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Playing with roles is not as uncommon as you might think. If you look into literature about it, you will find that this type of "play" in the bedroom can run the gamut from mild to extreme, from vanilla to dark chocolate. You don't need whips, chains, cocoa and cream pie, (although those things are nice), in fact a simply "I love you, Daddy" can be such a turn on that clothes and identities and labels can come flying off lickety split.
Many women are shy about role playing, seeing it not as a playful, creative type of freedom but more as a trap or a box. In the best relationships, nothing could be further from the truth. You are, when engaged in role playing with a respectful and sweet partner actually much freer than you are in other sexual circumstances. The high powered corporate type A person, driven all day with time lines and deadlines can unwind in a hot bath, having his hair washed by his adorable "babysitter" can finally completely relax, let down his guard, and enjoy the intimacy he so needs and craves. Or the responsible mother can be a child herself for a few hours, hop into the arms of her loving partner and release the day's responsibilities.
One friend of mine has an outfit for every day of the week. It's Halloween and Christmas and New Year's all the time, (except, of course when she doesn't feel like it and ends up naked or in sweats) and this, she tells me, helps her release her sexual anxiety and fear. She says that no matter how long she has been with her partner, whom she trusts entirely, there is still pressure left over from old fears about her body measuring up, her own insecurities, her past experiences which were less than stellar.
When she dresses up, she feels liberated, as though she is an actress and can express things she normally wouldn't feel comfortable expressing. She can scream, moan, laugh, talk dirty, act somewhat wild, within the limits that they both feel are appropriate, and this gives her a great sense of power, freedom and control in her own sexual experience.
While role playing may not be for everyone, certain aspects of it are bound to creep into any relationship. Sharing and exchanging levels of taking care of one another always has some aspect of childhood in it, some aspect of parenting in it. We all want to both nurture and be nurtured by our partners, and the absence of this can lead to a great deal of frustration, a sense of pain and rejection and even resentment. By giving free reign to some of these more deeply felt needs and acknowledging how good it feels when our more hidden places are touched emotionally, physically, psychologically and sexually, we can begin to round out our experiences of being human, being in relationship and being entirely involved with our whole selves as we explore in the bedroom.
Aimee Boyle is a freelance writer and special education teacher who lives on the beautiful shoreline of CT with her lovely family.
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