I have to admit this new trend is lost on me.
Gone are the days when middle-aged mom was content with a sexless demeanor and stayed home to read Reader's Digest, sipping tea, and reminiscing about the days when she actually mattered. Thank heavens for that!
We all need to be fine with who we are, no matter what the age but this whole banner-waving, card carrying Cougar thing is leaving me a tad cold.
It. Is. Everywhere.
I was reading The British Medical Journal last night over dinner (ok, it was US Weekly) and within a couple of pages I read that a new reality show, modeled after The Bachelor (and created by the same people) called....drum roll...The Cougar. The ad for the show saw a take-no-prisoners 40-something wearing a micro mini skirt and 6 inch heels, with a bunch of young studs behind her. I assume the premise is the same as the Bachelor - the guys will compete to stay on the show and the winner will have a 'meaningful yet sexy relationship' with the Cougar.
A few pages on, there is a clip of Courtney Cox and another actress racing on a street. I have no idea who they are running after but they are holding their sky high heels in their hands and wearing mini-dresses. She will be playing a "hot" 40-something mom who is newly single. The names of this new series? Cougar Town.
What qualifies a woman to be a cougar? Is it her age, or the age of the men she dates? Is a 32 year old woman who dates a 20 year old guy a cougar? Or does a woman have to be over 40? And is wearing animals print part of the cougar uniform?
The "Cougar Woman" is seen as a bit predatory. She stalks and hunts down her prey (that'd be the young lad she eyes up) and snaps him up and devours him. She is all powerful and unafraid to stake her claim.
Or...she's sadly trying to relive her young, single days and is competing with her teenage daughters for who is the "hottest" chick on the block.
Either way, I'm not so into this cougar lark. It's been a couple of years and now that it's going to be all over TV, I guess it has a couple more years left before it fades away...a bit like the Macarena and 'bling'.
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Do you like the Cougar phenomenon? What makes a woman a cougar?
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Add a Comment7 Comments
A sugar daddy... :-)
You know I only think of it that way when he is "significantly" older (20 yrs or more) and certainly when there is an obvious pay scale difference between the two! However, look at Calista Flockhart and Harrison Ford ... she is financially independent. In that case, with the vast difference in ages but pay scale is the same... seems like a female with Daddy Issues... although that may not always be the case.
I honestly don't see how it's possible for two people to be together when one is old enough to have parented the other one... but then again I guess I don't know the dynamics of the situation. I suppose I think it is strange because they are from two completely differnt eras... seems like the gap is too large. But maybe they just get along or have similar interests or passionately follow a similar cause.
Your situation is more than a OLDER man and YOUNGER woman thing. Your mom got robbed... he left her alone (without having passed away) in her grandparenting years. When that companionship is earned and expected to BE there! Now she is forced to find a new partner to have that back or be alone and that is probably, to me... one of the most horrible things I can imagine. Even with the unfaithfulness involved. I hate to say this but Karma is gonna pay him back, she will cheat on him for sure... no doubt and I wouldn't be surprised if she doesn't leave him and clean out his account in court. Mean to think of but that is Karma!
July 20, 2009 - 2:30pmThis Comment
Wow, I can't imagine... I am sorry that happened to your Mom and to you, as well as to anyone else who might have been affected by his choice.
Before I get into it... let me first say, congratulations on your nuptials!! :)
Do I think there is a line of social acceptance? No, I actually do not think there is a line of social acceptance - so long as both individuals are old enough to legally be wed and aren't relatives! With that being said, I am relatively a non-conformist... so I don't tend to follow what is "acceptable", again so long as laws aren't broken and it's of each persons own free will.
Now to follow that up... I am a family oriented person. When I made the decision to begin dating my husband, I had to make sure that my son felt comfortable with him and that they got along. When I decided to marry him, I spoke it over with my son to make sure that he was going to transition into that without any worries or concerns. He of course was fine with it! So I DO believe that when you are in a marriage (certainly one of 42 years) you do have a commitment to your children and obviously the wife who you have spent the bulk of your life with. If they weren't happy and he wanted out... certainly to leave her for a younger woman and even more so, one that is younger than his own child or children... you risk losing the respect of the people in your life who ARE you life. That is not what I believe is the "socially acceptable" policy. More a moral commitment to the people in your life who you are breaking a commitment with and who will then be directly affected.
Can he do that? Sure, that is his right, choice and life to live... but as I mentioned earlier - when you make bold moves like that, it is @ a risk of damaging or possibly permanently altering crucial relationships who SHOULD count for a lot.
That is just an individual judgement call in my opinion! But again, as I stated before... although I wasn't married to my son's father any longer (had been divorced for almost 9 years) I still needed my son's blessing because he is my life!!
I hope that what I have said didn't offend you or come out to brash, I have a tendency to answer questions pretty direct. I am hopeful that it helped you and certainly if you want to discuss more... feel free!
July 19, 2009 - 3:14pmThis Comment
Yeah, I hear you on that. (And no, you don't come across as too brash -- don't worry about that! I appreciate your candidness.) Before, I felt like, as you said, if two people are old enough to be legally wed, etc., then it doesn't matter what their age difference is. But in my dad's case, who had a 4-year secret affair with this much younger woman who was his assistant, by the way, before leaving my mom, the age difference became more of an issue to me. Probably because it has been something for me to focus on since I felt that the choices he made were so awful.
