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Physical and verbal abuse are forms of “visible” abuse. Scars and bruises, raised voices and demeaning and hurtful words are signals to others that something is not quite right in the relationship. It’s also easier for a wife to see and recognize that’s she’s being abused.
Emotional abuse, however, is much more insidious and not quite as visible. Certainly, a wife’s self-esteem and spirit are battered along with her body in the case of physical and verbal abuse, but a husband can kill his wife’s spirit without even raising a hand or voice against her. For this reason, many women don’t even know they’re being abused, or if they do it’s a long and difficult battle not only to work to repair the damage done themselves, but to get the abuser to recognize the harm that he’s done.
What are the signs of mental abuse?
“Emotional abuse is any nonphysical behavior or attitude that controls, intimidates, subjugates, demeans, punishes or isolates another person by using degradation, humiliation or fear” (www.focusonthefamily.com).
“Nonphysical behavior or attitude” can safely be interpreted to mean neglect, invalidating another’s thoughts and feelings, and refusing to acknowledge the needs of the other (whether intentionally or not). Over a period of time, this kind of emotional climate in a marriage can squeeze the life out of a marriage and out of a wife.
There is a difference between experiencing or inflicting emotional hurt and being emotionally abusive—it is important to make this distinction. Abuse is a cycle. It is not a once-in-a-while event that happens and hurts someone else. In many “ordinary” hurtful cases, apologies can be offered if truly sincere and heal the rift that the hurt has caused. Many hurts are unintentional, and if they were, there is (hopefully) remorse on the part of the person who inflicted that hurt, once the anger, frustration, etc., calms down and cooler heads prevail. With emotional abuse there is none of this. Like other forms of abuse, there can be apologies and promises to never do it again, and there is hope in the beginning that behaviors and attitudes will change—often referred to as the “honeymoon phase”—but somewhere in the back of many a wife’s mind, she knows that it’s only a matter of time before the abuser settles back into old routines.
The Profile of an Emotional Abuser
At the heart of an emotionally abusive husband is his need to ultimately be in control. He feels inadequate and harbors distorted beliefs about women and marriage, usually learned from an abusive father or other dominant male influence, or sometime due to lack of decent male role modeling in how to treat women. In many cases, but not all, an emotionally abusive husband can be manipulative and heavy-handed in keeping his wife “under his thumb”. The abusive husband is “self-referenced”, which means he only sees and considers things from his point of view; he deliberately refuses to or is incapable of looking at things from another’s perspective. “Selfish” and “self-referenced” are two different words and can be described this way: the “self-referenced person would give you the shirt off his back, but he doesn’t know you need it. The self-referenced person frequently violates the marriage partnership by acting without thoughtfully considering his partner’s point of view and needs” (Amy Wildman White). The abusive husband is also emotionally dependent on his wife; that is, his feeling of self-worth comes from being married. Most emotionally abusive husbands are unable to look at and examine themselves and why they engage in such spirit-killing behavior against a person they have avowed to love and cherish.
The Profile of an Emotionally Abused Wife
Women who find themselves in an emotionally abusive situation often have low self-esteems even though they may appear confident and in control of everything. An emotionally abused wife “looks to her husband’s acceptance of her as the measure of her worth” (White).
Unlike a man, who typically finds his identity through work, and academic or athletic achievement, “[a] woman’s identity is often based on her relationships” (White) this makes her vulnerable to abusive relationships.
One of the most common characteristics of an emotionally abused woman is that she is unable to enjoy sexual experiences with her husband. This is due to the deterioration of the trust and the lack of friendship and intimacy over the time of the relationship. Add on top of this societies’, her husbands’ and the church’s views that she’s not a good wife if she doesn’t meet her husband’s sexual needs and she may feel perpetually trapped in her marriage. What many people (including counselors and pastors) fail to realize is that “[t]he wife in these situations experiences intercourse as an indignity, almost as rape, because the physical and the deeply personal, loving aspects of sex…[i]ntimacy and trust, which lay the necessary foundation for a woman to respond sexually, have been removed from the relationship” (White) and she is left to emotionally detach herself from the situation just to survive—at the cost of her soul and spirit.
Call to Action
It’s time to lift the veil from these situations and recognize how much a person’s soul and spirit can be damaged without physical and verbal abuse. Abuse doesn’t have to come in the form of acting out a form of punishment, or lashing out with temper and words. Abuse can also be withholding affection, or never saying a kind word. It takes a strong woman to stand up against what everyone is telling her is her duty and recognize that this kind of situation is not okay, and to talk about it until somebody listens.
If you believe you are in an emotionally abusive marriage—which can take many forms to keep a wife dependant on a husband (a virtual prisoner in her own house)—or you’re not even sure if what you’re experiencing is emotional abuse, please join us in the Marital Discovery and Recovery group and share your story.
Sources: www.focusonthefamily.com; “The Silent Killer of Christian Marriages” by Amy Wildman White (http://www.safeplaceministries.com/pdf/The Silent Killer of Christian Marriages.pdf)
Add a Comment380 Comments
..and yet here you are, taking it on and owning your path - I think that takes great courage and is an incredible testament to your spirit. Hang tight, it gets better and the more you stay on the path of 'enough' the more you will find peace and resolve. Hugs.
