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Best Responses From Men: Why Won't He Have Sex With Me?

 
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Why doesn't he want me sexually? Photo: Getty Images

Hundreds of women have shared details about their emotionally-strained and sex-starved relationships, and guess who answered.....men!

We compiled a list of "best responses" from men, hoping to shed some light on this difficult subject. Relationships are all unique, and we hope women use these responses as a guide when talking with their significant other.

Men Are Not Sex Objects:

  • Men have different emotions, too, and to put them in a narrow box, assuming they always want sex, or should always be easily excitable, is not fair. Men are not sex objects, just like women are not.
  • I find my girl attractive, we get along, but sometimes I just don't feel like having sex.
  • Sometimes us men just don't know what we should do. So now we both lay in bed and hope the other does something. This can go on for weeks. When we do have sex, I last three minutes when I used to last longer. Well, that just made things worse, and then I was afraid of doing it again. I know we should have more sex, but we put ourselves in this rut where it made us both unapproachable to each other.
  • I wish I could make it better so she is happier about herself and us. I don't cheat—that is way too much work to pull off on the side! Yes, many guys do, but as far as I know they are still having sex with their girlfriends.

Communication Downers:

  • If my girlfriend is insulting, critical...it kills the trust and makes sex feel hypocritical.
  • I am probably also sensitive in the fact that I never want to have sex if we have had a fight or even when there is lingering crap. To me I want it fixed between us before we get busy.
  • Believe it or not, I hate that we don't ever really talk about it. She just will complain or make snide comments (which does not help). I don't want to force myself to have sex (sounds weird coming from a guy).

Fears:

  • I know it sounds absurd, but I am afraid of her getting pregnant even though we use protection.
  • Too many rules that I can not possibly live up to (in and outside the bedroom).

Add a Comment69 Comments

EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

I think my husband has never been interest in sex with me. We've been married almost 50 years and sex has been an effort for him. I would guess we've had sex maybe a half dozen times in all these years. I don't know what the problem has been, he's been to doctors and shrinks and nothing never changed. He isn't gay or have some one on the side, his current shrink thinks he is asexual where he doesn't like sex with any one and thinks of me as an uninteresting person, plus the fact he has no friends a all. He likes being alone, and doesn't interact well with people, let alone strangers. Unfortunately Im the one who stayed by him while all this fall out was going on. I should have moved on but now to old to care any more.

June 22, 2016 - 3:29pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

I think the Past, Present, and Future comments are probably the most relevant, and there is even a name for the type of sentiments expressed here. That would be the “Coolidge effect”. Basically, males get over the initial excitement of the honeymoon phase relatively quickly, and then the longer and longer a man is with the same woman, the less and less desire he typically feels for her, until eventually he may become sexually indifferent towards her. It might take weeks, months or years for a man to lose the passion, but it’s usually not a question of if so much as when. But if that same man were to be put with a new woman, his libido would be rejuvenated (at least temporarily - he will likely lose the passion for her over time as well). And this behavior has even been observed in the males of non-human species, suggesting this is an innate function of biology rather than human social conditioning.

Despite all the stereotypes about men being insatiable, it would seem far more likely that the male libido simply is not sustainable over the long term, especially not with the same woman over and over again. Even if a man does continue to have sex regularly with the same woman over months or years, the intensity level for him will probably diminish steadily to the point of being negligible, that is, he might continue to “go through the motions” with her but he won’t see fireworks and feel the earth move like he once did, and therefore he will be less and less motivated as time goes on. This is not necessarily a reflection of the woman’s desirability nearly so much as it is the man’s own sexual ennui and unrest. She could be the most beautiful woman on the face of the earth and he could still lose sexual interest in her.

The Coolidge effect seems to be much more pronounced in males than in females. In women the oxytocin hormone appears to play a larger role, causing a woman who is intimate with a man to strongly bond with him and desire him. So basically as a couple in a long term relationship has more and more intimacy over time, the woman tends to bond ever more intensely with the man even as his desire for her is continually waning, at least at the sexual level. He might continue to love her at the emotional level but he finds that he no longer perceives her as a sexual being.

Females tend to have many misconceptions about the male libido because of myths, stereotypes, and their own incorrect assumptions and perceptions. For instance, during the impressionable adolescent years, most boys have very robust libidos, and so girls just take it for granted that males are like that and they naturally assume males will remain like that throughout adulthood. If anything they may expect libido to increase as boys mature into strapping young men. But male libido has already peaked by the time the adolescent years have ended, and afterwards it begins declining, oftentimes surprisingly rapidly. Men in their late 20’s and early 30’s are already getting old in terms of “male libido years”, never mind in their 40’s, 50’s and beyond.

Conversely, it’s very common for women’s libidos to continually ramp up as the years and decades roll by. Women are often bewildered and disillusioned to find themselves in essentially sexless relationships with adult men who just don’t have the strong libidos they had always counted on them to have, and they end up frustrated that the man’s desire is no match for their own. And since women have a very strong need to feel desired by their men all of this can be very distressing for them.

