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Best Responses From Men: Why Won't He Have Sex With Me?

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Why doesn't he want me sexually? Photo: Getty Images

Hundreds of women have shared details about their emotionally-strained and sex-starved relationships, and guess who answered.....men!

We compiled a list of "best responses" from men, hoping to shed some light on this difficult subject. Relationships are all unique, and we hope women use these responses as a guide when talking with their significant other.

Men Are Not Sex Objects:

  • Men have different emotions, too, and to put them in a narrow box, assuming they always want sex, or should always be easily excitable, is not fair. Men are not sex objects, just like women are not.
  • I find my girl attractive, we get along, but sometimes I just don't feel like having sex.
  • Sometimes us men just don't know what we should do. So now we both lay in bed and hope the other does something. This can go on for weeks. When we do have sex, I last three minutes when I used to last longer. Well, that just made things worse, and then I was afraid of doing it again. I know we should have more sex, but we put ourselves in this rut where it made us both unapproachable to each other.
  • I wish I could make it better so she is happier about herself and us. I don't cheat—that is way too much work to pull off on the side! Yes, many guys do, but as far as I know they are still having sex with their girlfriends.

Communication Downers:

  • If my girlfriend is insulting, critical...it kills the trust and makes sex feel hypocritical.
  • I am probably also sensitive in the fact that I never want to have sex if we have had a fight or even when there is lingering crap. To me I want it fixed between us before we get busy.
  • Believe it or not, I hate that we don't ever really talk about it. She just will complain or make snide comments (which does not help). I don't want to force myself to have sex (sounds weird coming from a guy).


  • I know it sounds absurd, but I am afraid of her getting pregnant even though we use protection.
  • Too many rules that I can not possibly live up to (in and outside the bedroom).

Add a Comment87 Comments

EmpowHER Guest

Like a lot of other women on her, I went thru the same things with my ex. But unlike a lot of posts, there were a lot more problems in my relationship. We were together three years before I found out he was seeing someone else. Keeping two women satisfied, or was she going without. I don't know. All I know is that for those first three years, I felt so loved, desired and wanted. But the life was a lie. After I found out about her, I was devastated. He asked for another chance, swore he would never hurt me again, and since I loved him so much I gave him that chance. Two months later, I find out he's texting a different woman wanting sex from her. He said it was a joke, didn't mean anything, they were friends. Ok. After I took him back, all I can think of is that the challenge was over. Our sex life declined. It should have been me, but it wasn't. I tried a lot of things. Body stockings, negligee, maid costumes, wigs, being myself, trying to kiss him, hug him. He would tell me he didn't want to kiss or hug if he wasn't feeling like he wanted sex. I was rejected over and over. The hurt of rejection is horrible. I would try to tell him that, and it would end up in a fight. He was very defensive always. He was on dating sites a lot. I caught him, but never saw where he had sent messages. He said it was fun to look. And porn was definitely a problem. I spent so many nights in bed lonely, crying, while he was on the computer. He was a truck driver. I thought he would be missing me and want me when he got off the road. But no. My trust with him was totally gone. The affair, the porn, dating sites, texts to another woman, not answering his phone when I called, all led to my distrust. But as pathetic as I am, I would still be with him if he had showed me affection and had sex with me. I always felt he was getting it somewhere else. This article did explain a lot though. I always felt his libido would pick up with someone new. I am a good woman, smart, beautiful, giving, everything. But I couldn't be bright, shiny and new to him. So now I'm bright, shiny and new to someone else. And the sex is great. For now.

September 3, 2017 - 10:27am
EmpowHER Guest

Turn this question around. Women need to explain why we should we want to have sex with them. It's not fun. It opens us up to manipulation. It's used to control us. It's a great way to get a disease. If we do it, you'll keep calling and texting us. You'll never go away. It's disgusting. You're a bitch. Do you need more reasons?

These days, relationships are all cost to men and zero benefit. It shouldn't be a surprise that we're rejecting you. Seriously, ask yourself what benefit you're bringing to "your guy". If you're honest, you'll realize there is absolutely none, and you just in it to use him. Get used to this -- it's the new normal.

