me and my partner were together for quite a while when i accidentally got pregnant about six months ago. we used to live together but we didn't really talk about planning a family, though we weren't backing up on it either. i'm 27 and he's 32, and although we haven't openly talked about having a baby, after a while into the relationship we decided to use no protection when having sex. and so it happened, i got pregnant, and i learned i was when i miscarried it. it was a biochemical pregnancy, 3 weeks into it at least, and it has changed me quite a lot, mentally, physically and emotionally.
my ex travels a lot for work by default and that kept him away in those hard times in the first place. and he didn't really know how to handle it at all. both the fact that i got pregnant and the fact that i have miscarried. we were fighting furiously, as we never did before.
only now i understand the circle of guilt and self-hatred he was into. he wanted to be there for me but he wasn't, first because of his work and then because his fears and pain overpowered him. me on the other hand, i really needed him there physically with me, i needed to cry my heart out in his arms and that didn't happen. in the meantime i was blaming myself for every single thing i did in that month: a workout too much, a glass of wine on saturday night (i am a sports "addict" and this is as far as my alcohol consumption goes normally), not sleeping properly for a day or two.
final result? our relationship crumbled down in no time. moreover, we never gave each other a chance to talk the whole situation out throughly and calmly.
and now that it's christmas time, i can't help it and i end up thinking of how would it be if our baby would have lived (it was my first pregnancy and the same goes for him). we would probably be celebrating it together with both of our families as we did last year, just that we'd have a 6 months old bundle of life, joy and love growing inside of me making it the most special christmas ever.
and when i think of that i realize i'm not fully over my lost pregnancy at all, it kinda always kicks in when i think i have elaborated it finally. and i realize how slow the time passes for these things. i just realized how long those nine months really are. sometimes it seems like years have passed since that day i rushed to the hospital to see what's up, then i look at the dates and realize my baby wouldn't have been born yet. and yes, i imagine how she would look like (because i kinda "knew" it was a girl although it's impossible to prove, but i have never felt such a strong instinctive feeling in my life before) and how would it be having her with us.
i know it all sounds crazy and makes no sense at all, infact sometimes i think i might be going off the tracks a bit.
i don't know if anyone of you has been through a similar experience, but if it is so, then i hope this story of mine will make you feel a little less alone and a little more "normal".
thank you.
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Well I've been in the similar situation it still effects me months later I moved away and my ex and I were dating for a year and half well just over that I moved out of the country a day before I could actually get on a plane I had a miscarriage tore me apart although we are still young I didn't expect it and it happened I really blamed myself cried my eyes out alone eventually he got mean there were to many fights about me being away we ended in a horrible manner I miss and love him but I feel it's for the best I still find myself thinking about it every day and it breaks my heart what could I have done differently
December 8, 2016 - 9:47pmThank you for sharing I hope you know you'll not alone there are women who have experienced the same heart ache and live through it
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This is crazy ..this is exactly how i feel 98% of it ..ot helped alot thank you for this story..god bless !
August 7, 2016 - 4:13pmThis Comment
IM 29 YEARS OLD MY GIRLFRIEND AND I JUST FOUND OUT SHE IS PREGNANT, IT WAS ALSO UNEXPECTED BUT AFTER A LITTLE BIT OF NORMAL WORRY WE WERE BOTH EXCITED, Well we were only 9 weeks in and on christmas day she called me and told me she was bleeding quite heavily, she was having a miscariage and as if that wasnt bad enough she dumped me that night. I am not abusive i been a saint compared to her exs, She said she wanted to go back to being friends and then she changed her phone number and and blocked me on face book, after a week we finally saw eachother and she was like a kid on christmas she was so happy to see me but she still wnted to be friends , we did have sex but she said she didnt want to be exclusive
January 12, 2015 - 7:35amThis Comment
Hi Mena,
January 26, 2011 - 8:40amThank you for coming back and talking more. I'm sorry you are still dealing with this. Finding help is as easy as calling your doctor's office and telling them you "had a miscarriage and think you may be having trouble moving forward in the aftermath." They will tell you what they suggest, and may ask some questions to identify how severe they think your case is. If you ever start to feel helpless, and super depressed, don't be afraid to seek out urgent care. Depression is not something to mess around with. It can be very scary. You always may sense the army of skeletons when you bump into your ex, but in time (and with some treatment) the skeletons may not jump as fiercely, and you may be able to be on a more friendly basis with him. I also understand how you can project thinking about your due date and how you "should" have a baby in your arms. It's hard to not envy new moms and their babies. But your time will come. You can get through this.
