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My boyfriend I quite a bit older than me (> 15 years) and we have been dating for almost a year and are about to move in together. At the beginning of the relationship he was hesitant to have sex so we waited for about 4 months. After that it has been maybe once every two weeks, and only been when we have been hungover (to feel better) or drunk. He claims to care about me and love me, and when I bring up the sex thing he has said things from he is uncomfortable with his weight, he still has some obstacles to overcome in his head as far as we go (he says he wants to be sure he is what I want, I'm not making a mistake, etc), and I think the age difference bothers him. He will still cuddle every now and then, we hug, don't really make out either. We are not super touchy feely which also kind of bothers me. I don't want to do anything to make him uncomfortable but at the same time I feel rejected and unwanted by him. I feel like it's my fault he can't sleep with me. He says he needs to 'work on it' but more and more time goes by, I wait, get frustrated and end up having a short temper, and I feel a little as if we are growing apart. I don't know what I can do to help him or if he will get over this.
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Dear Anon,
Thank you for your question and for choosing EmpowHER! I am sorry to read about the difficulties in your relationship but we’re here to help. There are many reasons why sex stops or is drastically reduced in a relationship. It can be due to stress, ill-health, a hectic schedule, illness, fatigue, depression, medications or a lack of interest in sex. A person may want to stop having sex with someone because they are no longer sexually interested in them. To know why your boyfriend has changed and to understand why your intimate life is lacking, you will need to talk to him. Only your boyfriend can tell you the truth, all we can do is give you possibilities as we have done above. Anything else is a kind of guessing game on our part as we do not know your relationship, we do not know your boyfriend and we don’t know what he has to say about things.
Tell your boyfriend the truth and never play head games. Tell him you love him, you miss the intimacy with him and want to work with him to make things better. Be kind and gentle but also be firm. Your boyfriend needs to accept that things are going wrong in the relationship and needs to take part ownership in this.
Don’t beg for sex or nag or get frustrated anymore. It’s time to have an adult conversation in this adult relationship. Any relationship can be saved if both parties are willing to be honest and are willing to work through their problems. Therapy may be helpful to you. But without this, the relationship will stay as it is or get worse.
Make a point of helping to make things better and I hope your boyfriend will work with you. If he is not interested in making any kind of changes, then the changes will have to come from you. You will have to decide if this is what you want from your life or if you want more. That will be up to you.
You cannot “fix” or change a person that does not want to be changed. Please keep us posted and make sure your happiness is also a priority.
Anon, did this help?
Best,
Kristin
September 29, 2014 - 1:50pmThis Comment