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Being involved in a successful romantic relationship can be difficult for most people. Consider all the breakup self-help books available, the movies portraying cheating significant others, constant fighting and dramatic breakups, and your own relationship history.
Do you think these difficulties increase or decrease for someone with a mental disorder? Let’s just say that it’s not easy to have a relationship while trying to function “normally” in the world.
For people who have Asperger’s disorder or autistic disorder, social interaction is complicated. Although people with Asperger’s are thought to have high-functioning autism, they still have social problems. For example, people with Asperger’s don’t contribute as much socially and emotionally, and they don’t know how to use nonverbal behaviors as well, like eye contact, according to an abnormal psychology textbook.
Interaction and emotional reciprocity are important in relationships, so it’s no wonder that it would be a challenge for someone with Asperger’s or autism to be in a relationship. Although this doesn’t happen for everyone, it’s a stereotype that someone with these disorders will not share his or her emotions as frequently. For example, they might not say “I love you” or show affection as often, because they don’t understand and express emotions as well as the typical person.
If you decide to be in a relationship with someone who has Asperger’s or autism, it seems there are some things you have to consider to help the relationship work. Keep in mind, this may not apply to everyone who has Asperger’s or autism. There is the proposed autism spectrum disorder, which places autism and Asperger’s together. Basic symptoms will be the same, but specifics may differ.
This is what I have observed after being in a short relationship with someone who thought he had Asperger’s and through reading different articles:
1) Don’t assume the other person is uninterested, just because he isn’t telling you he likes you or finds you attractive. Decide what you think of him and let him know. After he is aware of your attraction and isn’t confused about nonverbal gestures and flirtation, it might be easier for him to decide if he feels the same way.
2) Don’t be alarmed if your significant other is confused by romantic gestures, like hugging or kissing. Stop if needed, but also try explaining what the gestures mean, or suggest going to a psychologist together so you can work on your partner’s relationship skills.
3) Tell your partner how you are feeling, especially if you are angry, and why. Your partner may not understand your emotions and why you are reacting a certain way.
4) Learn what his interests are, and try to engage in activities focusing on those interests. Go on a few dates where social interaction isn’t necessarily the focus.
5) Ease him into large social situations, like parties or group outings. Understand if he is overwhelmed or decides not to go with you – he might prefer being alone or with less people.
6) Understand that some people with Asperger’s can be brutally honest, according to the book “Asperger Syndrome and Long-Term Relationships.” The book explains that when talking about reasons for marriage, a person with Asperger’s might say that there is an availability of sex as the main reason, while not including his love of his significant other. Romance can be puzzling to someone with Asperger’s, but again, you will probably see improvement after explaining the meaning behind it, why it’s necessary and that it makes you feel good.
7) If your partner talks in a confusing manner, like in riddles or using complex vocabulary, or doesn’t answer your questions directly, ask him for more clarification. Also, remember not to use riddles, jokes or sarcasm in the same way you would with someone who doesn’t have Asperger’s or autism. If you do, ask if they understood and then explain what you meant. Otherwise, they might be hurt by what you said or just be confused.
8) If your partner has certain quirks, like not wanting to talk on the phone, understand that it may be related to Asperger's. Confront them about the issue if it bothers you, and explain why.
Sources:
http://www.opposingviews.com/i/the-romantic-lives-of-young-adults-with-asperger-s-syndrome
http://www.specialfamilies.com/dating_marriage_&_autism.htm
http://www.amazon.com/Asperger-Syndrome-Long-Term-Relationships-Stanford/dp/1843107341/ref=cm_lmf_tit_3
Abnormal Psychology: An Integrative Approach by David Barlow and V. Mark Durand
http://www.dsm5.org/ProposedRevisions/Pages/proposedrevision.aspx?rid=94
Add a Comment186 Comments
Ange. I have been seeing *dating* a guy that i believe may be Autistic.
November 28, 2011 - 10:28pmHe hates animals, he dooesn't have much eye contact, he doesn't show much emotion. Sometimes none. Sometimes he seems robotic. In bed there doesn't seem to be any romance. Just hot sex. Or should i say him getting off. he can be very selfish. But yet sometimes he can be very helpfull , like when something needs to be repaired on my house or my car.
