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It’s almost Christmas and no one wants to think about the possibility of losing a loved one, but tragic incidents occur even during the most wonderful time of the year. If a loved one of yours does pass away during the holiday season, it can be helpful to know about the grieving process, especially what is normal and abnormal.
We are individuals, but there is a point where some people might want to turn to a professional for extra help during a difficult grieving time. Experts share their insight into the grieving process for your benefit.
Tracy Greene Mintz, a licensed clinical social worker, said in an email that here are some signs of normal grieving:
1) “Crying”
2) “Changes in appetite”
3) “Talking to the deceased”
4) “Changes in sleep”
5) “Questioning one’s life, choices, etc.”
6) “Using your normal coping strategies, such as smoking, having a drink, comfort eating”
7) “Anger”
8) “Focusing on your own health”
Greene Mintz said some behaviors can be caused by grief, but still are not healthy and the person engaging in them could need professional help. Here are some signs of abnormal grieving:
1) “Drinking to excess, or abusing pills to sleep.”
2) “Grief that inhibits daily functioning after a day or two, such as not being able to get out of bed, eat, bathe, etc.”
3) “Extreme and abrupt changes in lifestyle, such as moving or getting married/divorced, quitting your job. (Distinguish here between thinking about doing those things, which is normal, and impulsively acting).”
4) “Suicidal ideation if they think they can't live without the deceased, or [want] to join them. Suicidal ideation is a fairly common extreme reaction and requires immediate intervention.”
Rev. Gabrielle Michel, a grief recovery specialist and founder and president of Graceful Grieving, Inc., said in an email that current culture doesn’t promote a healthy grieving process.
“Grief cannot be effectively processed in a ‘drive-thru, microwave, three-day bereavement leave’ manner,” Michel said.
There can be a long-term recovery process while grieving, and that’s fine.
“Grief requires taking action toward your recovery,” Michel said. “As long as you are taking action toward your healing and are progressing in your recovery, one to five years is well within the healthy grieving range.”
However, other people can send conflicting messages.
“I am sure people will be telling you to move-on, within a few months, but that is because they are uncomfortable with your sadness and don’t know what to do,” Michel said. “Just know that what you are feeling is normal. Often we are congratulated for being stoic, but I assure you, stoicism in the face of loss is not healthy. Grieving is not to be feared and is not a sign of weakness. In fact, it takes a great deal of courage to face our grief and when we do the work, we are liberated and emboldened.”
However, there are signs that indicate that you should see a professional:
1) “You feel the same way you did the day you lost your loved one after eight months.”
2) “You are not participating in your life.”
3) “You are avoiding your feelings by watching too much TV or doing other addictive type behaviors.”
4) “If after a year, you don’t feel like you are progressing, seek help from a grief specialist.”
Russell Friedman, the executive director of the Grief Recovery Institute Educational Foundation and author of The Grief Recovery Handbook, said in an email that grief is a normal reaction to losing a loved one, but it can extend for longer time periods and become an issue.
Here are some common signs of grief:
1) “Numbness – especially in the first few days or weeks”
2) “Inability to focus or concentrate – this can last for extended periods of time, especially if no actions are taken by the griever to deal with the unfinished emotional business that accrues in all relationships”
3) “Roller coaster of emotions”
Jennifer Fee, a licensed psychologist, said in an email that there are five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. People who are grieving have to be allowed to go through all of these stages freely. However, there are some abnormal signs of grieving to watch for:
1) “Over time, social functioning should return. This does not mean that people are still not sad or miss their loved one (holidays and anniversaries can be difficult times), but if their grief interferes with their ability to interact and have other meaningful relationships, then help should be sought.”
2) “Everyone is upset at the passing of a loved one, thinks about regrets, and may have some unpleasant images/memories at the end. However, some deaths are actually traumatizing and can leave people with PTSD-like symptoms such as nightmares, flashbacks, and intrusive thoughts. If distressing images or dreams to do not cease, then help should be sought.”
Melanie Greenberg, a clinical and health psychologist, said in an email that pathological grief is uncommon, but some signs that weren’t mentioned previously include:
1) “Denial or failure to accept the fact that the loss has happened.”
2) “Excessive guilt and self-blame may be signs of an ambivalent love/hate relationship to the deceased.”
3) “High hostility and blame directed at people associated with the death, family members, or the self.”
Sources:
Greenberg, Melanie. Email interview. Dec. 14, 2011
Fee, Jennifer. Email interview. Dec. 14, 2011
Friedman, Russell. Email interview. Dec. 14, 2011
Greene Mintz, Tracy. Email interview. Dec. 14, 2011
Michel, Gabrielle. Email interview. Dec. 14, 2011
Reviewed December 15, 2011
by Michele Blacksberg RN
Edited by Jody Smith
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