In addition to monogamy and age, the everyday stress from things like work pressures, financial problems, health issues, etc, all take their toll on the male libido. Some theories have proposed that porn use results in the reduction of men’s libidos, but this would seem to get everything backwards. It’s more likely that as a man’s desire and intensity levels wear down because of the aforementioned reasons, he turns to porn to try to escape the rigors of life and recapture the thrill that he used to feel when his libido was strong and healthy. The porn features an endless assortment of fresh new women, providing novelty and variety to help pique his curiosity and provide a quick and easy boost to his tired, worn out libido.

Perhaps these topics are unpopular because both men and women find them difficult to deal with openly. We have all been indoctrinated to believe myths such as “All men want it all the time” or “Men only want one thing” or “Men think about sex every 3 seconds” etc, etc, etc. Our society is constantly telling us “real men” are supposed to want sex with women all the time, and any man who doesn’t must be deviant, unmanly, or gay. So as a result men feel constant pressure to project an outward facade of false bravado and virility so as not to appear weak or abnormal. Most men will never admit to having no/low libido, perhaps not even to themselves, because they are made to feel like a failure or less of a man for doing so.

Meanwhile, from a very young age females eagerly believe that they can take strong libidos in males for granted, only to be shocked and dismayed later in life when they find out otherwise and harsh reality sets in. When their men don’t desire them it feels too humiliating for women to publicly acknowledge so they act outwardly like nothing is wrong, even around closest friends and family.

So both genders are induced into a shameful silence which allows these myths and stereotypes to go unchallenged as they become perpetually re-instilled into each successive new generation. Our culture appears to have so much invested in wanting these myths to be true that it can seem almost like heresy to challenge them at times. But these myths and misconceptions really need to be refuted more often and should ultimately be put to rest once and for all - for the sake of both sexes.

~ James T.O.S.

May 10, 2016 - 5:58pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

This was the most informative article I've read. It helps to have real answers that make sense and open the door for solutions. Much better than she's fat, she's ugly, she's old, I'd rather have sex with other people. There are choices and this brings a more human side to men as compared to being simple minded sex addict. Thank you and is going to help so much in understanding him and talking to him.

May 7, 2016 - 11:48am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

I got a boyfriend I been with for 3 years we have 2 year old and now he never wants to come near me I always have to make the first move if I don't he won't even talk to me or even give me nothing he don't hug me or anythink when I say about I can't be with someone who makes me feel low and down he sad he anit bothered so I think he don't love me but he says he does I cry mostly everynight as I feel so ulgy and down I don't even leave house nomore need help

April 23, 2016 - 6:22pm
HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon! 

Something has clearly happened with your relationship with your boyfriend.  It sounds like he has disengaged with you both physically and emotionally. 

You are an adult woman with a small child.  Don't stay home crying anymore - it's time to make some changes with your partner or get him out. Nobody should be living in that kind of environment. 

Ask him if relationship therapy is of interest to him.

Good luck! 

Susan

May 10, 2016 - 1:21pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

I am so frustrated. As a woman, I read this and want to yell, "Grow up" to some of the men's excuses and realize your sexual partners are not going to mother you into sex. We women have all the same stressors, insecurities and physical limitations. Men, your ego is too wrapped up into your sex life. Sex is a natural existence not to be over thought. It just is. Relax. As women, we communicate. We can express our needs and desires and even better we can LISTEN and RECIEVE your's without judgement. If we make a noise you don't like, tell us? We are not mind readers. Communicate!

Seriously, several of the comments from men show they need professional help. So man up, and go get it. It will benefit you and your partners. As a woman, I've been molested as a child and got professional help and now have normal sex desires and understanding. I have for many years.

There is no excuse for a man to not pleasure his partner even if they aren't wanting to have intercourse. It's selfish to think otherwise. Plus, you might just find you like it. ;)

April 8, 2016 - 6:23pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Or your woman could just get tired of not feeling wanted, and simply move on...

April 14, 2016 - 1:31am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

The answer to this question is not simple. But, in the USA, stressful work or too much work IS THE MAIN reason (there are many other major reasons as well) that I've seen that people are not having sex or even going out. It's so bad in some cities of the US that some have little more than Easter and Christmas off and one day a week off...and this goes on for decades and this kills sex drive and romance. Even having kids does not kill romance and sex like demanding hours or a stressful job(s). Some people have learned how to deal with work stress far better than most, but these people are rare. And it's not the bosses who are real stressed usually--the boss can play the back 9 or take it off to sit in the sauna any day of the week if he or she wants...if the typical person did this, they'd be fired nearly immediately. Not to mention, often the typical person is working more than one job here because the first main job does not pay the bills. (I myself will die broke before I work a full time and part time job, because overwork also destroys health quickly and I've seen it to so to many who did it.)