He has no friends and wants to be very successful with money and business.
Yet he is so intelligent but in other areas isn't.
I have wondered what is wrong with him for years until i started reading about Autism as i have a 2 yr old nephew who may have it.
he always wants to do what he wants to do, never goes to social gatherings and likes me to look perfect. I've gained a little weight of late and he always comments that he'd be happier with m if i went back to my old weight.
he has tried to change my style of dressing from "hippy" to sexy. Low cut tops. and "smart" clothing.
his house is very basic.
No trincets nor ornaments, collectables.
he still used the same breakfast bowl that he had as a child up until a few years ago when it broke.
Could someone please help me here and tell me if these are classic symptoms of Autism.
He also likes to have the odd one night stand and insists to me that it's just sex and that he needs variety.
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Ange. I have been seeing *dating* a guy that i believe may be Autistic.
November 28, 2011 - 10:18pmHe hates animals, he dooesn't have much eye contact, he doesn't show much emotion. Sometimes none. Sometimes he seems robotic. In bed there doesn't seem to be any romance. Just hot sex. Or should i say him getting off. he can be very selfish. But yet sometimes he can be very helpfull , like when something needs to be repaired on my house or my car.
He has no friends and wants to be very successful with money and business.
Yet he is so intelligent but in other areas isn't.
I have wondered what is wrong with him for years until i started reading about Autism as i have a 2 yr old nephew who may have it.
he always wants to do what he wants to do, never goes to social gatherings and likes me to look perfect. I've gained a little weight of late and he always comments that he'd be happier with m if i went back to my old weight.
he has tried to change my style of dressing from "hippy" to sexy. Low cut tops. and "smart" clothing.
his house is very basic.
No trincets nor ornaments, collectables.
he still used the same breakfast bowl that he had as a child up until a few years ago when it broke.
Could someone please help me here and tell me if these are classic symptoms of Autism.
He also likes to have the odd one night stand and insists to me that it's just sex and that he needs variety.
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Thank you all for sharing. I have a friend who has fallen for a woman who has all these symptoms. she's destroyed his relationship with all his female friends. It's good to know i'm not crazy. Any help to get him to look at this relationship realistically as one to be careful of -not that she doesn't deserve love and affection, but he should know what he's getting in to.
October 16, 2011 - 6:07pmThis Comment
Di October 4, 2011 at 9:02 pm
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My daughter has an aspi as a friend and they have tried to get together 3 times and crashed and burned. From what my daughter tells me, he loves to a great degree and is loyal but very afraid of rejection and has had a hard homelife. He told my daughter how much he likes being with her and seemed they seemed very happy together. He has had a constant female friend in his life for almost 2 years who was my daughters friend. She actually introduced them. She herself has personal issues and a personality disorder. She is very narcissistic and runs his life. He was once interested in her, she never interested in him but strings him along. She claims to be bi. They are together 24/7 when they are not in school and even go on trips together with his family. He attempted for the 3rd time to have a relationship with my daughter and actually asked her out and when she questioned him still being with this girl alone all the time, he wound up breaking up with my daughter and pretty quickly at that. The other girl and he wanted to keep the same relationship and have my daughter as a girlfriend and my daughter couldn’t understand it. The other girl sent my daughter a text basically writing her off and the guy told my daughter he didn’t want to have to choose between my daughter and his best friend, this other girl. My daughter is pretty sure this other girl was probably with him when he texted her that he was breaking up with her(after only 5 days). My daughter and him have since made up, but not dating. He does not see my daughter outside of school because the other girl is angry with my daughter and they are done as friends. If she’s not friends with my daughter, he doesn’t come around. My daughter apologized to her but to no avail. My daughter is destroyed. She is 17 of course and hopefully will get over this. I think he is done trying but it wouldn’t surprise me if he tried again and I don’t think my daughter can go through this again. Is this some behavior of an aspie. Really sad for my daughter and I saw him like a son. Really sad. Any advice is welcome. Thanks so much.
October 4, 2011 - 5:44pmThis Comment
This article and reader comments has been so informative for me. I have been in an on/off relationship with a man (I suspect is Aspie) for 11 years. The behaviors he demonstrates are like several of the teenage students I have taught who have been diagnosed with the condition & our relationship has been so like some of the experience the long term partners have described in the preceding comments. Thank you for sharing this. For so long I thought there was something very, very wrong with me.