Good luck, take care, and come back as needed for more support.
-Christine
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Hi Christine,
as first, thank you for your support and for sharing your story with me.
to answer your question, no, me and my ex partner haven't REALLY talked. He's avoiding the subject.. and he doesn't seem to acknowledge my pain and loss completely, ie. when i would start the talk he'd say things like "not again" and "come on it wasn't a real baby after all".. but then his face would show pain, too, so i am sure he feels it too but i don't understand why we won't recognize my pain.
i understand the differences among sexes are so extreme and unrepairable when it comes to this. it seems to me that a woman becomes a mother from the day 1 since the pregnancy starts, and men they become fathers when the baby is born, or at least when it is SO evident it inside of you that they have to actually DEAL with it on daily basics.
i stopped feeling resentment and anger towards him at this point.. but what is killing me is that when i run into him accidentally around the town i feel like an army of skeletons just pops out of the closet, i can't help thinking of what we've been through and as my due term period approaches all i can think about is that if my baby would have lived, i would be holding him in my arms now, and instead of that they are so empty.
and that is how i feel, alone and empty.
and yes i will look for help soon, as time does help and heal things a bit but it is evident i can't get over it alone.
thank you so much for listening.
Mena
January 26, 2011 - 8:30amThis Comment
Hi mena,
December 28, 2010 - 8:21amI'm glad you've come back to talk with us. I'm sorry things haven't been the best for you the past few months. As you know, I can personally attest to how having a miscarriage can mess with your mind. I'm sorry it has come as a detriment to your relationship. Have you officially broken up? Have you and your boyfriend talked yet? I mean, really talked? I think regardless if you decide to continue the relationship, you both may need to deal with what happened in a loving and non-confrontational manner.
I understand that for a guy, it can be really confusing and hard to grasp the concept of an early miscarriage. They see their loved one being tortured, and they feel really caught off guard, not exactly sure what happened, and not knowing what to do or even if they can help at all. Accept that what you are feeling and what he is feeling is valid. Try and meet in the middle. If you can't move forward together, then chalk it up to experience and move on alone as best you can. But if there is love to salvage, try to focus on that, and really move forward together.
Bear in mind, as I've said before, I'm not a counselor or social worker. I'm speaking from experience on this--I've had two miscarriages. The first one nearly ruined my relationship, the second one was just a few months ago, and I think he was better equipped to help me through it knowing how it was before. It also helped me that I had been through counseling when I had Post-Partum Depression after delivering our oldest son. Once you've been through counseling for this, you learn tools to help cope with similar situations in the future. I thought several times about going back on medication for a few months after my most recent miscarriage, but I instead went back to focusing on my "Plan" for dealing with depression: Get enough sleep, ask for help, limit alcohol and caffeine use, eat right, drink enough water daily, and get counseling help or lean on spouse/friends as needed. It helps to tell people what you are going through. Let them think what they will. If they've been through it, they will be right there with you. If they haven't, they have a reason why you are being how you are.
Sorry for throwing another article at you, but here is part 1 of my PPD story to help give perspective why you may still be having trouble so many months later: My PPD Story Pt.I, and PPD Page. What you are experiencing may not exactly be PPD, we cannot diagnose you. But I personally believe based on my experience that the type of mood disorder you may experience following a miscarriage is similar to PPD or PTSD. Talk with your doctor if you're ready to meet with a psychologist to be evaluated and work on getting through this.
And here's in case you are concerned about visiting with a psychologist: Tips for a first meeting with a psychologist
Good luck! You will get through it. If you need more support, we are here.
Take care,
- Christine
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