Mary, I'm so sad for you and your family. Erin sounds like a remarkable woman. The glimpses of her truly come to life in my mind as I read your beautifully written story.
About 20 years ago, when I was in college, I nearly ran myself to death. I was a very competitive marathon runner and would run from 15-20 miles every day. I have always been very much of a high achiever in every facet of my life, and my running became my form of escape. Of course, no matter how much I ate, I could never replace what I burned, and I got down to 90 pounds. I'm 5'9'' tall, so this was an awful weight to be. I was very depressed, although I had no idea, and those around me had no idea. I was an expert at control, and wanted nothing more than to please others while being great at everything I did. At the same time, I was literally trying to run away from my life. It was only when I ended up in the hospital dying that I received the therapy I needed to conquer the depression and, as a result, give up running in such an unhealthy way. I've done a lot of reading on anorexia over the years, and believe that it's more of a symptom of an underlying disorder than a disease itself. Often the disorder involved is depression. I don't believe that a person with anorexia can ever recover unless the underlying cause is flushed out and treated. It's so tricky. My mom was overcome with guilt when she realized how ill I was -- I'd been depressed for years, and running myself to death for years, and yet she and my dad had absolutely no idea. I was always so happy on the outside, but behind my smile was a lot of darkness. My mom blamed herself, but there was no way she could have known what to do to bring me up from my personal abyss.
I'm so grateful to have had the help I needed to recover from depression and to live a healthy life. I've since had four amazing babies. I experienced a "dip" into that abyss after the birth of my third, when I suffered from postpartum depression, but fortunately was able to get the help I needed to recover. (Depression has always been this monster lurking over my shoulder.) In recent months I started running again, for the first time in over 20 years, but in a very healthy and positive way. I've allowed myself to come full circle with my running, focusing on the positives it brought to my life as a young girl (having running buddies, a boost to my self esteem, the courage to try something challenging). At the same time, I know well that there are others, like your extraordinary Erin, who don't make it, and I mourn for those girls and women as well as their families who are left bewildered and stunned by how such vivacious lives can be taken so easily.
I so appreciate you sharing your story of Erin. I would have loved to have had the opportunity to get to know her.
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Mary, I'm so sad for you and your family. Erin sounds like a remarkable woman. The glimpses of her truly come to life in my mind as I read your beautifully written story.
About 20 years ago, when I was in college, I nearly ran myself to death. I was a very competitive marathon runner and would run from 15-20 miles every day. I have always been very much of a high achiever in every facet of my life, and my running became my form of escape. Of course, no matter how much I ate, I could never replace what I burned, and I got down to 90 pounds. I'm 5'9'' tall, so this was an awful weight to be. I was very depressed, although I had no idea, and those around me had no idea. I was an expert at control, and wanted nothing more than to please others while being great at everything I did. At the same time, I was literally trying to run away from my life. It was only when I ended up in the hospital dying that I received the therapy I needed to conquer the depression and, as a result, give up running in such an unhealthy way. I've done a lot of reading on anorexia over the years, and believe that it's more of a symptom of an underlying disorder than a disease itself. Often the disorder involved is depression. I don't believe that a person with anorexia can ever recover unless the underlying cause is flushed out and treated. It's so tricky. My mom was overcome with guilt when she realized how ill I was -- I'd been depressed for years, and running myself to death for years, and yet she and my dad had absolutely no idea. I was always so happy on the outside, but behind my smile was a lot of darkness. My mom blamed herself, but there was no way she could have known what to do to bring me up from my personal abyss.
I'm so grateful to have had the help I needed to recover from depression and to live a healthy life. I've since had four amazing babies. I experienced a "dip" into that abyss after the birth of my third, when I suffered from postpartum depression, but fortunately was able to get the help I needed to recover. (Depression has always been this monster lurking over my shoulder.) In recent months I started running again, for the first time in over 20 years, but in a very healthy and positive way. I've allowed myself to come full circle with my running, focusing on the positives it brought to my life as a young girl (having running buddies, a boost to my self esteem, the courage to try something challenging). At the same time, I know well that there are others, like your extraordinary Erin, who don't make it, and I mourn for those girls and women as well as their families who are left bewildered and stunned by how such vivacious lives can be taken so easily.
I so appreciate you sharing your story of Erin. I would have loved to have had the opportunity to get to know her.
February 4, 2009 - 4:08pmThis Comment
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