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Being involved in a successful romantic relationship can be difficult for most people. Consider all the breakup self-help books available, the movies portraying cheating significant others, constant fighting and dramatic breakups, and your own relationship history.
Do you think these difficulties increase or decrease for someone with a mental disorder? Let’s just say that it’s not easy to have a relationship while trying to function “normally” in the world.
For people who have Asperger’s disorder or autistic disorder, social interaction is complicated. Although people with Asperger’s are thought to have high-functioning autism, they still have social problems. For example, people with Asperger’s don’t contribute as much socially and emotionally, and they don’t know how to use nonverbal behaviors as well, like eye contact, according to an abnormal psychology textbook.
Interaction and emotional reciprocity are important in relationships, so it’s no wonder that it would be a challenge for someone with Asperger’s or autism to be in a relationship. Although this doesn’t happen for everyone, it’s a stereotype that someone with these disorders will not share his or her emotions as frequently. For example, they might not say “I love you” or show affection as often, because they don’t understand and express emotions as well as the typical person.
If you decide to be in a relationship with someone who has Asperger’s or autism, it seems there are some things you have to consider to help the relationship work. Keep in mind, this may not apply to everyone who has Asperger’s or autism. There is the proposed autism spectrum disorder, which places autism and Asperger’s together. Basic symptoms will be the same, but specifics may differ.
This is what I have observed after being in a short relationship with someone who thought he had Asperger’s and through reading different articles:
1) Don’t assume the other person is uninterested, just because he isn’t telling you he likes you or finds you attractive. Decide what you think of him and let him know. After he is aware of your attraction and isn’t confused about nonverbal gestures and flirtation, it might be easier for him to decide if he feels the same way.
2) Don’t be alarmed if your significant other is confused by romantic gestures, like hugging or kissing. Stop if needed, but also try explaining what the gestures mean, or suggest going to a psychologist together so you can work on your partner’s relationship skills.
3) Tell your partner how you are feeling, especially if you are angry, and why. Your partner may not understand your emotions and why you are reacting a certain way.
4) Learn what his interests are, and try to engage in activities focusing on those interests. Go on a few dates where social interaction isn’t necessarily the focus.
5) Ease him into large social situations, like parties or group outings. Understand if he is overwhelmed or decides not to go with you – he might prefer being alone or with less people.
6) Understand that some people with Asperger’s can be brutally honest, according to the book “Asperger Syndrome and Long-Term Relationships.” The book explains that when talking about reasons for marriage, a person with Asperger’s might say that there is an availability of sex as the main reason, while not including his love of his significant other. Romance can be puzzling to someone with Asperger’s, but again, you will probably see improvement after explaining the meaning behind it, why it’s necessary and that it makes you feel good.
7) If your partner talks in a confusing manner, like in riddles or using complex vocabulary, or doesn’t answer your questions directly, ask him for more clarification. Also, remember not to use riddles, jokes or sarcasm in the same way you would with someone who doesn’t have Asperger’s or autism. If you do, ask if they understood and then explain what you meant. Otherwise, they might be hurt by what you said or just be confused.
8) If your partner has certain quirks, like not wanting to talk on the phone, understand that it may be related to Asperger's. Confront them about the issue if it bothers you, and explain why.
Sources:
http://www.opposingviews.com/i/the-romantic-lives-of-young-adults-with-asperger-s-syndrome
http://www.specialfamilies.com/dating_marriage_&_autism.htm
http://www.amazon.com/Asperger-Syndrome-Long-Term-Relationships-Stanford/dp/1843107341/ref=cm_lmf_tit_3
Abnormal Psychology: An Integrative Approach by David Barlow and V. Mark Durand
http://www.dsm5.org/ProposedRevisions/Pages/proposedrevision.aspx?rid=94
Add a Comment186 Comments
First experience with this at 50. In Jan. 2013 I started communicating with a 54-yr-old guy on a dating site. He moved along to phone calls and then asked me to dinner. He had a lot going for him in terms of job/home/financial stability and we had an uncanny amount in common, both in background and interests. When our eyes met in the parking lot, I was incredibly physically atracted to him as well. His grooming was great and so was his style. Turned out his divorce from a 30 year marriage was just final a month before.
