In October of 2008, my mom found out that she had cancer. They were not sure exactly what kind. Well they thought it was gal bladder cancer. Then they did more scans and they said it was pancreatic cancer so February of 2009 they did what was called the Whipple surgery. They realized then that was gal bladder and bowl duct cancer that had spread to her pancreas and her spline. She finally came home in may 2009. Then about January 2010 they found it in her lungs and liver. Throughout this time they have switched chemos and tried everything they could. She fought two long years with chemo treatments every week. I graduated May 2010, then just a few weeks after that they find cancer in her spine. In August i went off to college in TN. She went with me to move in and she was doing fine from what they had told me. I went home October 15th 2010 to visit her for fall break and they then tell me that it had spread to her brain and they were waiting for her kidneys to shut down. 5 days before i go down there her digestive system shuts down. I leave again to go back to school like i told my mom i would on oct 17th. On October 20th three days after i leave i wake up to a phone call from my step dad telling me that she was gone. She passed away not even two months before my 19th birthday. And i am sticking my word and continuing on with college because thats what she wanted for her baby. I am my mom's youngest and my sisters are in their 30's. They had much more time with her than i did. I feel alone and that i have no one who understands.
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I want to reach out to you as someone who does understand. I lost my mother to cancer. Though I was not as young as you are, the void that was left in my life could not be filled by any one else. I was 36 years old and the mother of 2 children when I lost my mother. My heart ached at the thought that she would never see her grandchildren grow up, attend their graduations, weddings...all the events my grandparents where there for.in my life I still miss her today...17 years later.
March 4, 2011 - 6:34pmI understand your pain as someone who has been diagnosed with cancer and almost died, I was dying and only because of the intervention of surgeons who were willing to take a great risk and perform surgery , did I live. My three children were deeply affected by the prospect that I almost died. Much like you, my two oldest children were in college and we had to be apart during most of my treatments. At the time, my youngest was only 12 years old. Each of them suffered from depression and the prospect of life without their mother.
In my heart, as a mother and daughter, I believe your mother is still with you...in your heart, in your memories and in your spirit. Keep up with your studies, make her proud and I know you are. Though you had a short time with her compared to your sisters, hold onto to those days as special priceless treasures.
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Hi Sammybear,
My name is Mary and I lost my mom to cancer almost 4 years ago now. She got sick my freshman year of college when I was only 17. My 18th birthday was in December and they still didn't know what was wrong. By February they discovered it was a brain tumor and she began chemo and radiation. I decided after my midterms to come home and help care for her. She passed away as the doctor predicted within 6 months. Her deterioration was horrific to watch and most of it for me almost feels like I have blocked it out from my memory. My mom was my best friend my whole life. I was the youngest and the only girl. Growing up we were extremely close I was home schooled throughout most of high school in fact.
Leaving for school was such a huge deal and pretty difficult for me.. I had no idea what was coming for me next.
I planned to go back to school but continued putting it off and got involved in a serious relationship soon after with a guy that was terrible for me. It was my first serious relationship and filled a big void in my life, but was very much a temporary band aid.
I had a close group of friends and family that all loved me very much, but I had a lot of anger and grief and confusion going on and felt very alone. My Mom had always been the rock of the family and kept everything together. From making sure we had our fafsa in on time to making sure we had our dentist appointment. My dad was never very involved and actually has a lot of emotional and social issues that we've always known about and kind of dealt with. After my mom passed away he really lost it and wasn't able to handle his own life, let alone act as any kind of a parent. Our house was foreclosed upon and i moved in with my boyfriend. My oldest brother went to live with my Grandma and my other brother was a senior in college so he stayed on campus.
The following year I didn't feel like I was ready to go back to school and decided to take a year off. Now four years later.. I really wish I had continued with school. Only a few months ago was I able to finally able to leave the emotionally and physically abusive relationship I got wrapped up into and stuck in for far too long.
It's been a rough time, but I am staying positive. I hope you do stay in school and stay focused on what's important in life. Surround yourself with people who really do care for you. Grief is a really horrible thing to go through and it takes a long time to feel better, but avoiding the pain will only hurt you more in the long run.
