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I feel alone and confused!!

By August 4, 2013 - 2:21pm

My name is Cera and I am 31 and married to my best friend for 3 years on the 21st of august, at least I thought I was.......We have been together since 2007 and we have always been best friends, we do everything together and loved every minute of it! I couldnt have asked for anything better! He loved my children like they were his own and that was my main concern in finding someone to spend my life with!
Now when we met I found out when he was young he had cancer and had a life saving bone marrow transplant. The cancer left him sterile, I always wanted more children and I had made the decision that I loved him so much I will sacrafice more children, plus I have 2 that I love and he does too, as if they are his.
About 2 years ago things started to go downhill. He landed in the hospital with pneomona in 3 out of 4 chambers of his lungs, they transported him to a bigger hospital for more specialty doctors and testing. We then found out that he was inches from death when he arrived and he was lucky to get there when he did. Test after test after test, we find out he also has right sided heart failure, they told us his heart is that of a 70 year old mans.......he was 37 at the time!

So theres is a lot more to the story but it would take forever to write. He is on a cocktail of meds daily for his heart and lungs, including steriods. He also has chronic back pain the will put him in bed for days....so he is also on narcodic pain pills and pain patches!

My best friend has done a 180, he is a stranger.......this is horrible! He yells and screams at my Children and it breaks my heart to know what they did have with him and now what it is! That in turn has turned me away from him, I love this man so much more then I could ever describe....but I love my children more!
I know what he is going through, I understand, but he treats us so badly and I cant talk to him about it and if I interviene in his yell at my kids, I get yelled at. He refuses therapy, he wont even go alone.
I wake up throughout the night to check on him, he is on oxygen, I am so worried about him.

Anyway I just feel so alone, almost abandoned by my best friend, we do not have sex, and we went from holding hands ALL the time and never leaving eachother or getting off the phone without I Love You. Now Im lucky if he looks at me or agknowledges me without anger, there are glimpeses of the man I married in there, but I cant live on a glimpse! Mostly I cannot continue to raise my children in these conditions. They are 12 and 14 and are being drill sargented by him, it hurts me so bad to see them just take this and quietly say ok to him, if they dare to speak out to defend themselves he is screaming.

I feel he is trying to control everything he can since his health is out of control.....

I am not scared or threatened by him, it is just a lot of negativity, I just do not know what to do anymore, I married this man and I love him, I cannot just leave him, even if I wanted to I would feel as if I couldnt do that to him, I feel so bad for him on one hand and the other is just screaming what about my kids and my own life!!

I recieve attention from other men and it makes me feel good, I would never cheat but I it makes me feel good!
I am starting a business and all at the same time he is unable to work.....he is waiting on disability. So now we are losing money and our parents have to help us pay bills. I cannot stand not being independant.

I am confused I am alone I am struggling

By October 25, 2015 - 12:44pm

Thank you for your responses, Since I was last on here, my Husband was put on antidepressants and anxiety meds, he is still with us and was better for a time, quite a long time. Until he had another hospital trip and things went downhill, his doctor refuses to up his dosage of his antidepressants. He is not as bad as he was but its still bad enough that I am in a constant shutoff mode and my kids are still the same with him. He would not leave as to give us time to have some peace. He always is making me feel as if something is wrong with me and I have seeked therapy and he has gone a few times by himself, things still seem to be in this limbo, I love him greatly, but I still feel like i'd like to be happy and my kids as well. I feel selfish for wanting this because I know he suffers daily, but also makes a minimal effort to better himself, he talks about things he would like to do and can control but never follows through. His doctor even was trying to give him a wake up call, saying that it is his choice and responsibility to change, or control certain choices he makes.
There is no pallitave care in our area, anytime I want to make plans with friends or go somewhere he gets very angry and makes me feel very guilty for doing anything but working. I'm really not sure how to take or handle this behavior. His Mother says he loves me and needs me and not to take what he says to heart all the time because he is sick and tired of being sick and tired. Like an excuse for his behavior, i'm to the point where I don't know how bad it is anymore, I have become like a zombie.

October 25, 2015 - 12:44pm
By HERWriter Guide August 5, 2013 - 9:17am

Hi Cera

I have to agree with Suzanne. What you are going through it utterly unfair and it's also very unfair for your husband - he didn't ask for any of  this and cancer attacked him as a child. Life has been very cruel to him.

Your children are also "living with" his health issues and his conditions. They suffer from all the side effects too, except theirs is a deep mental and emotional suffering - something that can scar deeper than anything physical.

What is his prognosis, do you know? I can understand his pain but to take it out on his family like this is still unacceptable. You may need to consider getting him into care so that your home and your children have peace.  Do you have any kind of contingency plan?

We hope to hear back from you!


August 5, 2013 - 9:17am
By August 4, 2013 - 2:53pm

He refuses to stay with them, he told me to leave with the kids if that what I want, there is no reasoning with him. I feel as if something needs to happen.

I know his steriods are making him, in combination with the pain meds, moody. We are going to his pulmonary doctor on Friday, I will see if they can evaluate his meds and I will try to bring this up to the doctor about the moods.
Im sure there is in my area, I just didnt know if they could help us, i heard there are classes or something of the sort for caregivers or spouses on coping with ill/dying.

August 4, 2013 - 2:53pm
By August 4, 2013 - 2:44pm

Forgive my typo...I meant your children and their well being are YOUR first priority.

August 4, 2013 - 2:44pm
By August 4, 2013 - 2:43pm

Are his parents in a position to have him in their home for a respite period so that you may be able to have time to think clearly about your future? Your children and their well being are their first priority. However with his level of illness and the degree of side effects from his medications, particularly the steroids, he needs to have another party be witness to his behavior. There is always a possiblity that a medication inventory can be adjusted and his symptoms of aggression may subside. Are there any kind of Hospice/Palliative Care Services in your area. Palliative Care offers pain management in order to improve quality of life.

August 4, 2013 - 2:43pm

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