June 19, 2017 - 12:13am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Well, I don't know what kind of experience you've had, but I admit I know a lot of bitch females. I know a lot of bitch-ass males, too. But, as a female, if' I'm cooking your dinner, picking up after you, washing and folding your clothes before I put them away (without complaining, because I love you) on the same day that I brought lunch to your job because I feel for you since you have to work an extra long shift ... I would think you would find some benefit there. But my boyfriend is NOT you (thank God), and so your explanation is plain bitterness. Please find someone who treats you well. Sounds like you need it.

July 20, 2017 - 9:55am
EmpowHER Guest

As a man, I seriously cannot imagine what it would be like to be with a woman who actually gave a fig about having sex. From my experience, women want sex to accomplish two goals: getting married and having kids. Once those two goals are met, there is no longer any need for sex. From that point on, sex becomes something a woman does to please the man, essentially, to keep him around. If the man had some kind of accident and lost his ability to have sex, there would be no real loss to the relationship from the woman’s point of view, simply because the woman never really cared about sex to begin with. I’m sure there are rare women out there who actually want sex and are truly interested in the subject, it has simply been my experience that such women are extremely few and far between.

June 11, 2017 - 2:16am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

This is untrue in alot of woman. I've been in a relationshipfor almost a year. I have not let myself go if anything I've done my best to keep up with myself so I'm more attractive. But my man will not have sex with me I just don't understand why
But I catch him doing and watching things online. Not just open but looking up girls on Facebook watching live feeds. I'm a sexual person. I want sex because it's amazing. But if I do get it which is not often it's terrible. I love him but I'm really thinking abnout leaving him be cause of this I can't take it anymore. I am staying loyal. This is starting to really bother me!

June 30, 2017 - 7:52am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

This is a real problem. It should bother you. Being rejected for online porn is as real as being rejected for another person.
Believe me, this will eat into your soul, and you will end up either horribly depressed, or break up.
I know this because I married a man who rejected me sexually as soon as we married. He appeared very keen on sex for the year we lived together, but sex ended 2 weeks before the wedding, and he never initiated it again.
Nothing I tried worked. He would never discuss it, always stone walled.
Quit while you are ahead. I have no idea what his problem is caused by, but it's like a cancer, and won't go away if he does nothing.
It's not up to you. Walk away before you are more deeply hurt.
Sex is a symptom. But like a symptom of cancer, ignoring it just lets it grow.
Hope this helps. Don't make my mistake and stay. Actions speak louder than words!

July 2, 2017 - 7:08am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

I am that far and few between, my kids are grown I have been with the same man for almost a year. I love the intimacy, I love having sex with him. People have an enormous amount of stress in there lives , to take 30 minutes or even 3 minutes to not think about problems and enjoy each other, is that to much instead I get, Well we will get to it and never do.

June 16, 2017 - 8:22am
EmpowHER Guest

Look...if you are not willing to have anal intercourse first, then vaginal intercourse is completely out of the question. Anal first, then vaginal sex. There is no other possible solution to satisfying your man.

May 22, 2017 - 7:31pm
EmpowHER Guest

Interesting, varied responses, but here's another point of view - sex is overrated, when you really look at life's bigger picture, far more important things and passions in the world. Furthermore, nobody owes anybody anything. Where and when did this 'entitlement' to sex originate? Men and women both should perhaps reexamine their own selfishness, find a hobby or something. Nobody should be such a slave to society's parameters, or even mother nature for that matter. Some of us avoid it altogether because we don't want to be dependent on anyone or anything for any of our happiness and needs, and as a result - no relationship troubles, no issues of who wants is when, no dealing with miscommunication and hurt. Learn to turn off this wildly out of control idea that we're 'owed' sexual satisfaction.

May 2, 2017 - 8:50am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

People are really looking for love.
Being sexually rejected, constantly when you are in bed with someone HURTS.
Nothing to do with sexual frustration (well, not totally by any means) it's about feeling lonely, unloved, unwanted and unattractive.
And that IS a big deal.

July 2, 2017 - 7:12am
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We value and respect our HERWriters' experiences, but everyone is different. Many of our writers are speaking from personal experience, and what's worked for them may not work for you. Their articles are not a substitute for medical advice, although we hope you can gain knowledge from their insight.

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