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Is Your Male Partner Withholding Physical Affection or Sex? Helpful Advice From Women

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Is Your Male Partner Withholding Physical Affection or Sex? Helpful Advice From Women 5 5 5
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“I'm sick of myself for allowing him to hold my happiness in his hands by deciding when we're allowed to have sex. I feel rejected and ever-plummeting confidence.” If this statement sounds familiar, you are not alone. Many women report their current relationship as going through a sexual slump, and are baffled, asking, “Why won't he have sex with me?!”

How to Begin the Conversation, Communication Tips:

  • Don't talk to him about sex because that's far less important than asking him if he actually wants to be in this relationship.
  • The best approach depends on what the cause of his not wanting sex. He needs to be able to communicate his feelings and concerns.
  • Give him the "space" to let you know what he's thinking. "Space" means no guilt trips, listening without judgment, no interrupting, etc.
  • Talk about it together: what are you noticing different from when you two were having sex?
  • Are you both able and interested in meeting each other's needs (sexual and non-sexual)?
  • Ask him: "why aren't we having sex anymore"? This is an open-ended question where he can't answer yes/no and just leave it. He doesn't need to be pushed in a corner or made uncomfortable but your concerns have to be addressed or the relationship will (should) end.

Medical, Physical and Emotional Conditions:

  • Depression can do more than affect your sex dive -- it can effectively kill it. People who are depressed lose interest in things they love -- including sex.
  • Low libido in men (low sex drive is related to emotional distress, depressive disorders, weakness, pain, problems with body image).
  • Porn “addiction” or preoccupation.
  • Diabetic or other medical condition.
  • New job occupying his mind and is excessively stressed.
  • Worried about satisfying me to such an extent that he no longer wants to try.
  • Smoking and other drugs were more exciting and fulfilling.
  • He's a very emotional guy and his anxiety and stress gets in the way of wanting to be intimate.

Add a Comment12 Comments

EmpowHER Guest

When I decided after 25 years of marriage that we were going to become a "cuckold" couple, my husband balked at the idea. Since I began enacting this, which is my right as a strong independent woman, my husband began refusing to sleep with me despite my telling him I would divorce him and blackball him in custody court. All I want is to make him get with the program, and fulfill my needs as a woman. What is the best way for me to explain to him that he owes me this?

January 1, 2016 - 11:01pm
EmpowHER Guest

As much as I hate to sound like "one of those guys" I really would like to point out that if the genders were reversed in this situation, a lot of the sense of entitlement to somebody else's body and aadvice given would be considered offensive and oppressive.

Seriously; go back and read the article again, imagining the genders were reversed. Also, how quickly it suggests that when a man does not desire sex with his SO for any period of time, that something is physically, mentally or emotionally wrong with him is something I really don't think would be considered an acceptable POV in a situation where it was the woman withholding sex from the man in the relationship. How would the owners of this website react to an article suggesting men corner women with questions that demand direct answers and threaten to end a realtionship if the woman does not have sexual relations with them?

I support equality as much as the next man, but this article does not come from a position of equality but rather one of counterdominance. That does not make for a healthy relationship.

January 1, 2016 - 10:56pm
EmpowHER Guest

My boyfriend and I were having sex almost every night. I loved dressing up for him and even watched port with him. He would dote on me, tell me how beautiful I was and looked at me like I was the only woman in the world.
Now for a year and a half he has barely touched me. I asked him why and all he says it that things change but won't explain further. I also found him sense then on date sites, ordering women from back page and asking Co workers to send him Crack whores.
He also has been extremely aggressive towards me and abusive. Calls me old, and tells me to get away from him. Even when I try to kiss him he gives me dirty looks. Recently he told me that I smother him. I get confused cause he is at school from 5am to sometimes 10pm daily. How could I possibly be smothering him.
I spend all my time home alone, I do absolutely everything for him, now even supporting him financially while he goes to school and feel as if I am no use to him, feel old and worthless and very lonely. . I miss what we had not very long ago, don't know why it has changed and at times want to just give up leave or just flat out and die...

December 13, 2015 - 10:06pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Please get out now. He is a jerk and you cannot change him. It is easy to find a suitable love in a short amount of time. You are very unhappy and ar not getting any love. Beinging alone for a a short time is better than being with a man that is not willing to give you the love you need. Just remember that you get to take the good part or the relationship with you when you leave.......your loving self. Love yourself enough to get out. Get another apartment without telling him and leave while he is gone. You are not loosing anything by leaving him and you will never find the happy love of your life while you wast your youth on Mr. Shithead.

