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My bf of seven years won't have sex with me

By April 2, 2013 - 5:24am

I'm 27 and my bf and I have been together now for 7 years. We have dogs, a business, and a house. So we consider ourselves married. About a year ago
Sex slowed down. And now we are probably at the once a month point at best. I've gotten to the point where I ask for it blatantly but he still turns me down. The only time it happens is when he initiates it. And even then I can tell he's not into it. Now recently he told me that he just can't get excited anymore with me. I've told him I'm up for anything to keep things excited but he always says "it's not you, it's me". Out relationship other than this is great. We have a lot of fun together. This is probably why this breaks my heart. And I know he has sex drive because I've seen the porn he looks at on the computer and he admits to jerking off every time he showers. He does suffer from some depression but I don't understand why that would make him not want me. It's so frustrating and humiliating that I can't fill his needs. We've talked about it quite a few times and its mostly him saying he feels bad but that doesn't fix anything. I need some advise or comfort, I don't have anyone else to talk about this with

By April 6, 2013 - 7:35pm

Glad you got to talk. :) It helps me to know I'm not the only one dealing with this too.

April 6, 2013 - 7:35pm
By April 6, 2013 - 12:34pm

Sheasix2004 thank you. Your story sounds almost exactly like mine. He's the same with work and bills. It so nice to relate to someone else. We actually and a great talk last night and let everything out. It was really good and I hope for the change to happen. Money is one of the big stresses in our lives since we run a business together it's also tough. But I think communication is key, even if its not a pleasant subject. He's not the most affectionate person and I need it. And being a woman that gets no sexual attention is really hard on the self esteem. I told him that. I told him I need to feel sexy and attractive to him. Girls really don't need much, just say that I look good. And we do need to have more time focused on eachother. Date nights and just making plans to be together.
I'm really glad you wrote me. Thank you again.

April 6, 2013 - 12:34pm
By April 5, 2013 - 10:17am

Hi Ecom
I'm kind of in the same boat only add a 1 year old to the mix and we haven't had sex at all since I was 4 months pregnant. We have fun together playing with our daughter but right now it's like having a really nice room mate who pays the bill's. We love each other but it is really hard to FEEL loved when he doesn't want me physically. We're still working on it but we have pinpointed some of our problems.
Stress and exhaustion on his part is a big one- he works 80+ hours a week and sleeps maybe 5 hours a night and he still worries about paying he bills. When life is too busy we spend almost no time focused on each other. We don't spend time just being a couple- dating, flirting etc. We quit doing all the things that drew us together in the first place.
Jerking off in the shower takes a lot less time and effort so sure the equipment still works but if you can't get your brain in the right space and are just too tired to make the effort it doesn't really translate to great sex.
If he always watches porn and jerks off he may have inadvertently conditioned himself to need that type of stimulation to be aroused or to finish. (No i'm not anti-porn or against masturbation but it can create some unrealistic expectations and I would suggest that if it's not helping your sex life and if it's always done solo it could be part of the problem)
Depression could definitely be putting a damper on his desire.
We sucked at communication- i am a prude when it comes to talking about sex and I get overly emotional about things, take every criticism as an attack . He's introverted and I'm extroverted so I need to talk things out to figure out a solution to a problem where he likes to be left alone to think things out then just tell me what the answer is. He hates social stuff and I feel drained and restless if I'm stuck home alone for too long. I feel most loved if he spends time with me and holds me, I love to be touched, he can barely stand it unless it's for sex, he think's he's being loving by paying the bills giving me time to myself and picking up healthy food at the grocery store for me . We spent more time trying to make the other person see our point than really listening.
Lack of physical contact doesn't do much for oxytocin levels either.
I never pursued him or tried to initiate sex or find out and do the things that turned him on. (Not saying we never had great sex) but I left him feeling unwanted and unappreciated.
I could go on but I guess my point is that there are probably a lot of things contributing to his lack of desire and even if it is primarily his issue and he just wants to ignore it and hope it gets better there are probably still steps you can take to improve yourself and seeing positive change in you may motivate him to deal with his side of the issues. There are a lot of books and podcasts on sex and relationships that I found helpful. I wouldn't stop trying to talk about it either- he could be having a hard time pinning down the actual cause himself, maybe he is embarrassed about it or afraid he'll hurt your feelings. It's taken us a long time and we still have a long way to go but it can get better. :)

April 5, 2013 - 10:17am
By HERWriter Guide April 4, 2013 - 10:31am

Hi Ecom

Thanks for your post and I'm sorry that this is going on with your relationship.

Maybe it is him - not you. But if he's masturbating daily and watching porn, it's clear his sex drive is still alive and kicking but for some reason, he is not connecting with you on that level anymore so perhaps his feelings towards you remain close, warm, fun and kind but not sexual anymore. This happens in many relationships but what you need is a really honest answer from him.

It isn't right that you are asking for sex, always getting turned down and then not getting honest answers. If he romantic feelings for you have changed it's not anyone's fault; it's just how things are. But you deserve to know, as painful as it may be.

There could, of course, be other reasons for your relationship changing so much, but you won't know unless he's honest with you.



April 4, 2013 - 10:31am

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