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Susan Cody HERWriter Guide

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Best Responses From Men: Why Won't He Have Sex With Me?

Sex & Relationships related image Photo: Getty Images

Hundreds of women have shared details about their emotionally-strained and sex-starved relationships, and guess who!

We compiled a list of "best responses" from men, hoping to shed some light on this difficult subject. Relationships are all unique, and we hope women use these responses as a guide when talking with their significant other.

Men Are Not Sex Objects:

  • Men have different emotions, too, and to put them in a narrow box, assuming they always want sex, or should always be easily excitable, is not fair. Men are not sex objects, just like women are not.
  • I find my girl attractive, we get along, but sometimes I just don't feel like having sex.
  • Sometimes us men just don't know what we should do. So now we both lay in bed and hope the other does something. This can go on for weeks. When we do have sex, I last three minutes when I used to last longer. Well, that just made things worse, and then I was afraid of doing it again. I know we should have more sex, but we put ourselves in this rut where it made us both unapproachable to each other.
  • I wish I could make it better so she is happier about herself and us. I don't cheat—that is way too much work to pull off on the side! Yes, many guys do, but as far as I know they are still having sex with their girlfriends.

Communication Downers:

  • If my girlfriend is insulting, kills the trust and makes sex feel hypocritical.
  • I am probably also sensitive in the fact that I never want to have sex if we have had a fight or even when there is lingering crap. To me I want it fixed between us before we get busy.
  • Believe it or not, I hate that we don't ever really talk about it. She just will complain or make snide comments (which does not help). I don't want to force myself to have sex (sounds weird coming from a guy).


  • I know it sounds absurd, but I am afraid of her getting pregnant even though we use protection.
  • Too many rules that I can not possibly live up to (in and outside the bedroom).

We value and respect our HERWriters' experiences, but everyone is different. Many of our writers are speaking from personal experience, and what's worked for them may not work for you. Their articles are not a substitute for medical advice, although we hope you can gain knowledge from their insight.

Add a Comment4 Comments

EmpowHER Guest

This has been an issue for me in my last two relationships. In the beginning, there were NO articles about this ANYWHERE, and even still, I have no definitive answer. One similarity was that they both had kids who they were not communicating with in any way, and I would tell them that I had a problem with that. I think it was just the kick in the gut of our relationship that was fatal to our sex life. I kept trying to fix that one thing and some other things. I know you should never try to "fix" anybody, but some people take a little longer to get to know. In one relationship, he appreciated my helping him work through his anger issues, but we still never had sex, and his not working through the anger issues and other things with both of us killed that one. I looked at it as "growing together", and yeah, it was fixing. It's dumb. I didn't know about their kids and the anger issues 'til after I already moved in with them. By then, leaving seemed more complicated than staying, and I was already invested in the relationship. I just wish I knew them better sooner, like before I moved in, at least.

May 29, 2011 - 9:22pm

I think that this was very helpful. The conclusion always seems to be jumped to that he is either cheating, the chick has become unnatractive, or he dosen't want her anymore when in actuality men are not made of anything different than women are. The only difference is that society teaches and expects a man to keep his feelings to himself where as a woman is taught and expected to be open with hers.

March 1, 2011 - 5:59pm
Alison Beaver (reply to rokstarbaby)

Your comment was the perfect summary to my article; exactly the message I was trying to convey...thank you!

March 10, 2011 - 9:14am

it makes you realise that its not just women who go threw this and i think its really brave that a man can say this

January 6, 2011 - 2:42pm
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