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Best Responses From Men: Why Won't He Have Sex With Me?

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Why doesn't he want me sexually? Photo: Getty Images

Hundreds of women have shared details about their emotionally-strained and sex-starved relationships, and guess who answered.....men!

We compiled a list of "best responses" from men, hoping to shed some light on this difficult subject. Relationships are all unique, and we hope women use these responses as a guide when talking with their significant other.

Men Are Not Sex Objects:

  • Men have different emotions, too, and to put them in a narrow box, assuming they always want sex, or should always be easily excitable, is not fair. Men are not sex objects, just like women are not.
  • I find my girl attractive, we get along, but sometimes I just don't feel like having sex.
  • Sometimes us men just don't know what we should do. So now we both lay in bed and hope the other does something. This can go on for weeks. When we do have sex, I last three minutes when I used to last longer. Well, that just made things worse, and then I was afraid of doing it again. I know we should have more sex, but we put ourselves in this rut where it made us both unapproachable to each other.
  • I wish I could make it better so she is happier about herself and us. I don't cheat—that is way too much work to pull off on the side! Yes, many guys do, but as far as I know they are still having sex with their girlfriends.

Communication Downers:

  • If my girlfriend is insulting, critical...it kills the trust and makes sex feel hypocritical.
  • I am probably also sensitive in the fact that I never want to have sex if we have had a fight or even when there is lingering crap. To me I want it fixed between us before we get busy.
  • Believe it or not, I hate that we don't ever really talk about it. She just will complain or make snide comments (which does not help). I don't want to force myself to have sex (sounds weird coming from a guy).


  • I know it sounds absurd, but I am afraid of her getting pregnant even though we use protection.
  • Too many rules that I can not possibly live up to (in and outside the bedroom).

Add a Comment75 Comments

EmpowHER Guest

My husband has changed so much lately. At first I thought it was depression but he seem perfectly fine most of the time, smiles, acts happy. Well as long as I'm not near him, when I give him any kind of affection he seems annoyed and often goes to the room to be on his own. We haven't had sex for about 2 weeks or so, I'm sure is longer than that. For some people this might seem normal but to us it isn't, we used to have sex at least once every week. Now he always comes up with excuses, I'm still wearing make up, and am clean. Also I've been going gym more often now, and had lost weight and became more toned, he even comment about it once, but it seems the more happy I am about myself the more miserable he becomes. I give him compliments about how he looks like and often tell him how much I like him and love him, he goes gym too. Most of the time I feel like I'm with a roomate or a friend or not even that at times, I mentioned this to him before as I don't think our relationship is at the greates stage at the moment, but he only chuckles or calls me drama queen, and acts like everything is fine and normal. Is so frustrating and it really hurts me, he makes me feel so unwanted or guilty like I've done something wrong, but I still don't know what. Any advice, anyone? please.

April 13, 2017 - 1:20pm
EmpowHER Guest

I think my husband has never been interest in sex with me. We've been married almost 50 years and sex has been an effort for him. I would guess we've had sex maybe a half dozen times in all these years. I don't know what the problem has been, he's been to doctors and shrinks and nothing never changed. He isn't gay or have some one on the side, his current shrink thinks he is asexual where he doesn't like sex with any one and thinks of me as an uninteresting person, plus the fact he has no friends a all. He likes being alone, and doesn't interact well with people, let alone strangers. Unfortunately Im the one who stayed by him while all this fall out was going on. I should have moved on but now to old to care any more.

June 22, 2016 - 3:29pm
EmpowHER Guest

I think the Past, Present, and Future comments are probably the most relevant, and there is even a name for the type of sentiments expressed here. That would be the “Coolidge effect”. Basically, males get over the initial excitement of the honeymoon phase relatively quickly, and then the longer and longer a man is with the same woman, the less and less desire he typically feels for her, until eventually he may become sexually indifferent towards her. It might take weeks, months or years for a man to lose the passion, but it’s usually not a question of if so much as when. But if that same man were to be put with a new woman, his libido would be rejuvenated (at least temporarily - he will likely lose the passion for her over time as well). And this behavior has even been observed in the males of non-human species, suggesting this is an innate function of biology rather than human social conditioning.

Despite all the stereotypes about men being insatiable, it would seem far more likely that the male libido simply is not sustainable over the long term, especially not with the same woman over and over again. Even if a man does continue to have sex regularly with the same woman over months or years, the intensity level for him will probably diminish steadily to the point of being negligible, that is, he might continue to “go through the motions” with her but he won’t see fireworks and feel the earth move like he once did, and therefore he will be less and less motivated as time goes on. This is not necessarily a reflection of the woman’s desirability nearly so much as it is the man’s own sexual ennui and unrest. She could be the most beautiful woman on the face of the earth and he could still lose sexual interest in her.

The Coolidge effect seems to be much more pronounced in males than in females. In women the oxytocin hormone appears to play a larger role, causing a woman who is intimate with a man to strongly bond with him and desire him. So basically as a couple in a long term relationship has more and more intimacy over time, the woman tends to bond ever more intensely with the man even as his desire for her is continually waning, at least at the sexual level. He might continue to love her at the emotional level but he finds that he no longer perceives her as a sexual being.

