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When to say when.. common-law relationships... Join this Group

Marriage.. it's on the table, but it's not....

By January 21, 2012 - 8:30am

I've been in this relationship for 4 years. Between us we have 5 kids... He had 3 and I had one and together we have 1...
The talk of marriage has come up, more so recently.. He says, "oh yeah, I want to marry you, I don't want a big wedding".. What's a big wedding I say... He just wants us.. I want the kids to be there to which he agreed. I want my parents and my sisters and brothers to come.. he started to get put out by this.. he said "ok".. He has just one brother and his mother. His father passed away. And he has one set of grandparents. I have 4 sisters adn 3 brothers. My dad, and step-mother. I also have 3 very dear to me friends who have been there through thick and thin with me. He doesn't want them or any of his friends invited... His first wedding consisted of him, his bride and their parents.. not even their friends or siblings.
So fast forward to last night. During a "date night" out dinner the wedding talk comes up. I said why won't you compromise. I just want my friends there.. It's not like you're paying for it all yourself. He scoffed and said "oooook".. then it's going to go from a few friends to 100 people. and if you invite them then I don't want to get married to you! I said I'll just leave he said go. I said I was fine before. More scoffing. He said you were "ok".. you were NOT fine. You were struggling. I wanted to burst out crying right there on the spot.. How could he throw my financial struggles in my face because he has helped me??
Now I am not sure I want to go through with this marriage or this relationship....

By January 21, 2012 - 4:33pm

Hi Jacism,

I'm sorry that you had your finances thrown in your face-- However, it also sounds like this was a conversation that went sour fast. There are times when I think saying "I'll just leave" is the first thing that you think--but it doesn't necessarily mean you should say it. Just as it hurt you when he said that you were struggling before you met him, I'm sure he was also hurt by how easily you said "I'll just leave". Don't get me wrong-- you were not the only one wrong here, he opened the door by saying that he wouldn't marry you if you were the type of person who would want 100 guests at her wedding but sometimes it's best to pick your battles. Wait until you are having a good day with him and tell him something like "There is nothing more that I want than to blend our families together with marriage once and for all-- I don't want 100 guests, I don't even want 20. All I ask is that you please re-consider having our immediate family. You, me, the kids, and our parents and siblings" I think this shows that you have compromised by not inviting your friends and if he agrees then he would compromise since he just wanted it to be the two of you.

Sometimes you have to give a little to get a little back and I think that if you went about it this way, you will find that he realizes you are in fact the woman he wants to marry. And hey-- he might even let you invite a friend or two :)

Best Wishes to you and your husband to be,


January 21, 2012 - 4:33pm
EmpowHER Guest
By Anonymous January 21, 2012 - 11:17am

Hi jacisim,

Welcome to EmpowHER.  Sorry to hear all this you are going through. I think you should do some thinking about the marriage.  It might be good to set a budget and stick to it.  He should also be more flexible as to inviting your family and closes friends to the wedding.  Thanks for sharing your story, am sure it will help many going through relationship trouble and here you will find answers and support.



January 21, 2012 - 11:17am

Group Leader


Living in a common-law relationship, talk of marriage comes up or doesn't. When is it time to say "p*ss or get off the pot"


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