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Physical and verbal abuse are forms of “visible” abuse. Scars and bruises, raised voices and demeaning and hurtful words are signals to others that something is not quite right in the relationship. It’s also easier for a wife to see and recognize that’s she’s being abused.
Emotional abuse, however, is much more insidious and not quite as visible. Certainly, a wife’s self-esteem and spirit are battered along with her body in the case of physical and verbal abuse, but a husband can kill his wife’s spirit without even raising a hand or voice against her. For this reason, many women don’t even know they’re being abused, or if they do it’s a long and difficult battle not only to work to repair the damage done themselves, but to get the abuser to recognize the harm that he’s done.
What are the signs of mental abuse?
“Emotional abuse is any nonphysical behavior or attitude that controls, intimidates, subjugates, demeans, punishes or isolates another person by using degradation, humiliation or fear” (www.focusonthefamily.com).
“Nonphysical behavior or attitude” can safely be interpreted to mean neglect, invalidating another’s thoughts and feelings, and refusing to acknowledge the needs of the other (whether intentionally or not). Over a period of time, this kind of emotional climate in a marriage can squeeze the life out of a marriage and out of a wife.
There is a difference between experiencing or inflicting emotional hurt and being emotionally abusive—it is important to make this distinction. Abuse is a cycle. It is not a once-in-a-while event that happens and hurts someone else. In many “ordinary” hurtful cases, apologies can be offered if truly sincere and heal the rift that the hurt has caused. Many hurts are unintentional, and if they were, there is (hopefully) remorse on the part of the person who inflicted that hurt, once the anger, frustration, etc., calms down and cooler heads prevail. With emotional abuse there is none of this. Like other forms of abuse, there can be apologies and promises to never do it again, and there is hope in the beginning that behaviors and attitudes will change—often referred to as the “honeymoon phase”—but somewhere in the back of many a wife’s mind, she knows that it’s only a matter of time before the abuser settles back into old routines.
The Profile of an Emotional Abuser
At the heart of an emotionally abusive husband is his need to ultimately be in control. He feels inadequate and harbors distorted beliefs about women and marriage, usually learned from an abusive father or other dominant male influence, or sometime due to lack of decent male role modeling in how to treat women. In many cases, but not all, an emotionally abusive husband can be manipulative and heavy-handed in keeping his wife “under his thumb”. The abusive husband is “self-referenced”, which means he only sees and considers things from his point of view; he deliberately refuses to or is incapable of looking at things from another’s perspective. “Selfish” and “self-referenced” are two different words and can be described this way: the “self-referenced person would give you the shirt off his back, but he doesn’t know you need it. The self-referenced person frequently violates the marriage partnership by acting without thoughtfully considering his partner’s point of view and needs” (Amy Wildman White). The abusive husband is also emotionally dependent on his wife; that is, his feeling of self-worth comes from being married. Most emotionally abusive husbands are unable to look at and examine themselves and why they engage in such spirit-killing behavior against a person they have avowed to love and cherish.
The Profile of an Emotionally Abused Wife
Women who find themselves in an emotionally abusive situation often have low self-esteems even though they may appear confident and in control of everything. An emotionally abused wife “looks to her husband’s acceptance of her as the measure of her worth” (White).
Unlike a man, who typically finds his identity through work, and academic or athletic achievement, “[a] woman’s identity is often based on her relationships” (White) this makes her vulnerable to abusive relationships.
One of the most common characteristics of an emotionally abused woman is that she is unable to enjoy sexual experiences with her husband. This is due to the deterioration of the trust and the lack of friendship and intimacy over the time of the relationship. Add on top of this societies’, her husbands’ and the church’s views that she’s not a good wife if she doesn’t meet her husband’s sexual needs and she may feel perpetually trapped in her marriage. What many people (including counselors and pastors) fail to realize is that “[t]he wife in these situations experiences intercourse as an indignity, almost as rape, because the physical and the deeply personal, loving aspects of sex…[i]ntimacy and trust, which lay the necessary foundation for a woman to respond sexually, have been removed from the relationship” (White) and she is left to emotionally detach herself from the situation just to survive—at the cost of her soul and spirit.
Call to Action
It’s time to lift the veil from these situations and recognize how much a person’s soul and spirit can be damaged without physical and verbal abuse. Abuse doesn’t have to come in the form of acting out a form of punishment, or lashing out with temper and words. Abuse can also be withholding affection, or never saying a kind word. It takes a strong woman to stand up against what everyone is telling her is her duty and recognize that this kind of situation is not okay, and to talk about it until somebody listens.
If you believe you are in an emotionally abusive marriage—which can take many forms to keep a wife dependant on a husband (a virtual prisoner in her own house)—or you’re not even sure if what you’re experiencing is emotional abuse, please join us in the Marital Discovery and Recovery group and share your story.
Sources: www.focusonthefamily.com; “The Silent Killer of Christian Marriages” by Amy Wildman White (http://www.safeplaceministries.com/pdf/The Silent Killer of Christian Marriages.pdf)
Add a Comment380 Comments
It's still relatively early in your life. You need to get out and start afresh. I'm not as familiar with Australian resources, but I'm sure there are agencies who will help.
