I can identify with more of what has been written here than any of you can imagine. I have been caregiver for my wife through four bouts with breast cancer over the last seven years and, although she is doing well now, I have my own challenges in keeping things going as I have more responsibilities than I bargained for.
Should you leave? That's a question only you can answer for yourself, but as was mentioned above you have to consider the consequences. Will you feel guilty? Will you be able to live with your decision? How will you feel when he dies if you weren't there for him? Are you the type of person that cares what other people think? If so, how will you deal with the criticism of your choice from those who don't and cannot understand?
It seems to me that one way to look at it is to consider the consequences of making the wrong choice. In other words, would it be better to leave and be wrong or to stay and be wrong? Which will be harder to rectify: staying or leaving? My guess is that it would be easier to stay and be wrong than to leave and be wrong because it would be easier to leave than to come back.
Given that it would be easier to stay and be wrong, how about trying some coping ideas? I have learned a lot about dealing with this and have some specific suggestions (I realize that all of these things are easy to say but much harder to do, but I'm going to throw them out there anyway!):
1. Try to concentrate on the good things in your life rather than the bad things. I often spent a lot of time feeling resentful at the position I was in, but when I started looking at the things that were working, things seemed much better.
2. Accept a "new normal." A lot of the stress we feel is because we want things to be the way they were or the way we want them to be. They won't. Face it, accept it, and deal with it. Realize that "normal" is no longer what it used to be and that you have a new standard.
3. It is common for caregivers to fall into "victimhood" - I certainly did! Create something that is just for you. What do you like to do? If you like to garden, for example, then start a garden and work in it as often as you can; you will feel like it is your little "safe-haven" in the world.
4. Take time for yourself. It doesn't have to be a big thing like an Hawaiian vaction, but rather plan to have lunch with some friends... AND DON'T TALK ABOUT YOUR SITUATION. Take a 2-hour "vacation" from it and have a normal, fun lunch.
5. Look forward to something. Again, this doesn't have to be a big deal, and it is someting that you and your spouse can even do together. For example, make a big deal out of your (or his) favorite TV show; light some candles, make some popcorn, etc. Each week, then, you can look forward to this special time. Perhaps having this to look forward to will help him out of his funk for at least a little while.
6. Laugh. Seems impossible, doesn't it? Did you know that you can receive the benefits of laughter by forcing a fake laugh? It's true. Try to find some humor in your situation - it can be quite a challenge, but it's there if you look hard enough. When my wife and I were walking into the hospital for her mastectomy she stopped suddenly and said, "I forgot to bring my boob!" I said, "What do you mean? I'm right here!" It didn't change anything, but we laughed and felt better and that's what humor is for: to help you feel better.
7. There is a phenomenon called "compassion fatigue" - I was surprised and relieved to know that it is so common that there is actually a term for it. I suffer from it, and it sounds like most of the folks on this thread do too. Sometimes you give all you have and there is simply nothing left to give, yet the demands on you don't change. That makes it all the more important to try some of the things I mentioned above in order to recharge your batteries.
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I can identify with more of what has been written here than any of you can imagine. I have been caregiver for my wife through four bouts with breast cancer over the last seven years and, although she is doing well now, I have my own challenges in keeping things going as I have more responsibilities than I bargained for.
Should you leave? That's a question only you can answer for yourself, but as was mentioned above you have to consider the consequences. Will you feel guilty? Will you be able to live with your decision? How will you feel when he dies if you weren't there for him? Are you the type of person that cares what other people think? If so, how will you deal with the criticism of your choice from those who don't and cannot understand?
It seems to me that one way to look at it is to consider the consequences of making the wrong choice. In other words, would it be better to leave and be wrong or to stay and be wrong? Which will be harder to rectify: staying or leaving? My guess is that it would be easier to stay and be wrong than to leave and be wrong because it would be easier to leave than to come back.
Given that it would be easier to stay and be wrong, how about trying some coping ideas? I have learned a lot about dealing with this and have some specific suggestions (I realize that all of these things are easy to say but much harder to do, but I'm going to throw them out there anyway!):
1. Try to concentrate on the good things in your life rather than the bad things. I often spent a lot of time feeling resentful at the position I was in, but when I started looking at the things that were working, things seemed much better.
2. Accept a "new normal." A lot of the stress we feel is because we want things to be the way they were or the way we want them to be. They won't. Face it, accept it, and deal with it. Realize that "normal" is no longer what it used to be and that you have a new standard.
3. It is common for caregivers to fall into "victimhood" - I certainly did! Create something that is just for you. What do you like to do? If you like to garden, for example, then start a garden and work in it as often as you can; you will feel like it is your little "safe-haven" in the world.
4. Take time for yourself. It doesn't have to be a big thing like an Hawaiian vaction, but rather plan to have lunch with some friends... AND DON'T TALK ABOUT YOUR SITUATION. Take a 2-hour "vacation" from it and have a normal, fun lunch.
5. Look forward to something. Again, this doesn't have to be a big deal, and it is someting that you and your spouse can even do together. For example, make a big deal out of your (or his) favorite TV show; light some candles, make some popcorn, etc. Each week, then, you can look forward to this special time. Perhaps having this to look forward to will help him out of his funk for at least a little while.
6. Laugh. Seems impossible, doesn't it? Did you know that you can receive the benefits of laughter by forcing a fake laugh? It's true. Try to find some humor in your situation - it can be quite a challenge, but it's there if you look hard enough. When my wife and I were walking into the hospital for her mastectomy she stopped suddenly and said, "I forgot to bring my boob!" I said, "What do you mean? I'm right here!" It didn't change anything, but we laughed and felt better and that's what humor is for: to help you feel better.
7. There is a phenomenon called "compassion fatigue" - I was surprised and relieved to know that it is so common that there is actually a term for it. I suffer from it, and it sounds like most of the folks on this thread do too. Sometimes you give all you have and there is simply nothing left to give, yet the demands on you don't change. That makes it all the more important to try some of the things I mentioned above in order to recharge your batteries.
April 20, 2009 - 2:17pmThis Comment
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