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Is Your Male Partner Withholding Physical Affection or Sex? Helpful Advice From Women

 
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“I'm sick of myself for allowing him to hold my happiness in his hands by deciding when we're allowed to have sex. I feel rejected and ever-plummeting confidence.” If this statement sounds familiar, you are not alone. Many women report their current relationship as going through a sexual slump, and are baffled, asking, “Why won't he have sex with me?!”

How to Begin the Conversation, Communication Tips:

  • Don't talk to him about sex because that's far less important than asking him if he actually wants to be in this relationship.
  • The best approach depends on what the cause of his not wanting sex. He needs to be able to communicate his feelings and concerns.
  • Give him the "space" to let you know what he's thinking. "Space" means no guilt trips, listening without judgment, no interrupting, etc.
  • Talk about it together: what are you noticing different from when you two were having sex?
  • Are you both able and interested in meeting each other's needs (sexual and non-sexual)?
  • Ask him: "why aren't we having sex anymore"? This is an open-ended question where he can't answer yes/no and just leave it. He doesn't need to be pushed in a corner or made uncomfortable but your concerns have to be addressed or the relationship will (should) end.

Medical, Physical and Emotional Conditions:

  • Depression can do more than affect your sex dive -- it can effectively kill it. People who are depressed lose interest in things they love -- including sex.
  • Low libido in men (low sex drive is related to emotional distress, depressive disorders, weakness, pain, problems with body image).
  • Porn “addiction” or preoccupation.
  • Diabetic or other medical condition.
  • New job occupying his mind and is excessively stressed.
  • Worried about satisfying me to such an extent that he no longer wants to try.
  • Smoking and other drugs were more exciting and fulfilling.
  • He's a very emotional guy and his anxiety and stress gets in the way of wanting to be intimate.

Add a Comment19 Comments

EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

You'll have to excuse me if I don't shed a tear for all you "poor women" who are being so disrespected by her mate withholding affection/sex as some sort of manipulation tool. I mean, isn't this EXACTLY WHAT WOMEN HAVE DONE FOR DECADES TO THEIR HUSBANDS?

Seriously, I always love seeing these stories where something is a serious problem when it's a woman suffering because a man is doing something that women have done to men for generations. It's the same thing on rare occasions when women have to pay alimony after a divorce... it all becomes some egregious affront to humanity when it's a woman suffering, nevermind that men have dealt with the same BS for as long as anyone can remember.

That aside, I've been the guy withholding sex in more than one relationship in the past, and TBH, the reason was ALWAYS-- EVERY SINGLE TIME-- that she demanded to be pleased (which obviously I succeeded at since they were the ones pawing at me, not the other way around) while she did NOTHING to please me. Obviously, this makes a guy feel infuriatingly disrespected-- she got physical pleasure, got to feel intimately and passionately desired, and got emotional fulfillment (which I actually enjoy giving), but I got to do all the work while being neglected, overlooked, and for the most part went completely unfulfilled by a minimal, robotic, and hollow effort that was completely devoid of any sort of passion on their part... sorry, but just being a set of body parts to look at and play with along with holes to stick things in isn't enough to keep him truly happy, ladies.

So communicate with her, you say? Yeah, I tried that... they (i.e. MULTIPLE WOMEN from MULTIPLE RELATIONSHIPS) just fought tooth-and-nail to justify why they shouldn't have to put in more than that often not even remotely satisfying job they did... so that doesn't work. And that's all besides the fact that him telling the woman he's with that she's doing a crappy job just makes him feel like he's whining and begging to be pleased (not to mention feeling like a jerk), which no man wants to do. What's more, there's always the thought in the back of his head that if she does improve after he points it out that he's not happy and has started pulling away from her (i.e. the point where it's stopped being fun and worthwhile for him and has become more thankless work for him to do just for her default existence in his life), that she's only improving because she wants to keep the status of the relationship, or keep getting the pleasure he's been giving, not because she genuinely wants to please him and make him happy.

And you women all wonder why decent men (or at least those with a spine) have disappeared and/or don't want to court you, commit to you, or want you for anything more than pump-and-dump (and TBH, most good men don't even want you for that anymore... it's just not worth the effort for essentially the same thing he gets from masturbation-- i.e. a physical release with no emotional fulfillment)? Really?

Just to put this into perspective, I'm personally to the point now where even if I see a woman that most would consider extremely beautiful (for example, the models on Victoria's Secret commercials), all I can think about is how much of a selfish bitch she'd be when it comes to sex... and end up not feeling even passing attraction whatsoever anymore. Take that concept, and consider how I'm gonna feel about a normal, every-day, average woman... yeah.

One last sidenote just for good measure: Lingerie... LOL... what a joke... he gets to look at you all done up and put together for, what, 20-30 seconds... maybe a few minutes at most, before being demanded to snap into "please the woman mode" for a half-hour plus (usually more) while getting the same half-assed effort from you in the end? Sorry, that's a total cop-out, and you're just trying to short-cut it. Slapping on lingerie while still not putting quality effort into what you're doing to please him is like putting extra icing on a cake that's dry and tasteless. It's like putting parsley on a plate next to a steak that's not seasoned or properly prepared and has no sides, drink or dessert to go with it.