March 19, 2016 - 1:14pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

I agree with a lot of this article but I'd like to add to it, firstly to commenters saying they love their guy and they know he loves them but don't understand the lack of sex, the odds are he does love you and hopefully some of what I say helps coming from the perspective of a guy.

The world of internet porn has certainly had a negative effect on many relationships for both men and women, it's not because a guy/girl would rather watch porn over having sex, trust me, we all want to have sex but where internet porn is hindering relationships in the bedroom is the kind of sex. Online porn allows you to find the type of partner you want to have sex with and not just physically, you would be amazed how much looks doesn't play into it as much as the attitude. I myself am a joke around type of guy, cracking jokes and always trying to have a laugh so in the bedroom I like a girl that thoroughly enjoys sex and can actually smile a bit (c'mon it's sex, smile!) so I don't like a girl that's over serious or over aggressive in bed (e.g. slamming lips together and multiple kisses quickly, I'd prefer softer and 1 or 2 long kisses) so here's a list of things that could be shying your partner away from the bedroom regardless of how much they love you.

- Over Serious, I'm sure some guys like a serious girl but sex to most is about enjoyment and pleasure, try smiling a bit and show your partner how much you enjoy being with them, girls if you feel worthless or undesired because your guy won't sleep with you then how is he gonna feel if you look like sex is just a chore for you?
- Over Aggressive, guess what? Don't want to be treated like the porn stars you think we're watching? Neither do we! Screaming HARDER when a guy is going full steam isn't exactly going to boost our labido, in fact it will have an opposite effect as we now think we can't give you the pleasure your looking for, don't want to be treated like a porn star? It goes both ways.
- Over Vocal, I like moaning and groaning and a girl to get vocal specially when I'm hitting that right spot but I have a limit, if your gonna lay there screaming something over and over. Then the odds are your gonna turn him off.
-Initiator, now this is an interesting subject as many of the commenters have said things like "they're always ready to go", " high sex drive", " I try to intiate" etc, think about it this way, when you first get together there's usually lots of sex but then it fades off, that's cause when your single your always looking to get laid but in a relationship and specially one where the girl is always "ready to go" there's no longer a thrill and combined with many of the stuff I've listed will have an adverse effect, sometimes when a girl is too wanting the guy knows it and for reasons unknown even to the guy it becomes a turn off. But I have 2 ideas to this that are:
Mess and physical, sex is messy and if your a girl that "squirts" it only adds to it, combine that with the physical portion for a guy it could add up to not wanting to bother, personally I don't particularly like falling asleep coated in sweat on a puddle of cum, this will generally mean a change of sheets and a shower so you can sleep comfortable, so my suggestion here is if you notice this is a problem for your guy try discussing it with him to form a better a plan of attack, maybe sex in the morning, make sure that your on top as much as he is to make it not as physical for him.

-Social media, things like facebook, Twitter and even just texting, as a guy myself nothing irritated me more then trying to spend some quality time with my girlfriend and she can't put down her phone, seriously, people can't watch a movie anymore without picking up their phone every 5 minutes to check on there facebook or comment back to something or answer a message, or to mindlessly scroll through their timeline and then what happens? Something happens in the movie and your girlfriends head shoots up and she asks "what happened?" guess what, had you just been paying attention you would know instead of me either hitting rewind or having to try to tell you while I miss a part of the movie, It doesn't matter where you are or what your doing or whether you are a girl or guy, smarten up and put your phone away when your with your partner, you want love and romance and passion? Well they might want your undivided attention for more then 5 minutes. I seriously can't stress this enough, it's honestly maddening, so if you find yourself in postions where he asks a question and you regularly find yourself saying "just a sec" cause your face is glued to a screen then take heed of my advice.

I could go on but I really don't care to, my advice applies to both men and women, if your having problems and you don't know what's wrong it could be something very simple that you wouldn't think in a million years is a problem, so sit down start up a conversation with your partner and figure it out, it may seem irrational what they suggests but instead of getting upset try just listening, if you get upset then the odds are your partner will not bring it up again and your life will not improve, guys can be overly blunt at times and what they say could hurt but it's better to know and possibly rekindle the spark with the love of your life then to just leave him cause your upset.

Hope some of this helps
-Castle

March 13, 2016 - 11:12am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

My man told me he did not really desire me that much. He finds that as he becomes closer and more intimate and more loving with the woman the desire goes. I'm pleased for the love and plan to slip some viagra into his drink one night! haha Or I just go and get laid somewhere else. We are not in a committed relationship. I will not give up sex one second before I have to. Its way too much fun. I'm attractive and do not nag and do not pester people. He can whack off to porn all day long, I don't care. Men love the chase so don't be so available. Tell him your outa there if he doesn't viagra up already! Then move out, get a life, go get laid already!! bunch of codependent whingers. Ridiculous, stop being door mats.

February 9, 2016 - 8:04pm
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