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Rejection: What it is, How to Leave it Behind and Move on With Your Life

By HERWriter
 
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Mental Health related image Photo: Getty Images

Rejection is an unfortunate part of life we must handle, but life must go on so it is important to move on from rejection. However, some types of rejection can be more devastating than others and can keep us stuck in an unhappy place for quite some time until help arrives.

Experts have some advice for how to move on from rejection in your life if you are still stuck.

Karol Ward, a licensed clinical social worker, psychotherapist, motivational speaker, host of the Body-Mind Wellness Show, and the author of “Worried Sick: Break Free From Chronic Worry to Achieve Mental and Physical Health,” has her own definition of rejection.

“I define rejection as basically a big ‘No,’” Ward said in an email. “When you, your idea, your qualifications, expertise or offer is rejected, the other party is saying no to you. The reason for that no is varied. You might not be the right fit, not the right idea at this time, not the right match for a relationship or sometimes the other person is too cautious or blocked to accept you or your concept.”

However, rejection can be useful in some ways.

“Rejection never feels good, but it can be the great teacher about how we handle life's difficulties and how we grow as people,” Ward said. “Recovering from rejection and depersonalizing it over time builds resiliency. Rejection and the form it takes place in teaches us many things about the people, places and ideas that are healthy or not so healthy for us to be involved with.”

She has some suggestions for how you can get over your experiences with rejection.

“Time and the ability to process the feelings of hurt and insecurity that get stirred up by rejection [are ways to move on from rejection],” Ward said. “When we first are rejected, our perspective on why it occurred is skewed. We tend to react personally. With time, our perspective often changes [and] we gain a little distance, which allows us to see more of the factors involved in the rejection.”

The type of rejection you experience doesn’t necessarily change the way you advance from the situation.

“I think the solution [is] basically the same, [but] the length of time is what changes,” Ward said. “The solution is generally allowing for feelings, processing the feelings, understanding the feelings, and letting go of the negative feelings associated with rejection.”

It’s important to progress past rejection because getting stuck in negativity can affect mental health.

“Rejection does affect mental health, and it all depends on the person's sense of self and ego strength,” Ward said. “A person with a strong sense of self recovers faster because they understand that while it hurts to be rejected, it is not due to a flaw in their character. Those who have poor ego strength tend to believe that the rejection reflects some character defect and that it is confirms an internal negative view of self.”

Zora Kolkey, a marriage and family therapist, has a similar definition to Ward for rejection.

“I define rejection as not being what or who someone else wants/needs,” Kolkey said. “This does not mean that there is something wrong with me. The other person may be looking for a 6 foot tall, blond Amazon, and no matter what I do, I will never be that person. The most important thing to remember is to not take on the other person’s ‘stuff.’ What’s yours is yours, and what’s theirs is theirs. It often takes therapeutic work in order to get to that stage and accept it, and it can be done.”

Marlene Caroselli, a corporate trainer and author of “The Critical Thinking Tool Kit,” said in an email that sometimes understanding can be found in words, which is the case with rejection.

“Our Latin roots offer so much guidance about life in general,” Caroselli said. “To illustrate, ‘reject’ literally means ‘throw back.’ So, when we've been rejected, we've been thrown off course, or thrown back when all we want is to move forward.”

The solution to moving forward from rejection can be found in a different Latin word, which is ‘project,’ she said.

“As a verb, it means to ‘throw forward or toward,’” Caroselli said. “And the best way to recover from rejection, I believe, is to move towards our goal. To throw ourselves into our work, to get right back up, dust ourselves off, and continue to progress.”

Look even farther into the word ‘project’ and you can find more solutions.

“As a noun, ‘project’ is a carefully planned undertaking that has a specific aim or goal,” Caroselli said. “Again, to overcome rejection, all we have to do is become involved in a new project or re-double our efforts on an earlier one. Read the biographies of those who have succeeded. You're bound to find that they failed many times along the way to success. But, instead of remaining ‘back,’ they moved themselves forward until their hopes were ultimately realized.”

What are some ways that you have moved on from experiences with rejection?

Sources:

Ward, Karol. Email interview. Jan. 7, 2012.
Kolkely, Zora. Email interview. Jan. 7, 2012.
Caroselli, Marlene. Email interview. Jan. 7, 2012.

Reviewed February 8, 2012
by Michele Blacksberg RN
Edited by Jody Smith

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Rheyanne Weaver
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We value and respect our HERWriters' experiences, but everyone is different. Many of our writers are speaking from personal experience, and what's worked for them may not work for you. Their articles are not a substitute for medical advice, although we hope you can gain knowledge from their insight.