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Best Responses From Men: Why Won't He Have Sex With Me?

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Best Responses From Men: Why Won't He Have Sex With Me? 4 5 27
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Hundreds of women have shared details about their emotionally-strained and sex-starved relationships, and guess who answered.....men!

We compiled a list of "best responses" from men, hoping to shed some light on this difficult subject. Relationships are all unique, and we hope women use these responses as a guide when talking with their significant other.

Men Are Not Sex Objects:

  • Men have different emotions, too, and to put them in a narrow box, assuming they always want sex, or should always be easily excitable, is not fair. Men are not sex objects, just like women are not.
  • I find my girl attractive, we get along, but sometimes I just don't feel like having sex.
  • Sometimes us men just don't know what we should do. So now we both lay in bed and hope the other does something. This can go on for weeks. When we do have sex, I last three minutes when I used to last longer. Well, that just made things worse, and then I was afraid of doing it again. I know we should have more sex, but we put ourselves in this rut where it made us both unapproachable to each other.
  • I wish I could make it better so she is happier about herself and us. I don't cheat—that is way too much work to pull off on the side! Yes, many guys do, but as far as I know they are still having sex with their girlfriends.

Communication Downers:

  • If my girlfriend is insulting, critical...it kills the trust and makes sex feel hypocritical.
  • I am probably also sensitive in the fact that I never want to have sex if we have had a fight or even when there is lingering crap. To me I want it fixed between us before we get busy.
  • Believe it or not, I hate that we don't ever really talk about it. She just will complain or make snide comments (which does not help). I don't want to force myself to have sex (sounds weird coming from a guy).


  • I know it sounds absurd, but I am afraid of her getting pregnant even though we use protection.
  • Too many rules that I can not possibly live up to (in and outside the bedroom).

Add a Comment50 Comments

EmpowHER Guest

Ladies, it's simple. As a preface, my then soon to be ex-wife falsely accused me of spousal rape which got her everything she wanted in the divirce, so I speak from experience. To continue, with the proliferation of "Yes Means Yes", the ever expanding legal definitions of rape, false rape allegations, sperm jacking, etc., men are scared to death of you. When he has his penis inside you he is not thinking about what a wonderful shared experience it was meant to be. He is thinking about what his mother did to his father in the divorce. He is thinking about his brother who did five days in county when his vengeful GF timed the restraining order for the day before Thanksgiving. He is thinking about his best friend who's GF lied about being on the pill and is saddled with child support payments at 40% of his paycheck. He is thinking about his uncle who suffered a job loss and was thrown in prison for not making child support payments because he didn't have the money. He is thinking, "Am I next in line for this?" In short, ladies, you have made it too serious a threat to his liberty and livelihood to want to have sex with you. If the legal tables were reversed, would you have sex with him? Answer that question truthfully and you will have the answer to the original question. Cheers.

December 17, 2015 - 3:23am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

How incredibly sad. Also what a ludicrous comment.

January 26, 2016 - 12:58am
EmpowHER Guest


I'm a 22 year old girl and I've been together with my 28 year old boyfriend for about one and a half year now. We have a great relationship and love each other very much. He cares about me and wouldn't want to loose me and I'm well aware of that.
BUT, here's the problem: In the beginning we were great and had sex very often, but now our sex life is pretty much a disaster.
I often want to have sex with him and I show him this very clearly, but for him sex doesn't at all seem that important as it is for me. He almost never takes the initiative and I can be there naked right in front of him (he tells me that I'm very hot and attractive) but all he does is being funny. He is always joking and trying to be funny, ALWAYS. But in the bed that just doesn't feel right.
Sex for me is about passion, love, having fun, chemistry and all that. Sex for me is not complicated at all, but my boyfriend finds it very complicated that I need foreplay, touches and kisses and things like that before we start the act itself. He gets so easily discouraged.
When it comes to love, he's very cuddly and likes to just lie next to me and hug. And I love that too! But when it comes to sex he seem to think that he should just "put it in" and go for it. But this doesn't work for me or many other women that I know.
I remember in the beginning when we started to see each other as more than friends and by that time I had kissed quite a lot of other guys and girls and I've always heard I'm a good kisser, but he couldn't kiss properly and it felt so weird. It was as if he didn't know how to kiss, or do sex either.
I've never had this kind of sex problem before with a guy and I couldn't help but think: What if he never had anyone before me, or maybe just one girl or so? That wouldn't be a problem for me at all, but the thing is, I will never know the reason of his behaviour since he refuses to talk about his previous relationships and sex/love experiences!! (if there was any). This leaves me quite upset because I can't understand why he acts like this and I don't know how to solve the problem!
We love each other so much and I really want us to have a good sex life (I'm young and having sex 3-4 times per month is not enough!)

So please, do you have any advice for me, what I could do?