April 17, 2015 - 7:04amThis Comment
Hello, I've been married for 25 years. People were thinking we had a good marriage. Because we took care of the outside. I followed instinctively my husband in that role. Until I started 5 years ago a social study. Because of this, happily I discovered that our marriage was just nothing. Just holding up appearances. There was never the two way round relationship. What I putted in, never cae back. Only my cooking and cleaning were complimented. So I started to become honest and I told him that I would not work anymore on this lie of us.
March 13, 2015 - 6:40amHis life collapsed while I was telling him this. He did not see the point. He still sees it as my point of view. For he thinks he is a good husband.
But without love a husband is no husband at all.
I quited. Now I feel better without him. Only it is not the way I could imagine it would be. But time will heal.
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Thank you for sharing, Netty.
March 13, 2015 - 9:14amThis Comment
i was emotionally abused for 27yrs he told me what to wear he told me to wear leather and 8inch boots in the supermarket i was groomed from 20yrs old till 48 now he was so critical of everything i did nothing was right every detail he wanted me to put false eyelashes told me how to do my makeup said it was easy to make him happy he became more and more controlling messed with my head manipulating in so many ways then after moving for sixth time said he was leaving me threatened many times if i didnt wear what he wants he will leave me i was so scared i have a chronic pain condition and dependent in everyway on him he tried to give me back to my old and disabled parents telling them i was not his responsibility i also have a daughter he tries to manipulate her she adores him and doesnt know everything i wouldnt want her to so i keep it to myself he has left me and is dating young women he is 52 he said the younger the better he tries to get them to wear things too he still wants to be friends that i can be one of his girlfriends he says so many things that disturb me greatly i have to keep him away from me he is a narcossist i am left in turmoil and dont know how to move on he is oblivious to my feelings tells me to be quiet and not to talk i am filled with anger and disgust but 27yrs is so long and i miss my life the good times but he is a cheat and a liar and control freak what happened i feel stunned
March 10, 2015 - 6:01pmThis Comment
You can't continue to keep this to yourself. You don't necessarily have to bash your husband to your daughter. Point out how his actions are not right, but she's not going to learn what's normal if you don't do something and show her the other side; even then she might not be receptive so it has to be done gently -- otherwise she's going to end up in the same kind of relationship never knowing what freedom and respect is. I know your options are limited because of your pain condition, but the Internet is your friend and help you find an agency or someone to get involved.
March 13, 2015 - 9:18amThis Comment
Everything I do is wrong. He always puts me down, never says anything nice to me in fact he's quick to criticise me. Now our 10 yr old son is starting to do the same towards me. I'm on antidepressants which he hates and criticises me for being on. I have sleep apnea and get tired which he hates and calls me lazy. I cook his dinners, wash clothes tidy house etc but it's never good enough. There's no affection between us ever. In fact I honestly do not know why I put up with it. Time for a change in my life I think. Wish me luck.
March 8, 2015 - 3:04amThis Comment
Yep, definitely time for a change. Keep us posted!
March 13, 2015 - 9:20amThis Comment
i have been asking myself ever since i had kids, what is my limit and whether something is abnormal in my marriage. my husband thinks i have been cooking everything in my head and everything is in my mind. he tells me to shut down if he isnt in a good mood and i am told to not anger him. so i walk on eggshells at home. whenever i try to tell him about it he says that i am hurting him and that i also do this and that, never acknowleading my feelings or what the problems. he thinks it is always other people pressing his buttons..and that he could have done a better job as a father except for me, as I am of no help. i feel totally put down and my self esteem has suffered a lot. he likes to tell me that i am very lucky for having him , as he feels he is very intelligent etc. he tends to put me down but not as bad as his father as he puts my mil down all the time and ties up her finances extremely. he still writes me nicer cards once in a blue moon.
March 2, 2015 - 7:56amto be honest i have lost some trust and faith in this man who promised to love me, and i am very sad and broken to feel this way about a man whom i vowed to be with for my whole life. i am a stay at home mom not sure if working will do us good. have two small children. we went for counselling and talks before but he wasnt interested to follow up with the homework.
have been trying to keep the family together. he blows up at the kids too. and i have been stopping him until recently told by my inlaws to let him be.
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This is NOT what love is and not what the marital covenant is supposed to be. And, no, you need to continue to stop him from blowing up at the kids. You can't let this be. They do not need to exposed to this. He's obviously carried on this lesson from his father and it's wrong. You don't want your children learning that what he's doing is normal and right.
March 13, 2015 - 9:23amThis Comment
Hi everyone, I am posting this comment hoping that it can help someone who has experienced emotional abuse. I was married for 8 years and the emotional abuse was really killing me on the inside. I used to be called a bitch when he was my first and only, other words were 'idot,stupid,worth nothing'. I was isolated from my family and did not see them often. I felt very controlled, unappreciated and unloved. Humilating me in public was quite often. He was always right. He physically abused me too but the emotional abuse hurt me more. I finally came to the realisation last year that i really do not deserve this and have given him too many chances already. I finally decided to leave and start my life over with my 6 year old son. It was not an easy path especially during the divorce but with the support of my family, I have found myself and am happy to live in peace. My son is doing good too. His teacher told me hes still the same in school and apparently other kids in his class also have divorced parents. Its sad that divorce is so common but i feel as if i saved myself.I feel really mad at myself for not doing this sooner. I really hope the best for all you going through this. Just know that God loves you and no one deserves to be hurt like this.
February 28, 2015 - 4:21pmThis Comment