After some time apart from this man and after re-building my self esteem, I really do want him to get a diagnosis. How? I don't know how to encourage him to get a diagnosis as the crucial time of having children is looming and the issues associated with this have seemed to cause him some distress. He is 45 and he po-pooed the idea that he has Autism or Aspergers when I raised the issue several years ago and I fear I might be rocking the boat too much if I push the issue again. I totally understand the pain and isolation expressed by some of the women married to to older undiagnosed men.
I love this man and I feel the pain he feels. He has often said it is hard to be him. He says he doesn't understand why he does the things he does (that hurt me) and he is able to express how confusing he finds his 'emotions'. Despite the pain he has caused me and I'm now trying to find the strength to move my life forward.
July 25, 2011 - 5:09amThis Comment
so good to hear from aspergers husbands and wives also.so glad you can recognise it takes two to make a marriage work.
November 16, 2010 - 12:31pmi have battled for over 40 years to get an answer to our relationship problems.i always knew there was a reason for the behaviour.the other a/s members of my husbands family [many] are mainly divorced.the a/s partner in some cases will not even consider that their behaviour is not conducive to a good marriage.some[our 2 daughters have had 2 failed attemps]like my husband they cant or wont see others point of view.
so sad .although my husband has not changed,i have.
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when we first married my a/s husband was very dominant.if he can get his own way he will.i think he chose carefuly.he always went out with girls far younger than himself.think he learnt that if he went out with some one his age,they soon sussed he was different.sexualy inexperianced,bossy childlike.
November 13, 2010 - 2:55pmso he found me,16 yr old virgin.shy and insecure.i suppose i accepted it because i had a dominant mother,so not unusual to have one dominant partner in marriage.but as the expert said here all a/s people are so different,my a/s brother in law and my younger daughter[both a/s]are very passive.hubby,his twin and older daughter[all a/s] are all very dominant.wide spectrum.but we do not have to stay in marriageif we do not want to[well unless arranged]its our choice.once you have diagnosis.work with it or leave.my marriage vows meant a lot to me.also got a/s kids,so cant divorce them.
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Hi Anonymous, I am really sorry to hear about the awful things that have happened to you and I really hope you are in a better posistion now. I hope that things have improved for you and continue to do so.
Your ex-husband may have had Aspergers, but by the sound of it he was a bully and incredibly manipulative too. These are traits that are not in any way common with Aspergers Syndrome. I daresay it is learned behaviour from his family.
It is fair to say that some people with Aspergers can equally be a product of their enviroment and their family experiences, just like anyone else. Aspergers Syndrome in no excuse for that kind of behaviour and as an Aspie myself, I am horrified when I here ofstories like yours, regardless of who is involved.
I genuinely hope that things turn out well for you.
Best Wishes
November 13, 2010 - 5:44amThis Comment
I know my husband has AS its everything you all said here in a nutshell and other sites too, but one problem ...he takes it to the extreme.
November 12, 2010 - 11:08pmI met him online and my greencard status he's supposed to apply for me is non existant, ( over a year of control and manipulation) he held me prisoner practically and abused me if I had another point of view, since he just doesnt get the evil done to me.
He took the leadership of the man role (he heard from the pastor) to a whole different level ( since he doesnt understand metaphors and takes things literally) The worst is his entire family has this, his father is practically a narcissist. Im a domestic abuse shelter..go figure.....
I need help if I only knew....sigh....
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yes my a/s husband is a controle freak too.and he always has been,and its nothing to do with our religion,our church teaches love and equality.seems to me people with a/s are all different.one of my a/s daughters is a controling a/s.just like her dad,very bossy,hypa.O C D ,very difficult to get on with,like her dad.
November 20, 2010 - 2:32amour other daughter who is also a/s is very passive,quiet.shy.my husbands /S BROTHER IS PASSIVE ALSOvery quiet.husbands sister a. /s is very controling,out going.obsessive/so you see there are many types of behaviour in the spectrum.
the one thing they share is thier innability to communicate,obsessive hobby.no empathy,no interest in others lives ,only if they share same obsession.
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