But of course I've totally moved off-topic here.... I think we're supposed to be talking about "cougars." LOL.
So if an older woman with a younger man is a Cougar, what do you call an older man with a younger woman??
July 20, 2009 - 10:08amThis Comment
Great comments everyone!! Thanks for sharing your story, Texasgirl! I also re-married in March to a man who's a few years younger than me, was never married/no kids, which I also found a bonus.
As much as I agree with you all and hate the whole double standard issue as well as the tiresome labels, I do feel that there is a line with this issue of age differences. I've had a hard time coming to terms with my dad's choice to dump my mom after 42 years of marriage to marry a woman who is nearly 10 years younger than me. Having a "step-mom" who is so much younger than me has an "eewww" factor. And when I recently attended my 25th high school reunion, some of the comments people made about my dad were slightly embarrassing, although pretty humorous.
I'm just wondering -- do you all truly feel that age is relative or is there a point where people cross over the line of socially acceptable?
July 19, 2009 - 1:59pmThis Comment
I am repulsed by this whole "Cougar" title!
I believe the tabloid media, that we all love so much, are the culprits of this trend. I started dating a man 10 years younger than I am, just over 3 years ago. I am in my mid-thirties now and he is in his mid-twenties. At first I thought, he is fun and sweet and we have a good time together so... we can date but I can't get serious with him because the age difference would make me look foolish (of course I didn't share those exact thoughts). But after only a month or so of just enjoying time together ~ I realized that he was actually much more mature than most men my age (just because that is his personality) and before I knew it... Ooopss, I fell for him... as he fell for me right away!
We had some typical "new relationship" transitional roads humps to pass over in the first yr and a half or so... but we made it through because it was meant to be. We were married in March of this year.
I do NOT like the double standard that is so easily applied to the scenario between men dating younger women and women dating younger men. It is rather INSULTING to me! I by no means took advantage of him ~ nor do I believe it is standard for that to be the case of any other relationship with an older woman and a younger man. Younger men like older women because they are mature, know what they want, know where they are going, are certain of what they want sexually and are not afraid to tell them without hesitation. My husband has explained to me that older women also do not play childish games, they respect boundaries and have enough pride in who they are as a woman to demand the respect they deserve without a dramatic public scene and/or fit throwing fights. I myself really liked the fact that although I had been married once before and that I had a son from that marriage... he did not have a previous wife or children to factor into the equation (that was a bonus to all of his other wonderful gifts)!
I believe younger men across the world feel like my husband does and I believe that many of the older women possibly are tired of being dumped by their husbands or boyfriends for a younger woman with a better body. So they took charge and owned their "RIGHT" to choose whoever they wanted to form a relationship with ~ to have any and all of their needs met!
Sure ... while the fact that they are always "rearing to go" in love making, time and time again, is surely a wonderful surprise that is only one of the many awesome bonuses they bring to the plate! :) They make us feel respected and honored, admired and appreciated and certainly they make us feel younger to boot!!
So I say, GO LADIES GO, we earned our rights to vote, we earned our rights to equal employment AND pay in the work world, we earned our rights to be treated with respect in the work place ... and... we earned our right to CHOOSE whatever makes us HAPPY!!
July 19, 2009 - 7:49amThis Comment
Susan, this is an absolutely terrific post and I have to agree with you and Anon a hundred and ten percent.
I am 51. I have a dear friend who's in a relationship with a younger man. They met over a common interest, it's hard to tell from looking at them how old either of them is, and they're very compatible. In other words, just a normal man and woman having a relationship, getting to know one another, seeing where things go.
But because of this latest Cougar trend, the subject of their age difference is actually more in the spotlight than it would have been otherwise. They, frankly, don't care about the age difference. But others who find out about it seem to make a judgment about it now in a way that they wouldn't have done before the whole phenomenon started.
Cougars. Trophies. The hunted and the prey. It's all just a little too archaic for me. Too bad we can't just all enjoy ourselves without having to label every little thing.
April 8, 2009 - 8:29amThis Comment
The title was supposed to be for women over 40 who dates younger men, but quite frankly, a "cougar" can be any woman who dates a man who is much younger than she is. The connotation is that a more experienced "worldly woman" is taking advantage of a younger not so seasoned man. Meanwhile forty, fifty and sixty year olds who have been dating much younger women have no title and the women they date and marry are called "trophies", as if they were won in a battle or they're something that's a deserved reward. I get that women are trying to empower themselves by wrapping themselves in the cougar mantle(animal prints and all), but it's still an insult, as an older woman has to "prey" on an "innocent" and "conquer" him sexually in order to prove she is still sexually desirable and relevant. Why not just be a beautiful woman instead of being beautiful "for her age"? I'm a proud 39 year old woman, will be 40 in August, and think I'm as desirable and sexy as I was at 30, and even more then I was at 25. Our culture celebrates youth and forgets that the brain is the most sexual organ in a human, and as one ages, one learns.
April 5, 2009 - 1:17pmThis Comment