I hope you are having a good day, girl.
March 2, 2011 - 11:23pmThis Comment
Thank you so much for sharing your story. You sound like a survivor--a very smart, and strong young woman. I hope you are able to get back into school and chase your dreams for yourself. I'm very glad you were able to see the light that the relationship was not good for you, and you got out of it. I personally know how that is, and how hard it can be to move on from.
March 3, 2011 - 9:27amWhat you say about surrounding yourself with people who really care about you is good advice.
Take care of yourself, and let us know if you need support and resources too.
-Christine
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Hey sammybear,
February 28, 2011 - 9:38amI wanted to share this with you. If you are christian, your church either at school or at home may have Stephen Ministers who are trained in helping those in the congregation work through grief. It may have someone to talk with that is from your church. Here is some reading material I found on it: Stephen Ministry: Grief Resources, you also may be able to find on the website if your church(es) participate in this wonderful program. I'm also fairly certain your school probably has some sort of counseling center or even through the health center where you can find support. I hope being with family and friends is comforting for you. In case you like to read, I also wanted to share one of my favorite authors, C.S. Lewis, wrote a few books on Christianity, and grief. "A Grief Observed" is a good one, also "The Problem with Pain," "Miracles," and others. I read "A Grief Observed" after losing my grandmother whom I was very close with. It was comforting for me. I'm sure there are other books that may help if a support group or counseling isn't your thing.
Good luck, and come back to "talk" any time you want to.
Take care of yourself,
-Christine
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Thank you so much for reading, commenting and talking. It means a lot to me to know that someone cares. Thank you so much you dont know how much you two have helped me..
February 26, 2011 - 3:00pmThis Comment
Hi, Thanks for sharing your story. I'm so very sorry for your loss and can't begin to imagine the grief you are going through. I know it's not the same thing, but I lost my nephew (he was only 13) to cancer almost three years ago this September and it's still hard on me and our family. I'm sorry that you feel alone right now, but know that you're not and have a community that's here to listen. I agree, it's hard for someone to understand what you are going through and feeling unless they have experienced it as well.
Here are some additional articles and a video that talk about dealing with the loss of a loved one and may help you connect with others who are going through the same thing you are. I hope they help.
https://www.empowher.com/community/share/dealing-loss
https://www.empowher.com/mental-health/content/5-things-remember-about-your-grieving-friends?page=0,1
https://www.empowher.com/mental-health/content/emotional-pain-how-do-i-cope-martha-beck
https://www.empowher.com/community/ask/has-anyone-ever-been-sad-very-long-time
Here's a Group as well: https://www.empowher.com/groups/Lose-loved-one-cancer
I'm proud of you for sticking with school even though it's not easy right now and know how much it means to you.
Remember you are not alone - take care and keep us posted on how you are doing.
February 17, 2011 - 3:28pm~Angelica
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Hi Anonymous,
February 17, 2011 - 9:28amThank you for sharing your story. You are very brave to reach out in this way. I'm so terribly sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what you have been going through in the past 5 months. All I can say is, keep moving forward. You are good to keep up with school--it is important for you to have something to focus on, even if it may be difficult for you. Have you made plans for Spring Break yet? I hope you are doing something fun.
Would you look into a support group at school for dealing with grief? Do you know any friends who have lost parents, or someone close to them? You are not alone, no matter how alone you may sometimes feel. Are you religious/spiritual at all? It may also help you to be with caring folks who can help you understand what's happened.
Keep talking. We're here to listen and lend support if needed.
Here is an article that may help you to know you are truly not alone: Coping With the Loss of a Parent
Take care of yourself,
Christine
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We don't have support groups at my school. and no i dont have any friends who have lost a parent.. My mom loved my friends so it was like they lost someone special. Everyone lost my mom and it was heartbreaking. I am going home and spending time with family and friends for spring break. And i am a christian. Thank you for commenting.
February 26, 2011 - 3:03pmThis Comment