However, he was such a chatterbox when we sat down that I couldn't read the menu. I took it as nervous attraction so thought that was a good sign of mutual attraction, something that has rarely, if ever, happened in my life. At the end of the evening he laid a smooch kiss on me in the foyer of the restaurant in front of all the waiting patrons! But I was excited by it and happy to see his attraction for me. He smooched me again in gthe parking lot.
Well, he didn't initiate any further contact with me after that but, if
I initiated contact he would respond almost all of the time. So that kept me going. I asked him out for a 2nd date and he went (and kissed me good-bye with an "I'll be talkin' to ya") but continued not to initiate any contact after that.
A month later I texted him with a suggestion for a 3rd date and added that "maybe I've scared you off with my shameless flirting." He called me and said he really liked my idea but described several things on his plate. He added, "I'm just giving you all this detail because I want you to understand that I really want to do this but it just won't be this week. Then he added, "And you didn't scare me off with your aggressiveness. I like aggressive women...in bed...and you can take that any way you want to." I was caught so off guard and just said, "oookay." I figured I'd leave it up to him to get back with me and he never did.
Another month later I called him and he really vented about his family, mostly his heroin addicted grown son. At the end of the call I told him, if he couldn't work me in in person (something I assumed because of the issue with the son), I'd really love it if he would call me and catch up now and then. He sounded very sincere and said he would, even reiterated that he would just before we hung up.
Well story short, he never did and ended up being exclusive with someone else for 5 months. I then heard it ended so I contacted him and we met for drinks in December. This was our 3rd date, 9 months after our 2nd date. He was a chatterbox again and ran at the mouth, talking "at me" for 3 hrs. This time right in the restaurant bar he patted my butt! Then when we kissed good-night in the parking lot (more smooches, I suspected he's not into tongue), he grabbed my left butt cheek and said, "What do you think of that?" I said, "nice hand," smiled and walked to my car as he shouted exuberantly, "I'll be talkin' to ya real soon!" I hoped he would follow through but he didn't.
It just never made sense. Narcissistic? Attachment disorder? They didn't quite seem like a fit but something was going on. Then I stumbled on an article about Asperger's and thought he had a lot of the features (though has great eye contact and seems to like physical contact). Odd but it made me feel a lot better A) knowing there's a label for him, B) knowing I don't need to take the lack of reciprocity personally and C) (hate to admit) he's such a catch in so many ways - the best of my lifetime anyway - that I was glad to feel he would probably fail with anyone else and that I'd have more of a chance if I stay patient.
I last interacted with him via text in February and soon after that I was diagnosed with breast cancer and am in chemo and lost my hair. I haven't told him about it but yesterday sent him a friendly self (in my attractive wig) and text. No response yet. He had prostate cancer 3 yrs ago and told me that on our 3rd date.
I REALLY like this guy and want him in my life in some capacity. I'm tempted to tell him about the cancer and ask him if he can be a friend to me through it since he's been there. I'm planning to call him tomorrow and leave a v-mail asking him to call me so we can catch up.
Informed and hopeful but maybe shouldn't be?
May 21, 2014 - 3:26pmThis Comment
Sounds like you two have good chemistry and get along. Frankly, you're chasing him (there are no ifs, ands, or buts) and MOST of the time, that doesn't end well. If he is crazy about it, he will make sure that he sees you. I say start dating those who initiate the dating.
August 31, 2014 - 7:01amThis Comment
Asperger's Syndrom is not a mental disorder but a different hardware, the same thing applies to homosexuals. It is like saying a gazelle in a lions' cage has some kinda disfunction. ;)
May 16, 2014 - 7:38pmThis Comment
Asperger Syndrome is, in fact, a neurodevelopmental disorder. Homosexuality is not comparable to Asperger Syndrome because Homosexuality is not a disorder, these two things are completely irrelevant to one another.
December 22, 2014 - 10:54pmThis Comment
Except that a lion and a gazelle are two different species.
August 30, 2014 - 11:25amNeurotypicals and individuals with Asperger's are humans alike.