December 14, 2015 - 3:39pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)


just imagine if a wife or gf does this. then you wont tell she is a jerk. you will answer in a smooth way. you will suggest to talk to her nicely and dont hurt her blah blah blah. but why you are so rude at men. moreover in the given case did you ask her whether she touched her man frequently.

women also wanr to man to touch all over their bodies and put all the efforts. but will you do the same. even man has sensation. even he wants to be touched and caressed.

understand its not one way game.

she tried to kiss but he gave bad looks. but actually she kissed to get him to touch all her body and to be caressed. i know these idiotic nature of women. who touches his body and caress

January 4, 2016 - 2:50am
EmpowHER Guest

My wife's continual rejection in the beginning of our marriage caused my arousal to give up. I am now permanently unable to "perform." Psychologically, over ten thousand rejections will create a problem.

I have to ask: Why is this always about women? Men are told we are "too" sexual and to get a prostitute (at least that's what my wife told me in our first year of marriage). And now, when women are ready for action, men are confused and damaged!

November 10, 2015 - 9:28am
EmpowHER Guest

I have been dealing with this. I was in a 4 year relationship with a guy who I knew loved me and lord knows I still love him, but it has currently been almost a year since I started noticing that he never wanted to have sex. We have discussed it and had conversations about it and I've told him how it makes me feel unloved and unattractive and unwanted. After pointing that out to him he said he was sorry and would like to work on that. Well we have been intimate once in the last 10 months. I have realized after going so long without it I no longer want to. I don't even want to be touched. This man has been my best friend for the last four years and it so hard to think of my life without him, but at this point we are just friends. We ended our relationship yesterday....well I guess I ended it is the right way to say that. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but I have to think about my own health and peace of mind. I have been laying here in bed thinking about everything we did over the last four years and can't help but think I just lost my best friend and it hurts more than I can explain.

October 14, 2015 - 10:39am
EmpowHER Guest

my husband of 3years will not have sex with me because he says he doesn't want to get me pregnant even when we use condoms, if we have sex once in a while. Another excuse is that he says he has a lot on his mind. I am tired of asking. But I am getting impatient and tempted to do what I don't want to do.

October 4, 2015 - 4:21am
EmpowHER Guest

I am a 42 yr old female , I have been in my relationship with my man now fir 2 yrs and 6 months . I love him very much ! I to am going through this in our relationship , he just never wants to be intimate , I want it a lot more then him. We have talked about this and the answers I got from him were nor satisfying to me but I some what understood what he was saying . He told me that he's a little stressed about his job , he is exhausted when he gets home and it has nothing to do with me or my looks . He said he loves me but just never feels like being sexual plus he takes a medication that plays a roll in his wanting it . I am having a hard time with this being the only hurtful thing in our relationship , I have thought about cheating , I have thought about leaving . I am now seeing a counselor and I'm working on me , I began to feel uncomfortable, unloved , unattractive and my self esteem and my attitude was changing and i didn't like how I felt sad and unhappy all the time . Counseling is helping me ! I did realize that me asking for sex from him often makes him angry and i felt like I was pushing him away so now I try my hardest to just not ask . I do take care of my sexual needs by myself now when I get overly frustrated from wanting it and not getting it . It seriously does hurt the relationship . Now I'm working on me , I'm working out and I'm painting again , trying to find things to keep me busy and happy is helping and i feel better and feel better about myself as well . I do still feel like I'm unsure if this will be my future long term love of my life or just my best friend . I truly love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him , but I want to be happy and content in every way . Only time will tell because I deserve to be loved and desired and happy . My best advice on this is just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean that they don't love you . But feeling loved , appreciated and having someone give you there all is important and if you are not happy , talk , get answers , try counseling or get out . Because we all deserve to be happy and be with someone who is going to show us they love us in every way and I want nothing less . Good luck to all . Thanks , Tabitha

May 4, 2015 - 4:00am
EmpowHER Guest

I went away for more than a week and i was hoping he'd be wanting me but he hasnt touched me yet and ive come back close to 2 weeks now. He just doesn't care

February 27, 2015 - 11:18pm
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We value and respect our HERWriters' experiences, but everyone is different. Many of our writers are speaking from personal experience, and what's worked for them may not work for you. Their articles are not a substitute for medical advice, although we hope you can gain knowledge from their insight.

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