Females tend to have many misconceptions about the male libido because of myths, stereotypes, and their own incorrect assumptions and perceptions. For instance, during the impressionable adolescent years, most boys have very robust libidos, and so girls just take it for granted that males are like that and they naturally assume males will remain like that throughout adulthood. If anything they may expect libido to increase as boys mature into strapping young men. But male libido has already peaked by the time the adolescent years have ended, and afterwards it begins declining, oftentimes surprisingly rapidly. Men in their late 20’s and early 30’s are already getting old in terms of “male libido years”, never mind in their 40’s, 50’s and beyond.

Conversely, it’s very common for women’s libidos to continually ramp up as the years and decades roll by. Women are often bewildered and disillusioned to find themselves in essentially sexless relationships with adult men who just don’t have the strong libidos they had always counted on them to have, and they end up frustrated that the man’s desire is no match for their own. And since women have a very strong need to feel desired by their men all of this can be very distressing for them.

In addition to monogamy and age, the everyday stress from things like work pressures, financial problems, health issues, etc, all take their toll on the male libido. Some theories have proposed that porn use results in the reduction of men’s libidos, but this would seem to get everything backwards. It’s more likely that as a man’s desire and intensity levels wear down because of the aforementioned reasons, he turns to porn to try to escape the rigors of life and recapture the thrill that he used to feel when his libido was strong and healthy. The porn features an endless assortment of fresh new women, providing novelty and variety to help pique his curiosity and provide a quick and easy boost to his tired, worn out libido.

Perhaps these topics are unpopular because both men and women find them difficult to deal with openly. We have all been indoctrinated to believe myths such as “All men want it all the time” or “Men only want one thing” or “Men think about sex every 3 seconds” etc, etc, etc. Our society is constantly telling us “real men” are supposed to want sex with women all the time, and any man who doesn’t must be deviant, unmanly, or gay. So as a result men feel constant pressure to project an outward facade of false bravado and virility so as not to appear weak or abnormal. Most men will never admit to having no/low libido, perhaps not even to themselves, because they are made to feel like a failure or less of a man for doing so.

Meanwhile, from a very young age females eagerly believe that they can take strong libidos in males for granted, only to be shocked and dismayed later in life when they find out otherwise and harsh reality sets in. When their men don’t desire them it feels too humiliating for women to publicly acknowledge so they act outwardly like nothing is wrong, even around closest friends and family.

So both genders are induced into a shameful silence which allows these myths and stereotypes to go unchallenged as they become perpetually re-instilled into each successive new generation. Our culture appears to have so much invested in wanting these myths to be true that it can seem almost like heresy to challenge them at times. But these myths and misconceptions really need to be refuted more often and should ultimately be put to rest once and for all - for the sake of both sexes.

~ James T.O.S.

May 10, 2016 - 5:58pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Sometimes this will likely mean talking with the
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a favor for anuone and through your behavior healing the rift.

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December 5, 2016 - 8:48pm
EmpowHER Guest

This was the most informative article I've read. It helps to have real answers that make sense and open the door for solutions. Much better than she's fat, she's ugly, she's old, I'd rather have sex with other people. There are choices and this brings a more human side to men as compared to being simple minded sex addict. Thank you and is going to help so much in understanding him and talking to him.

May 7, 2016 - 11:48am
EmpowHER Guest

I got a boyfriend I been with for 3 years we have 2 year old and now he never wants to come near me I always have to make the first move if I don't he won't even talk to me or even give me nothing he don't hug me or anythink when I say about I can't be with someone who makes me feel low and down he sad he anit bothered so I think he don't love me but he says he does I cry mostly everynight as I feel so ulgy and down I don't even leave house nomore need help

April 23, 2016 - 6:22pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Maybe you're just dumb? Your grammar is atrocious. On the plus side, I doubt you're ugly, just uneducated! Props.

October 9, 2016 - 9:54pm
HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon! 

Something has clearly happened with your relationship with your boyfriend.  It sounds like he has disengaged with you both physically and emotionally. 

You are an adult woman with a small child.  Don't stay home crying anymore - it's time to make some changes with your partner or get him out. Nobody should be living in that kind of environment. 

Ask him if relationship therapy is of interest to him.

Good luck! 


May 10, 2016 - 1:21pm
EmpowHER Guest

I am so frustrated. As a woman, I read this and want to yell, "Grow up" to some of the men's excuses and realize your sexual partners are not going to mother you into sex. We women have all the same stressors, insecurities and physical limitations. Men, your ego is too wrapped up into your sex life. Sex is a natural existence not to be over thought. It just is. Relax. As women, we communicate. We can express our needs and desires and even better we can LISTEN and RECIEVE your's without judgement. If we make a noise you don't like, tell us? We are not mind readers. Communicate!

Seriously, several of the comments from men show they need professional help. So man up, and go get it. It will benefit you and your partners. As a woman, I've been molested as a child and got professional help and now have normal sex desires and understanding. I have for many years.

There is no excuse for a man to not pleasure his partner even if they aren't wanting to have intercourse. It's selfish to think otherwise. Plus, you might just find you like it. ;)

April 8, 2016 - 6:23pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Did you basically objectify men? I seriously cannot believe you said have sex even if you don't want to. Also you just shit on the actual thoughts and personal feelings somebody had. Why? Because they didn't agree with what you think? Men are just throbbing hard mindless sex toys you feminist.

September 30, 2016 - 4:52pm
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We value and respect our HERWriters' experiences, but everyone is different. Many of our writers are speaking from personal experience, and what's worked for them may not work for you. Their articles are not a substitute for medical advice, although we hope you can gain knowledge from their insight.

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