December 4, 2015 - 3:24am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

We must be dating the same person. It gets incredibly difficult when all you want is to be kissed longer than half a second before being pushed away. I also feel as tho mine is inexperienced; he refuses to talk about previous relationships and encounters and is never serious, never allows me a moment of romance before he says "I'm horny, jump on" in those rare moments that we are intimate. The longest we've gone without sex is about 6 months, and we are now on a quarterly basis if I'm lucky. I get so tired of rejection that I've just given up on a sex life. When I try to talk to him he reminds me that I've gained weight -30 lbs - while in college in the last 6 years. I secretly cry and look at photos of myself when I was attractive and wonder if I'm meant to marry someone who won't even really kiss me anymore or take my chances in the dating world again. The tough thing is I know we really love each other and get along great, but I had more sex in my late teens and early 20s than I have with one secure partner in 6 years. Who needs sex when you can have unconditional love from your cat, who will never make you feel bad? That's about my life now.

January 13, 2016 - 2:43pm
EmpowHER Guest

I've had this problem for around 45 years, married 47 going on 48. He never had an interest in me. Just wants to alone we had sex a couple times. He doesn't talk to me, touch me sleep with me. I have no idea what went wrong or why. not gay or into porn. My mistake was not just to leave, I'm sure he wouldn't have missed me or even cared. Just to old no to care any more have no where to go.

November 14, 2015 - 1:58pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Wow that is a long time to be unhappy. It probably feels like you guys are just coexisting. Not even friends because friends at least talk to you and listen to you and care about your well being. Someone so mentally and physically detached from you is dragging you down. I know how you feel about nowhere to go because I was stuck like that for 10 yrs. My son is what got me through it. Surely you have a friend or family member that can help you till you get on your feet. Have you ever tried telling him how you feel and how it's affecting you? If so get out quick because he apparently hasn't cared to try. Don't waste any more time with someone who has the personality of a rock. Worst case scenario you go to every womans place or the DHS to help you start a new life!! Hope you get the help you need!

November 14, 2015 - 4:14pm
EmpowHER Guest

I have been with my partner for over a year now. We were both nervous of starting the relationship because of past heartbreaks, but realized we should just go for it and we did. We didn't say the 3 letter word until we felt ready, but 4 months later we bought our own flat together and I can honestly say I have in every other respect never been happier and he says the same, both love each other.
However, just before we moved in together, he stopped sleeping with me as often. We stopped having as much 'fun' as we used to (and we were quite excitable at the beginning!). This has just gotten worse... 10 months he now only has sex with me about every 3-4 weeks? Last time was about 6 weeks ago. I have tried everything, especially giving him space and time, buying nice lingerie, trying to spoil him, 'treating him', just being romantic, cuddly, playful - and this isn't all the time, as I say, I would only try something if I know he isn't stressed or tired, and with plenty of time in between so it doesn't seem like I am harassing him. I love him and trust him to know he isn't sleeping with someone else, he's still very happy and romantic and buying me flowers, but he just is never in the mood and doesn't turn on to me...
10 months now this has gone on, and I have tired so hard, but its breaking me emotionally and mentally and ruining my confidence, making me question whether I am good enough, maybe I'm not attractive enough for him, all these things. I have spoken to him about it, and he said he would try, even mentioned the doctors, but he never went and for me, I can't see him trying... i am trying so hard to be careful and understanding about this as I don't want to ruin his confidence, but what do I do when its ruining mine? Can anyone help??

November 7, 2015 - 10:31am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

I know exactly how you feel. My boyfriend and I have been together 3 years. It was great and fun at first but now we have sex maybe twice a month and it's only when he wants to. I make every effort to show him I'm interested and he smiles at me and says I'm sexy but doesn't act on it. I know he's faithful to me and loves me but it's very stressful. As women we always take it personal even when our other half seems uninterested. My boyfriend has told me several times that it's not me and he's still attracted to me but I still take it personal. He also says that he needs to go see a doctor and needs to seek help but never does so obviously I take that to heart as well. I honestly think it could be a change in their diet or they are lacking vitamins. There are actually several things you can try that are natural if your man is willing to try for his benefit as well as yours. A supplement called horny goat weed with maca powder is supposed to be a huge testosterone and libido booster for men and woman. L-ARGININE is also a good booster for men. If you Google natural libido boosters there are lots of other interesting methods as well. Have him also take a multivitamin every day!!! I hope this helps you!!

November 7, 2015 - 6:26pm
EmpowHER Guest

I'm dating a guy ,we've kissed and made out but we haven't had sex. I've been dating this guy since march and it's currently September ..... What's going on? He says he wants to take things steady but I feel like he's friend zoning me and even he doesn't know it yet .

September 16, 2015 - 5:54pm
Susan Cody HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon

Some men want to wait until marriage to have sex due to religious or cultural beliefs - could this be the case with him? 

He also could have erectile dysfunction and has a fear of performance.  



September 17, 2015 - 5:37am
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We value and respect our HERWriters' experiences, but everyone is different. Many of our writers are speaking from personal experience, and what's worked for them may not work for you. Their articles are not a substitute for medical advice, although we hope you can gain knowledge from their insight.

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