and time, buying nice lingerie, trying to spoil him, 'treating him', just being romantic, cuddly, playful - and this isn't all the time, as I say, I would only try something if I know he isn't stressed or tired, and with plenty of time in between so it doesn't seem like I am harassing him. I love him and trust him to know he isn't sleeping with someone else, he's still very happy and romantic and buying me flowers, but he just is never in the mood and doesn't turn on to me...
10 months now this has gone on, and I have tired so hard, but its breaking me emotionally and mentally and ruining my confidence, making me question whether I am good enough, maybe I'm not attractive enough for him, all these things. I have spoken to him about it, and he said he would try, even mentioned the doctors, but he never went and for me, I can't see him trying... i am trying so hard to be careful and understanding about this as I don't want to ruin his confidence, but what do I do when its ruining mine? Can anyone help??

November 7, 2015 - 10:31am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Don't know your situation but have you ever refused to have sex with him in the past? You mentioned him having less sex when you moved into your new home do you think he may be thinking you two are moving too fast. Any talks of having children that may have scared him or made him think he's not ready to commit? Men are sensitive in the sex area they enjoy sex more than you could imagine but however these days it seems it comes with great concern of trust if you mention kids and he is not ready that may put the brakes on getting someone pregnant when he is not ready to become a father can be a serious fear he will always have it in his mind if he can trust you. He may be thinking your wanting more sex or sex often is leading to pregnancy. All I'm saying is these days a man that is worry free of his partner with full trust not someone trying to trap him in any way and he will have all the sex possible maybe you need to sit down and talk about it assure him that any decision on children will be made together and you will take proper actions,birth control.etc... if everything else in your relationship is great except sex then the problem has to be in this area he feels insecure or there is a trust issue talk to him he may feel trapped and not want to mention anything and upset you in anyway men do not know how to get feelings across without upsetting women so they choose not to and just let it ride until something happens you give up and go when all can be resolved if you know where to start let him know your true intention you enjoy having sex and you want it more and he will be more than happy to give it if he has a clear head men love sex also but too much happening these days some think it's almost not worth the risk hope this helps

March 12, 2016 - 1:49pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

I know exactly how you feel. My boyfriend and I have been together 3 years. It was great and fun at first but now we have sex maybe twice a month and it's only when he wants to. I make every effort to show him I'm interested and he smiles at me and says I'm sexy but doesn't act on it. I know he's faithful to me and loves me but it's very stressful. As women we always take it personal even when our other half seems uninterested. My boyfriend has told me several times that it's not me and he's still attracted to me but I still take it personal. He also says that he needs to go see a doctor and needs to seek help but never does so obviously I take that to heart as well. I honestly think it could be a change in their diet or they are lacking vitamins. There are actually several things you can try that are natural if your man is willing to try for his benefit as well as yours. A supplement called horny goat weed with maca powder is supposed to be a huge testosterone and libido booster for men and woman. L-ARGININE is also a good booster for men. If you Google natural libido boosters there are lots of other interesting methods as well. Have him also take a multivitamin every day!!! I hope this helps you!!

November 7, 2015 - 6:26pm
EmpowHER Guest

I'm dating a guy ,we've kissed and made out but we haven't had sex. I've been dating this guy since march and it's currently September ..... What's going on? He says he wants to take things steady but I feel like he's friend zoning me and even he doesn't know it yet .

September 16, 2015 - 5:54pm
EmpowHER Guest

It's the MGTOW. It's Going viral! Get used to it, ladies.

September 5, 2015 - 12:05am
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