“I'm sick of myself for allowing him to hold my happiness in his hands by deciding when we're allowed to have sex. I feel rejected and ever-plummeting confidence.” If this statement sounds familiar, you are not alone. Many women report their current relationship as going through a sexual slump, and are baffled, asking, “Why won't he have sex with me?!”
How to Begin the Conversation, Communication Tips:
- Don't talk to him about sex because that's far less important than asking him if he actually wants to be in this relationship.
- The best approach depends on what the cause of his not wanting sex. He needs to be able to communicate his feelings and concerns.
- Give him the "space" to let you know what he's thinking. "Space" means no guilt trips, listening without judgment, no interrupting, etc.
- Talk about it together: what are you noticing different from when you two were having sex?
- Are you both able and interested in meeting each other's needs (sexual and non-sexual)?
- Ask him: "why aren't we having sex anymore"? This is an open-ended question where he can't answer yes/no and just leave it. He doesn't need to be pushed in a corner or made uncomfortable but your concerns have to be addressed or the relationship will (should) end.
Medical, Physical and Emotional Conditions:
- Depression can do more than affect your sex dive -- it can effectively kill it. People who are depressed lose interest in things they love -- including sex.
- Low libido in men (low sex drive is related to emotional distress, depressive disorders, weakness, pain, problems with body image).
- Porn “addiction” or preoccupation.
- Diabetic or other medical condition.
- New job occupying his mind and is excessively stressed.
- Worried about satisfying me to such an extent that he no longer wants to try.
- Smoking and other drugs were more exciting and fulfilling.
- He's a very emotional guy and his anxiety and stress gets in the way of wanting to be intimate.