Just to make this clear, it's not your physical appearance that's the problem... it's the overall experience and lack of quality performance that you're bringing that's the problem... you can't just substitute lingerie/makeup/etc. for warmth, passion, attentiveness, and selflessly giving pleasure through proactive expressive physical contact (i.e. showing desire through action taken directly with him).

May 3, 2016 - 11:37pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

I wrote earlier about the problems in my relationship. Sense then I was forced to leave. My boyfriend of 4 years went farther then just abandon me in the bedroom. I was so caught up with not having any affection that I didnt notice that he was slowly pushing me out of his life even going as far as lying to his school mates & brother he had not seen for 5 years. None of them know who I am or that I was supporting him. On Christmas eve his brother invited a women for my boyfriend to date to dinner, I was not invited to dinner because his brother did not know I even existed. When I found out about it later that night we began to fight he called the police and said I was crazy and tried to hit him, I was forced out of the home that is in my name including the utilities, everything that I own is still there & because we had just moved there from out of state I had to go back to Arizona after not being there for over a year I did not have a place to stay and I still don't. This happened 1 month ago. He now has slept with 4 women that I know of in my bed that is still in my apartment and he brags about it daily on My space, Pof, Facebook & ashley Madison. So clearly my relationship had more problems then just intimacy I was just in love with him and blinded to the realization of what it really was.
But I have been left feeling un waanted, worthless, lonely & un loved on top of him holding my property threatening to throw it away if I try to come back & dealing with not having anywhere to live. I just keep telling myself some good has to come out of this I'm just waiting for the day it does.

February 12, 2016 - 4:20pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

When I decided after 25 years of marriage that we were going to become a "cuckold" couple, my husband balked at the idea. Since I began enacting this, which is my right as a strong independent woman, my husband began refusing to sleep with me despite my telling him I would divorce him and blackball him in custody court. All I want is to make him get with the program, and fulfill my needs as a woman. What is the best way for me to explain to him that he owes me this?

January 1, 2016 - 11:01pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

When YOU decided to become a cuckold couple and he bailed at the idea when YOU told him?
So in other words he wanted a monogamous relationship and you didn't. You went ahead with it and now you wonder why he stopped having sex with you? Let me explain- you cheated on him and he doesn't want to catch anything, is that clear enough or is your arrogance getting in the way?
Now your demanding him accept your cheating or you'll divorce and take his children away. You pathetic, miserable excuse for a subhuman. I can tell you're american which is a shame as everyone over there is as moronic as you. Your husband deserves far better.

March 19, 2016 - 11:25pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Are you a men's rights activist or a troll? Is there a difference?

February 12, 2016 - 2:27pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

As much as I hate to sound like "one of those guys" I really would like to point out that if the genders were reversed in this situation, a lot of the sense of entitlement to somebody else's body and aadvice given would be considered offensive and oppressive.

Seriously; go back and read the article again, imagining the genders were reversed. Also, how quickly it suggests that when a man does not desire sex with his SO for any period of time, that something is physically, mentally or emotionally wrong with him is something I really don't think would be considered an acceptable POV in a situation where it was the woman withholding sex from the man in the relationship. How would the owners of this website react to an article suggesting men corner women with questions that demand direct answers and threaten to end a realtionship if the woman does not have sexual relations with them?

I support equality as much as the next man, but this article does not come from a position of equality but rather one of counterdominance. That does not make for a healthy relationship.

January 1, 2016 - 10:56pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

I see what you're saying, but the article doesn't need to be read that way. If your partner is consistently not interested in having sex with you, there probably is a problem with the relationship. If my partner (female) never wanted sex with me I would be pretty concerned.

February 12, 2016 - 2:23pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

My boyfriend and I were having sex almost every night. I loved dressing up for him and even watched port with him. He would dote on me, tell me how beautiful I was and looked at me like I was the only woman in the world.
Now for a year and a half he has barely touched me. I asked him why and all he says it that things change but won't explain further. I also found him sense then on date sites, ordering women from back page and asking Co workers to send him Crack whores.
He also has been extremely aggressive towards me and abusive. Calls me old, and tells me to get away from him. Even when I try to kiss him he gives me dirty looks. Recently he told me that I smother him. I get confused cause he is at school from 5am to sometimes 10pm daily. How could I possibly be smothering him.
I spend all my time home alone, I do absolutely everything for him, now even supporting him financially while he goes to school and feel as if I am no use to him, feel old and worthless and very lonely. . I miss what we had not very long ago, don't know why it has changed and at times want to just give up leave or just flat out and die...

December 13, 2015 - 10:06pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Please get out now. He is a jerk and you cannot change him. It is easy to find a suitable love in a short amount of time. You are very unhappy and ar not getting any love. Beinging alone for a a short time is better than being with a man that is not willing to give you the love you need. Just remember that you get to take the good part or the relationship with you when you leave.......your loving self. Love yourself enough to get out. Get another apartment without telling him and leave while he is gone. You are not loosing anything by leaving him and you will never find the happy love of your life while you wast your youth on Mr. Shithead.

December 14, 2015 - 3:39pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

I think, honestly, this is good advice to use any time if the male you are with won't comply with what you want.

February 14, 2016 - 5:37am
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