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I need some real help ladies!! BF will masturbate to pics of me but no sex?!

By Jennifer Perez August 27, 2013 - 2:02pm

Hi, thank you in advance for reading my story. I have been with my boyfriend for a little over a year now. He has always had a lower sex drive than I. In the beginning we only had sex maybe 2-4 times a week and being in my mid-20's and sustaining a very healthy libido, that was abnormal for me(he's 32). Every new relationship I've ever had consisted of sex 2-4 times a day in the beginning weeks and months. So I have gone sexually unsatisfied from day one. However, we are together for many other reasons that surpass our sex life, but it has ALWAYS been an underlying issue and sometimes not so underlying.

Of course, as you could imagine, our sex life has only dwindled down to practically nothing at this point. I couldn't possibly count the times he has rejected me for sex, however, I CAN count all the times he's ever initiated sex and can count them on one hand. I have brought it up several times the past year in the most non-threatning tone I could to avoid him feeling attacked and shutting down on me but we never really get anywhere. Sometimes I just break down in tears from the overwhelming lack of desire I'm feeling. One time he told me he didn't think our sex life was lacking, another time he told me he just doesn't need as much as I do, multiple times he's said that he masturbates a lot (he even stopped masturabating for almost a month to help our sexual setback but there was still no change), and one time in a really heated arguement he blamed his lack of sexual desire on the fact that he was no longer attracted to me, but quickly retracted that statement, he said it to be hurtful in the heat of the moment.

I had to leave the state for 3 months and I needed that time to reconsider our relationship. During that time I reconnected with an old boyfriend and one thing led to another and we slept together. Initially, it was a strange feeling that overcame me before anything even happened and then I put my finger on it. I completely forgot what it was like to have a man WANT me! I lost touch with the feeling of being desired and someone wanting to be intimate with me. Afterwards, I realized how much I just needed that. Reason one, was that it reset my standards and expectation in a lover. I have compromised my sexuality almost 100% for the sake of my relationship and I cannot and will not do that anymore. Reason two, it made me realize there really is nothing wrong with me, I am desired and I am sexy and should still feel that way.

Over the course of those 3 months he pleaded the fact that hes still crazy about me and would do whatever it took to make it work (we've had a couple other minor issues within our relationship) so I got on board with that. The entire time we were apart, he would beg me to skype with him in the nude cause he enjoyed getting off to seeing me naked. We had a few picture exchanges, he said he couldn't wait to be with me again (phsyically) and I finally felt like he was having a breakthrough. I thought whatever was keeping his sexuality stagnant would no longer be an issue now that we've spent this time apart. Well, you can imagine how euphoric that moment would be if you were seeing your lover, your best friend for the first time in months- it sets you right back in that honeymoon phase so I anticipated the sex being mind-blowing and frequent for a little while. Well, it has been 2 weeks since we've reunited and we've only had sex one time. He's rejected me 4 times. He's so great in everyway but I just do not know what to do. I am sexual. Very sexual. I crave intimacy and heat and passion and I've never had a problem finding that within other relationships so I have no idea how to deal with this.

He masturbates like twice a day everyday and mostly to pictures of ME so I am absolutely, 100% dumbfounded with this whole situation. I have concluded he has some deep-rooted issues with intimacy. Our sex has never been romantic, or exciting or unpredictable, hes never been able to express what he feels for me with his sexuality... this makes me crazy. I want to help him. I dont know what to do to pull him out of this but I need to or else he will lose me eventually because I NEED the passion! Not all the time but give me a glimmer of hope that its there somewhere, you know?? He's an incredible person, a loyal friend and a faithful, committed boyfriend who would go above and beyond to protect our relationship. But I can't stay in a sexless, passion-less, sexually-starved relationship. I have suppressed my sexual appetite and compromised my standards for over a year now and I am losing it! Any advice you could give me would be so deeply, appreciated. I have tried reading articles, books, but none of the information caters to my specific situation.

Thank you,

Desperate

By Jenny Housh HERWriter Guide August 29, 2013 - 1:06pm

Hi Jennifer,

You do seem to be in a pretty unique situation. 
It sounds like there is an underlying cause for his lack of intimacy. Is there a chance he may struggle with his image? It could be possible that he does enjoy sex, but is conscious when it comes to being close to someone.   

I do think that you need to sit down with him and talk about your concerns in a calm, solution-solving way. Go into the conversation with ideas on how to compromise instead of looking for problems. It sounds like you are giving up a lot and not getting much in return. Intimacy is a large part of a relationship, there needs to be some give from his side of the relationship. Make sure you are clear about what you want and what you need and go from there. 

You need to make sure that whatever the outcome of the conversation is, you both are happy with it. Without this, the situation will just keep coming up. 

 

Hope this helps! Good luck!

August 29, 2013 - 1:06pm
By Jenny Housh HERWriter Guide August 29, 2013 - 1:06pm

Hi Jennifer,

You do seem to be in a pretty unique situation. 
It sounds like there is an underlying cause for his lack of intimacy. Is there a chance he may struggle with his image? It could be possible that he does enjoy sex, but is conscious when it comes to being close to someone.   

I do think that you need to sit down with him and talk about your concerns in a calm, solution-solving way. Go into the conversation with ideas on how to compromise instead of looking for problems. It sounds like you are giving up a lot and not getting much in return. Intimacy is a large part of a relationship, there needs to be some give from his side of the relationship. Make sure you are clear about what you want and what you need and go from there. 

You need to make sure that whatever the outcome of the conversation is, you both are happy with it. Without this, the situation will just keep coming up. 

 

Hope this helps! Good luck!

August 29, 2013 - 1:06pm