November 21, 2010 - 9:03pm
I'm 22 and I'm depressed. I have been since I was 12. I am taking medications for it but it seems that the more outside stress I have, the more they stop working.
Well for starters every time I get into a new relationship I get more depressed and extremely insecure. I'm just insecure as it is I guess, but I don't know.. I'm afraid of telling people my feelings in relationships because they'll run away. My dad told me the other week to not be upset because my current bf will run away. I was insecure before but now I'm so insecure that I feel trapped in a corner and insignificant. I can't even tell him that talking about his ex gf bothers me, because I'm afraid he'll think i'm too drama queen-ish. I know some of his past sexual history and it also makes me feel insecure and "less than". I know I shouldn't feel this way but I am not too sure if its legitimate feelings anymore or just extreme insecurity.
I also just got laid off from a job I've had for a year and a half. It was my favorite job, I loved mostly everyone I worked with, and I took pride in the fact that I did a great job and my customers loved me. I worked really hard and got commended on it often from my managers. But the boss fired me on the spot when I was late 10 min, after letting them know I would be late because my other job had run later than I expected. Is this what I get after a year and a half of hard work???
I'm in debt right now too, about 3500 dollars. I just got another new job and it depresses me because I've talked to the ladies there and they say they barely make any ends meet. How am I supposed to survive? I'm moving out for the first time in a week and a half. I don't have any money because I was depending on my tip money from my restaurant job to carry me through the move (but I got fired). I'm stressed out and tired, and I'm sad and lonely and feel absolutely hopeless and drained.
I'm trapped in a corner and I don't know how to get out - I feel beat down and like I can't rise up from my feelings. I feel trapped by my emotions, and the fact that I can't express them makes it worse.
My last boyfriend dumped me because my medications stopped working for me and I went through an extreme episode of feeling great and then feeling really low - as I was getting adjusted to my new meds. My last episode I told him I could tell this was the last bout of depression I was getting, but he ended it anyway and told me I was crazy beyond depression.
How do I tell people my feelings??? Can I tell people my feelings without having them run away?? I don't want to be a burden either. I don't know a healthy way of divulging my feelings in a manner where they won't feel I need taking care of 24/7. Also I just started dating this person like a month ago so it's probably too soon to be saying things, but these feelings inside of me are killing me.
I feel crazy and messed up and that he deserves better than to have a girlfriend that is so insecure and has so many issues in her life right now.
I tried talking to my dad about how I felt about my job and he told me that it was my fault because I was late, like I deserved to have that happen to me. After a year and a half, I feel betrayed by the company, and that's all he had to say was that it was my fault. I'm starting to feel hopeless with him as well; like I will never get a dad out of him, just someone who is negative and plays on all my faults and weaknesses. I just want a dad I can talk to. I want someone to comfort me and I don't have that at all right now. I just feel like curling up into a ball and disappearing. I know the right thing to do would be to press on through this, but I am pretty hopeless that things are going to get any better for me - I have a dead-end job, I'm moving out with said job that will only support my rent and car payments and bills (nothing else not even groceries), I can't express myself, and I'm alone in a city that's 45 minutes away from my boyfriend and all of my friends and family (which will change when i move). I'm stuck in a house with my dad who makes me feel like complete crap about myself. I have no one to turn to or talk to about these things because dad just makes me feel worse and more stressed out, and I'm quite sure that everyone else is fed up with my sadness.