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Fear of having sex.

By Anonymous August 22, 2017 - 12:11pm
 
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Hey everyone.
I found this site and decided to open about the issue that is bothering me for a while. I have never talked about this with anyone so I hope you will understand and help me a bit.
I am 20 and I have been with my boyfriend for around 3 years. We have never had sex since I am just afraid of this. It's not the matter of intimacy, we have tried other things, we like being close to each other and just enjoy this. We talked about my fear and he understands this and never pressures on me (which I am so grateful for), if we decide to try, he stops if I tell him to do so. So it's not about this that he is forcing me to do this or anything, no. We just love each other and wanted to give it a go. Honestly, I can't exactly specify what I am afraid of. It's maybe pain a bit, but I know that this can be easily forgotten and it lasts just for a while. I think it might be connected with a fact that I was raised in a very religious family and love/sexual topics were always almost a taboo. I am not religious, currently I don't even go to church so I don't mind losing my virginity before marriage, I personally think it's a case between two people, their love and trust, not a paper that tells everyone they are together. But I have something like "What would my mum/others think?" thoughts. She is constantly mentioning the fact that I shouldn't be living with my boyfriend, that it's not time for children (I don't want to have children, I just wanted to have sex) and she usually mentions this that I will get pregnant. (I mean, she probably thinks we are already having sex like wild rabbits if we live in the same flat) It is really annoying for me, I know I'm only 20 but I guess teenagers have more sexual life than me right now so I don't think it's something bad. Wee have been together for a solid while with my boyfriend and we are planning on staying with each other to grow our love and trust, neither of us just wants to fu** and not to think about anything else. Maybe actually that's what the case is. I am sort of afraid of this number that represents my age in which I would lose my virginity and what would other people think. I know it's my "problem" and my life to decide about such things but somehow it doesn't let me do this.
I will be really grateful for any advice.
Thanks!

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HERWriter Guide

Hello Anon

Thank you for writing.

I'm not sure if you have a real fear of sex or you're just not ready.

Get your mother out of the scenario - you're young but you're still a grown woman; your personal life is your own. Don't let her discuss this with you, cut her off straight away and tell her it's as inappropriate for her to discuss your love life as it would be for you to discuss hers. Get your mom our of your head and tell her your personal life is a no-no when it comes to discussions. Ask her why she's so sex obsessed - tell her you're worried about her!

People who live together do a lot more than have sex like rabbits. They work, go out, do housework and pay bills.

Sex isn't an all-or-nothing thing. It seems you're just not ready and that's fine. If your boyfriend is ok with it and you are, then let nature take it's course and don't over-analyse it. Your love life is nobody else's business and it doesn't matter what anyone else does - they not thinking about you, I promise! I have learned in life that people think and talk about us far less than we think.

It sounds like you're trying to play a part - maybe due to what you see online or what you watch on TV. Or what you think is normal. It's all normal - we're all unique. Give the thoughts about "could I? should I?" alone for a while and enjoy life. Get on with life. Sex will happen organically. Right now you're making it a "thing" when it doesn't have to be. And when you become sexually active, you might even wonder what all the fuss was about!
Best,
Susan

August 22, 2017 - 2:04pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Susan Cody)

Thank you for your response!
First of all I obviously know that living together doesn't mean having sex all the time but just sharing everyday's good and bad things. It was just reference how ridiculous some of my mum's comments can be.
Yeah, maybe I am just not ready somehow. It's not like I obsessively want to have sex or anything, it was just bothering me because previously we would never even talk about this, we just had everything as it should be, we had intimate situations but were never going for trying to have sex. And through the time it just happened let's say that we were in the situaiton when we would have sex but I just didn't want to and since then it started being so strange. We talked about this and this topic just came alive. I have a feeling that now as we just talked about this, we don't mention this anymore but anyway it is in the air. Even tho my boyfriend claims that he is not thinking about this and ensures me that he doesn't think it's my fault or that he is not mad at me for anything - I feel that way and ask him about this sometimes. I know he is actually not blaiming me nor being upset about this but other part of me is just worried about this. Because of that I stopped wanting to come close to him and I avoid any intimate situations. It is really stupid and uncomfortable and I don't know how to deal with it. Of course in everyday life everything is as perfect as it was. But I just stopped "wanting" my boyfriend. I don't mean it in a dirty or something liek this way. Just in this normal way as every person in a relationship feels about his partner.
I am really grateful for being able to open about all this stuff.

August 22, 2017 - 2:42pm
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