This Comment
I am very uncomfortable with forums, but I feel that this may be a good place to get other people's thoughts on this particular subject. I have been thinking about this seriously for months now and have sought advice from professionals as well as my parents who are both very well-educated in this field as they are mental health professionals who have worked with autistic individuals. I have been dating a man who is mildly autistic--he is high-functioning and has been incredibly fortunate to have parents who have been extremely attentive to his needs since he was born so he has been able to overcome many of the obstacles autistic individuals often face. I had a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that he suffered from mild autism when he told me because of how well he functioned with daily tasks and social situations. Especially with social cues and eye contact. As our time together progressed I started to see what he struggles with. For sake of preventing this to be too lengthy, I'll just say that what he struggles with I have learned how to handle and how to approach him about my needs, his needs, etc. It can be challenging at times, but in the end it only strengthens our connection as opposed to costing us emotionally. His parents are very approving of our relationship and so are mine. Which brings me to why I am writing this...intimacy. It took us a long time to develop in the physical aspect of our relationship and understandably so. We kiss, hold hands, and make-out. He becomes very nervous and struggles with confidence and that is partially a factor as to why we haven't actually had sex. However, I think in the end the reason it hasn't happened is because of me. I also think that because we haven't had sex yet is hurting his confidence. Him suffering from mild-autism keeps eating at me when it comes to sex because I don't want to feel like I am at all taking advantage or victimizing him in any way. I know I wouldn't be and he has expressed numerous times the desire to share it with me and that is he more than ready. I think it's just a mindset I've put myself in that I've struggled to get out of. We are deeply in love with each other and we have been together for a long time and I know we are both needing that intimacy--should I just stop thinking so much and let it happen finally? I'm worried the longer I wait I could upset my boyfriend and I don't want to--he understands, but still struggles grasping the full breadth of my concerns. I know the answer is yes we should just do it. I am dying to. I really just need support from a place that isn't my parents or close friend because I have talked their ears off so much with this subject. (I'm lucky my dad can handle the sex topic )Any thoughts would be appreciated, thank you.
December 11, 2012 - 4:24pmThis Comment
Don't do anything you don't feel comfortable doing. Don't blame yourself. There is something deep down that is stopping you. A voice, perhaps, that is warning you. You sound pretty serious about your relationship with him, so let's take a look at the future. A typical scenario with high functioning autism....He acts like Mr. Right up until you get home from the honeymoon. Then, you start to notice the change. His mission has been accomplished (wife), and he can go back to just being himself, now. It seems like he ignores you. It seems like he just drops the bucket. But actually, he might just be relaxing and feeling comfortable with his life...However, mind blindness means he will never really know you. He can't really understand your perspective. You will always struggle to try to get him to understand that you have needs in the relationship that aren't being met, and his thoughts will be very self-centered. Relationships are a struggle for him, and they will also be that way for you if you marry a high-functioning autistic man. Just saying, that maybe there is a reason, a voice deep down that might be warning you.
May 7, 2014 - 11:04amThis Comment
Hello all - I hope someone can share some wisdom on this subject: I have been involved with an Aspie man for almost seven years. We parted a few months ago but have recently been connecting more. When we separated we had no knowledge of Asperger's but given the knowledge I now have I truly want to reconcile. He is warm to me, not involved with anyone else but his obsessions :o), but it seems a decision has been made and he has expressed to friends that he is in transition, not being with me as much. He is more open to me than he has been in months and I am bursting to express my joy and love for him but hesitate for fear of overwhelming. I don't want to rush the universe! Yet, I understand that he may have no idea of where I am even though I feel it's evident. Any experience and hope would be greatly appreciated. Blessings.
October 26, 2012 - 8:44amThis Comment
I have tried to be friends with a man in my neighborhood who I think may have aspergers. We met briefly and exchanged hellos several tis. I texted him to ask if he wanted to walk our dogs together and he said no because he was trying to get back together with an old girlfriend. I told him I just wanted to be friends and he never responded back. A few months later I texted him to ask how he was doing and he still didn't respond. Should I text him again or what? I would rather approach him in person but not sure if he would respond to that. Help!!
September 10, 2012 - 4:38amThis Comment
Leave him alone.
May 7, 2014 - 11:08amThis Comment