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We've watched 'What Not To Wear' and have slowly begun collectively tossing our overalls forever and never, ever buying plastic belts, no matter how neon, gold or skinny-jean oriented they may be. However, when it comes to what not to do, particularly when it comes to ex lovers, spouses, boyfriends, girlfriends or partners, we're still stuck in the Eighties, hopelessly clinging to our big hair and spandex. It's really, truly, time to upgrade.
One mistake most women make when it comes to their ex is keeping the door open for a good continuing relationship. If there are children involved, this may be necessary - or at least a type of civility may be necessary; but real, true, honest to goodness friendship is really, and yes, I'm apologizing in advance to the BFF breakers up here, not a great idea.
The complications that arise when the new love interest comes upon the situation are not savory. They stink, in fact. Not to mention the triangulation and (yes, metaphorical) strangulation which may occur if the new flame is friends with the old and so on. This is your life and, while it is utopian and lovely to want us "all to just get along" remaining tight with the old bed buddy is not a good boundary; at least not until a year or even more have gone by and the memories are as faded as that old shirt of his you definitely do NOT have hanging still, in your closet.
Another thing to stop doing immediately is actually sleeping with your ex. This may seem outlandish due to the fact that so many of us continue to have intimate relations with our exes and then tell so many people it's not true that we begin to believe it ourselves. While it may feel good, comforting, hot and even theatrical to continue to sleep with your ex while you are not in a real relationship, it is something akin to stripping a wound of its tender scab over and over again...healing is without question not taking place in this situation. Instead, go solo or safely try on a new pair of leather shoes. Safely try on a new pair of pants. Safely date. Someone other than your ex, of course. See friends, take up hobbies you'd left behind, go on vacation.
Limiting contact may hurt, may feel wrong, may even make you feel you're not a nice person for shutting him out With all sincerity, taking this space, both mentally and physically is an incredible step toward finally breaking up. Letting go is hard, but necessary if there is going to be room in your life for an evolving you, and possibly your new partner.
Aimee Boyle is a freelance writer and special education high school teacher who lives, writes and teaches in CT with her family.
Add a Comment71 Comments
Am I insane? to be still thinking of my ex after breaking up for a year. Everyday, I spend many hours thinking about how badly he've hurt me, especially when I lie in bed, sometimes it haunts me so bad that I just couldn't sleep. Should I seek professional help? I feel this whole thing is screwing up my life!
February 24, 2010 - 3:12amThis Comment
I understand how you feel. I lost sleep over one of my exes for 3 days. He was an alcoholic so it left me with losts of unaswered questions and anger. I cried everyday for awhile, wherever I was, even in public (my mind always trailed off to how he had wronged me.) I vented and cried a lot to everyone. I think what finally snapped me out of it was doing stuff in my life that would help me to not think about the past. I started taking classes, rollerblading, and visiting family a lot more - having something to look forward too, helps out a lot. I find it helps to surround yourself with those who will always be there for you. Take Care and think positive!
May 7, 2010 - 6:38amThis Comment
YES! Please seek professional help! Imagine a year from now being able to write the same identical post and 2 years from now writing the same identical post! (That's what happened to me, I was as obsessed and upset as you but for THREE years!) It was horrible! Please get on antidepressants or see psychologist. You are now CLINICALLY depressed. After 6 months, it is no longer a situational depression. You will not get better on your own, please seek help! You can feel differently and better!
March 20, 2010 - 11:57amGod bless you!
This Comment
I love my kid and only want what is best for him, I have a new boyfriend now and he totaly adores my son.
My son take him as his father and love him alot.
I love my kid and only want what is best for him, I have a new boyfriend now and he totaly adores my son.My son take him as his father and love him alot.
http://www.firstblast.info
February 9, 2010 - 1:35pmThis Comment
Just wanted to thank all of the thoughtful people commenting on this post. Also, I would like to clarify my point and state that being black and white in our thinking about this and just "cutting someone off" without taking into account more complex emotions and relationships is NOT what I was aiming for here. Rather, I was hoping to empower women to really feel strong enough to end a relationship when the ending of the relationship was WHAT THEY WANTED and not to be pulled back in because of guilt, a feeling of not deserving something different, or because of the ex's maintaining emotional control or even emotional blackmail.
Of course life is messy, complicated and difficult, especially when it comes to love and sex. I am really getting at the meat and potatoes of learning to embrace your own feelings, which, for many women feels almost decadent. If YOU have decided to break up with someone, THEN my advice is to REALLY BREAK UP - perhaps, as so many articulate people have said here - NOT FOREVER, but at least for enough time to give YOURSELF A CHANCE to breathe, to recover, to get to know yourself apart from the relationship.
Hope this clears some things up.
Thank you so very much for the thought, effort, and caring put into your comments.