He's already done so much damage to your spirit in such a short time. You can stop him from doing the same thing to your child.
March 13, 2015 - 10:24amThis Comment
Your being used as a slave.
February 19, 2015 - 8:16amLeave.
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I'm 29 years old and have been married for 5 years! When things are fine,my husband is the sweetest person one can wish for, yet when we have an argument he turns into a cruel,cold hearted and inhuman person that I can not believe exists on this planet!
February 3, 2015 - 12:22amOver the years I noticed he has a strange relation towards arguments in a sense that he doesn't argue constructively and he sees us as enemies during a conflict. Most of the time arguments arise from deeper conversations when I speak my mind or show criticism towards some of his behaviour. Unable to accept any of that and reacting defensively while trying to offend me in any possible way even if topic-unrelated, I am on the bottom of my existence! Constant invalidation, disrespect and the fact that my pain was never acknowledged has left me feel worthless, lonely, depressed and on the verge of going insane.
I have given up my family, career friends to move 20 000 km across the world to be with him. Now I'm isolated lonely and deprived of affection and respect.
I have cried for days now due an argument we had! I was depressed and he initiated the conversation, as I opened up he basically ignored me and immediately started to tell me it's not the way I see things and started insulting me by telling me how ungrateful I am as he had given me shopping money even though I deserve zero because I don't work. This had absolutely nothing to do with the issue as the topic was that I feel invalidated and not taken seriously!
He ignored me in further attempts of conversations and I cry all day he just ignores me or goes somewhere! He always insists that he loves me and that he wants to know what I feel but when I open up he becomes defensive and I just can't deal with it anymore! I'm at my lowest and am considering to pack my stuff and fly home!
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Don't just consider it. Do it.
March 13, 2015 - 10:29amThis Comment
I can first tell you I've been were you are now and that the only thing that will help is your faith and beleif. You need to evaluate the relationship and seek help were you are if you can. Visit home and clear your heaf, be surrounded by those that live you and who can speak life and peace back into you. You need strength.
February 3, 2015 - 9:09pmHe can only change if he wants to, no matter how long you stay or what you try to do. Fix you first...I know you love him, that's what you should do, but he has a problem that only he can address and deal with.
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hi I am 19 years old. I grew up in an abusive homemy parents was fight 99 percent of the time it was physical my mom would cheat on my dad and drag me around to all these new mens house housesshe had no remorse she had No respectI never wanted to end up like my parents I got pregnant at an early age 16 to be exact my son is 2 nowthe first three months of my pregnancy they were great until the father of my son decided to start partying and doing things that I didn't agree of he was 18I broke it off in hopes that he would come back to me fighting just as hard as I have always F oU9ht for himI never knew that he was seeing other girls throughout my pregnancy I tried so hard for him to just love me and take me backthe last month of my pregnancyI found out that he was in a relationship with another female when I confronted him about her he lied and said they were just friends I had great trust in himI gave birth to my son on october first I remember it clears daymy mother and my sister were with me at the hospital we were waiting to see how much I was dilatedI contacted the baby's father to let him know that I thought that
January 29, 2015 - 2:06pmThis Comment
My husband and I have been married for 40 years this year, and together for 41. I know I am emotionally abused, but I can cope. My husband's parents were great people. His father died in 1998 and his mother is still alive and we see her regularly. My husband abuses me all the time, he shouts for no reason at all. We have conversations at cross purposes and, because I have not realised what he meant, he screams at me. He likes to thump his fists down on the table. When he does this, I just leave the room and just stay away from him. What is hard is the fact that I take a long time to come to the boil, and very rarely lose my temple (possibly only twice in 40 years) however he screams and shouts at me and ten minutes later has forgotten what he has just done and acts like nothing happened. He tells me that he tells other people that we never argue. He is right in that he shouts and I keep quiet. I remember when my kids were younger they used to look to me to check what the weather was like at home. I would give them that "walk on eggshells" look or speak normally so they would know it was all okay. My youngest, my daughter, is very much like her father in that when he shouts, she shouts back and I envy her ability to do so. I have no idea why he is like he is, he is just such an angry person and can go off in a flash, for no reason at all. I have to say, it is nice to vent. I don't think I will ever leave as I cannot imagine being anywhere else, and I have neither the energy nor the inclination to start all over again at 60 years of age. I am too tired. I just hope that eventually I will have peace and quiet. Not too much to ask is it?
January 19, 2015 - 1:22pmThis Comment
Just realised I was reading the comments backwards! However, what I said stands.
January 19, 2015 - 1:08pmThis Comment
Last comments on this were in 2011 so I think I will keep my own counsel, but thanks very much for the article. Whilst it has helped me see what is going on, I have no idea how to change things and am just working on the basis that I will live longer, hopefully, and have peace in the end!
