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Best Responses From Men: Why Won't He Have Sex With Me?

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Hundreds of women have shared details about their emotionally-strained and sex-starved relationships, and guess who answered.....men!

We compiled a list of "best responses" from men, hoping to shed some light on this difficult subject. Relationships are all unique, and we hope women use these responses as a guide when talking with their significant other.

Men Are Not Sex Objects:

  • Men have different emotions, too, and to put them in a narrow box, assuming they always want sex, or should always be easily excitable, is not fair. Men are not sex objects, just like women are not.
  • I find my girl attractive, we get along, but sometimes I just don't feel like having sex.
  • Sometimes us men just don't know what we should do. So now we both lay in bed and hope the other does something. This can go on for weeks. When we do have sex, I last three minutes when I used to last longer. Well, that just made things worse, and then I was afraid of doing it again. I know we should have more sex, but we put ourselves in this rut where it made us both unapproachable to each other.
  • I wish I could make it better so she is happier about herself and us. I don't cheat—that is way too much work to pull off on the side! Yes, many guys do, but as far as I know they are still having sex with their girlfriends.

Communication Downers:

  • If my girlfriend is insulting, critical...it kills the trust and makes sex feel hypocritical.
  • I am probably also sensitive in the fact that I never want to have sex if we have had a fight or even when there is lingering crap. To me I want it fixed between us before we get busy.
  • Believe it or not, I hate that we don't ever really talk about it. She just will complain or make snide comments (which does not help). I don't want to force myself to have sex (sounds weird coming from a guy).


  • I know it sounds absurd, but I am afraid of her getting pregnant even though we use protection.
  • Too many rules that I can not possibly live up to (in and outside the bedroom).

Thinking About Past, Present and Future:

  • In the beginning, it was effortless. After the honeymoon phase is over, it becomes work to sustain it.
  • She took matters into her own hands and started working out and doing things for herself which made her attitude more positive and also helped her with the lack of sex stress. [Husband] followed suit and began doing the same thing which made their sex life a little more interesting.
  • After awhile excitement level drops off. I was at a crossroads with my future, did I want to spend the rest of my life with this girl? I knew in my heart after you fall in love with somebody, sometimes you have to look beyond the sex.
  • I'm not sure if we've lost the spark and are just going through the motions, but a lot of times, I don't even feel like hanging out with my girlfriend.

Jack of All Trades:

  • Guys tend to “carry the world” on their shoulders. You have to make time for sex, and make your environment conducive to it.
  • A bigger factor I think is she waits until we are ready to go to sleep, when I am dead tired from going-going all day. I seriously can not fathom the energy.
  • I often times don't feel like I deserve to have sex. If I feel like I have to finish something or haven't been successful with some of my goals I don't feel I deserve it.
  • Sometimes I am in the middle of something and I guess it makes me uncomfortable to not finish a task. I know many guys who at the drop of a dime or in the middle of any stressful situations are always up for sex. I guess I don't separate sex from everything else.

The above responses from men cover the spectrum of relationship-types, age-ranges and life circumstances. Most importantly, we hope these responses from men will facilitate improved and effective discussion in your relationship, as honest communication is essential for couples to know if their current relationship is in a platonic (no sex) state for the foreseeable future, or, if they can resume their previous sexual compatibility while resolving other issues.

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Add a Comment101 Comments

EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Me too!!then I hit my self worth button yet I get compliments daily from the male gender and they mean nothing to me because I only want compliments from my BF!
I'm 5'4, petite size 2-4, red head with long hair, big green eyes and I try to make sure I always look great for him. I love to cook and clean and do homey stuff. He compliments me nightly on my culinary skills but shows little interest in me physically. And I know I have a super high sex drive but that should be a plus?!

August 17, 2015 - 1:46pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

you are not alone...I am going thru the same situation. I love him and care about him but I guess we have to accept that they are not sexual guys :( or we need to move on

February 27, 2015 - 12:31am
EmpowHER Guest

It's the MGTOW. Women beware, big changes are coming as MGTOW spreads like wildfire among men!

February 10, 2015 - 1:34pm
EmpowHER Guest

Loads of crap. It all comes down to either being lazy or too comfortable, thinking that no effort needs to be made anymore because you two will be together anyway (careful, she might leave you for someone who MAKES the effort)...or the fact that you either can't stay hard or last only a few minutes. Trust me, if that's why you're withholding sex and intimacy from your supposed lover, then you're a loser. She wants both sex and the intimacy from you, you can go down on her you know, it's not all about the intercourse.

February 9, 2015 - 12:43pm
EmpowHER Guest

My boyfriend and I have many years of knowing each other, and through out those years we always had great sex. Now that we made it official, to be exact one year. We only have sex Once a month and if that! I tried talking and he says he doesn't want me asking for it,but when he let's a month roll by he gets me worried. I know he's not cheating, I do trust him. But I'm getting frustrated. I dont want to cheat because, we have a great relationship and always a good time . I just can't take it. I feel unattractive. He may love me but not as a lover ... so please any advise????

January 15, 2015 - 9:52pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

I feel the same way I just don't kno what to do I'm not a cheater I'm very faithful and I don't wanna break up with him but we're not havin sex and I don't wanna be in an open relationship either so I just don't kno what to do I tried writing him a letter to express how I feel since he doesn't like to talk but we still haven't talked about the letter or reply with another letter about my letter I'm just lost and ready to give in and up

March 24, 2015 - 11:09am
(reply to Anonymous)

I'm in the same situation ...I don't want to break up because everything else is fine. I decided to set deadlines and I know breaking up may work for him to change

January 4, 2016 - 6:06pm
EmpowHER Guest

I have been dating my boyfriend for 6 months . I have never thought I would be in position where im the one who wants sex and he doesn't .im 26 he is 28 . It is only beginning of a relationship and our sex life ... just sucks . It lasts about 2 to 5 minutes . Im tired of masturbating. Makes me feel unwanted . Other than sex this is the best relationship I have ever had . He is so loving. Tells me how beautiful I am all the time... but when I try to come on him, he just finds excuses .

December 27, 2014 - 1:28pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

I am in the same boat. I know exactly how you feel :(

January 14, 2015 - 9:17am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Ive been with my bf for five years, and it's the same issue. I feel your pain. We did it once and I got prig, and we haven't had sex since I got prego.

January 5, 2015 - 6:54am
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We value and respect our HERWriters' experiences, but everyone is different. Many of our writers are speaking from personal experience, and what's worked for them may not work for you. Their articles are not a substitute for medical advice, although we hope you can gain knowledge from their insight.

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