Aimee
January 30, 2010 - 12:44pmThis Comment
In my humble opinion, I think being friends with an ex-boyfriend is completely do-able BUT there is a huge difference between having intimate relationships with an ex and calling it quits and moving on with no hard feelings.
I have to agree with the above post because anytime there are feelings involved in a relationship between two people, there are consequences. I have had a gentleman friend for more than 20 years and I know that if that threshold is crossed in any way, things will never be the same.
Word to the wise, walk away humbled by the experience.
January 30, 2010 - 10:05amThis Comment
I don't believe this is good advice. Perhaps for some, but I would go see a counselor if you are having internal issues regarding your relationships. We, as humans, are incredibly complex, and our lives do not fit neatly into a specified order. At least not with relationships. They are messy, they always will be. It is just life. I think this post does have some good commentary. It brings up the point that if you are still being intimate with an ex that you or he no longer want mentally. Perhaps you should stop and evaluate it for yourself "Is this healthy, is this okay with who I am?" If no, then perhaps you should change, if not, and you are truly aware of yourself, perhaps taking the above advice is damaging.
January 30, 2010 - 9:21amThis Comment
Lasting friendship with an ex is completely possible and possibly healthy, just not right out of the gate. One of my best friends is an ex -- after the break-up we did not speak or have any contact for about four months and then we slowly re-established a friendship after that, resuming a normal friend relationship after about a year. One important rule was to keep our romantic lives pretty private (I didn't want to know and he was kind enough not to tell me for a long time.) Five years later we've reached a place where we feel comfortable talking about significant others, and I've just helped him and his longtime girlfriend through a stressful break-up. It helps that we weren't a good match romantically and mature enough to see it with no hard feelings (after the initial separation). Was it weird sometimes? Sure, but with clear boundaries and the gift of growing out of our early 20s it was totally worth it.
While I'm friends with him I'm not friends with other exes. I just wanted to share that it is possible to be friends in the long run, especially if your attraction was more intellectual and personality/interests based than physical to begin with, but that initial severing of contact is crucial to making it work (and letting you know if you want to let them back in again later on.)
January 26, 2010 - 3:56amThis Comment
I agree with Anonymous posting here on Jan. 26th. A friendship with an 'Ex' could be healthy for many reasons. One thing to establish is it based on friendship, and that was part of the reason for the marriage in the first place. Other things happened which ended the marriage. I went through the same thing with my first husband. We did realize years later it was best to discuss why we broke up, and get it out. We did. I left him, and I did explain he was too controlling, and right down to squeezing the toothpaste tube in the middle and leaving it that way. I did not screw on a mayonnaise jar all the way one time, and he called me on that. It is well to say that the little controlling things add up to huge. This was a major reason why I left him. He also did a horrible thing to me, and five minutes before I was to sing at a friend's wedding. I was nervous to go up in front of this huge gathering. He said, "You have nose hairs sticking out of your nose. Ickkk!" It made me so self conscious, and the wrong time to say this to me, to make me feel ugly. I got through the song, but I was so hurt he would do that to me right before I sang. I told him about this years later, and he said, "I was so immature at that time. I cannot believe I even said this to you. Please forgive me." Well, I did, but he understood this was one of the reasons I left him; i.e., he periodically put me down to build himself up. I think I am right about this, and his reasons for calling me on the mayonnaise jar also. We did communicate, and got a lot out, and now have since emailed each other periodically, and regained the good part of why we were together and got married in the first place. It did my heart well to say to him how he had hurt me, and he was very benevolent with what he had done to me, and the key is this: he said he was sorry.
He has many great sides and attributes to him. He is a friend now, and I guess that is what was best to happen with our relationship - not to be married, but be of kindred souls with each other now. He also was a 'Missionary style' sex partner, and I felt it was that he felt that it was up to a woman to please a man, and that was the reason to have 'sex'. He never tried to please me, and sometimes it was a 'Wham, Bam, Thank You Mam' type of relationship in bed. This was another reason as to why I did leave him. I knew this was not a 'One Way Street' with one's partner and spouse, and someone else out there would be better for me with this one aspect in a married relationship, alone.
I am glad we are friends now. It has been healthy for both of us. We realize we got married so young also, and both unable to be wed to each other; yet, we did have a reason to be friends. I do love him now, as a friend. I take his good things about him, and choose to concentrate on this. I wish everyone well with making amends after any break-up. There are always 'two sides' to every story. I am grateful that he did listen to me to understand my side of why I had to leave him. It has been healthy for both of us, I feel.
January 26, 2010 - 2:14pmThis Comment
For a year after my ex slept with someone else on my 21st birthday, I continued to see him and be intimate whilst telling my friends and family i wasnt. The good feelings are definitely not worth the bad. I learnt thaat lesson the hard way!!!
January 18, 2010 - 5:27amThis Comment