January 19, 2015 - 1:07pmThis Comment
I have been in a relationship with my husband for 11 years, married for 5. I will start by saying that he is a very sweet person. Very loving and affectionate. He loves to cuddle with me, and tells me he loves me and that I am beautiful all the time. He gives me hugs all the time, which I love, or I did love up until about a year ago. Now, his periods of warmth and affection have a negative emotional effect on me. Our relationship's downward spiral began about 3 years ago. I had started to realize that while he had dreams about building his own business, and I shared his dreams, he was not making any real effort to pursue those dreams. Instead, he has bound himself to the same job he had when he was 15. He loves his job, but hates not having "control" in the company. He is an instructor, and has been for a long time, so he is accustomed to being in control, and thrives on it. Any new situation where he is not in control, he gets irritable. He does not really try to control ME, but he does believe that his way is best, in just about everything. He seems convinced that if he were president, he would be able to solve all our country's problems---as an example. Anyhow, over the years, as he has gotten more frustrated with his job, he has become increasingly short-tempered. His issues with his job are not the only things. I have spent years observing his behavior and have ultimately figured it out. He was given everything on a silver platter as a child, and his parents still support us financially, so he has no real reason to change his circumstances. He has a house that he doesn't have to pay full price for, a wife who enables him, and a job that doesn't pay much, but keeps him as an authority figure. He has no reason to change. I have begged him to move forward in his life, and make it his own. To seize the day, and live his dream. I have told him that I would quit my own job and work beside him if it meant he would start his own company. He has promised to change, to get another job, to open his own company, for YEARS. But it has never happened. When I would confront him about it, he would blame me for never keeping the house clean, and how he doesn't feel any motivation when the house is a mess. At first I took that argument to heart, but now I realize that I am busting my hump every day to contribute to our relationship financially, and he spends most of his time on video games---another fake means of maintaining control. I know now that his accusations of me being the one to hold him back are way WAY off. He gives weak excuses, but I don't argue with him anymore. I have shut myself off emotionally, because I am tired of confronting him, only to get cut off, or endure a lousy or painful excuse. I am stripped of any desire to make efforts to help him, because I know he will not change. He will not change until it is absolutely critical for survival. And even then, I don't know if it would be enough. He would rather go hungry than make himself a PBJ. I read this article appreciating the insight that abuse does not need to be visible, or obvious, to be present. I am feeling the abuse from my current emotional and mental state. I feel that if I continue to hope for progress in our life together, I will be let down AGAIN and again. I am dreading the day when I have to leave him, and yet I can't wait for it, because I am dying inside. When he looks at me with those lovey dovey eyes, and opens his arms to me, I have to put on a fake happy face, and accept it. What am I going to do, get mad at him because he wants to hug me? Its like dealing with a schizophrenic--- wanting to enjoy one personality, but knowing that another less pleasant one will be on its way soon. I know that the beautiful human being is still there, but he is throwing his life away, and I can't stand it. I am basically just biding my time until I have the means to leave. It is extremely emotionally exhausting. I have had occasional panic attacks (or a combination of shortness of breath and elevated heart rate), and once in a while I feel the need to cry, but usually don't let it out. I think about divorce all the time, often when I am right next to him. He has no idea, or at least he does not let on. He KNOWS how I feel because I have told him for years. But like I said, I have stopped bugging him, because I have accepted that nothing I have done has made any difference. He will only change when it is absolutely necessary. And after having made one weak attempt to leave him, I know now that even I am not enough. I will leave, but I need to get my finances together. I had wanted to have kids with him, and live happily ever after, but I needed him to grow up first. I did not want to go from taking care of him, to taking care of him and our kids. I didn't want to bring innocent kids into the picture when I had no guarantee that he would change. And at this point, I am very glad that I stuck with that decision. I am here today because I think I am dealing with emotional abuse, but not to the extreme that others have. I am not quite sure if his treatment of me actually falls into the emotional abuse category, but I tell you, I sure feel emotionally and mentally beaten into the ground. It comes from years of dedication to someone who is self-aware (I think that was the term?) and not ready to move on. I didn't know in the beginning how stuck in place he would be. I saw him as a strong dominant man who would take care of me, but I was wrong. He was not ready for a wife, I don't think. He needed time to grow up, and never really got that stage, no thanks to his parents. They enabled the heck out of him, and I just took over. As a friend told me, not too long ago, he needs to hit rock bottom before he will change. I don't know what will happen when I make the move to leave him, but I hope he chooses to change instead of wallowing in self-pity. Even if he had some sort of revelation and changed completely tomorrow, I would have difficulty absorbing that change, and would not be able to re-build respect for him as easily as he would prefer. I have lost respect for him, and have lost hope for our marriage. It is a very difficult process day in and day out, knowing I am leaving, and wondering how I am going to get through it. I look at him, and he is so sweet and loving, and has no idea that he signed his own death warrant. Am I being emotionally abused? I have to believe after enduring YEARS of broken promises from her husband to change his life, a wife is going to become worn down and emotionally broken. That is how I feel--- like I have been forced to emotionally shut down, so I don't get let down again, and endure that pain again. He is a good man, but apparently he is not the man for me, because I feel so terrible every day, for over a year now. Anyone deal with this? Anyone have advice or input? Thanks.
January 18, 2015 - 12:44amThis Comment