Can we re-ignite a 20 year marriage when he isn't physically responding to me?

Hi Anonymous,

If relationships are not tough already, this is really putting a damper on the situation. I wanted to share my take on this since I may fall into your man’s role on this one, career minded.

I am also a major go-getter! From this point of view, I would hope that someone would be supportive and by my side as I conquer the world (per-say). I recently had a conversation with an ex-boyfriend that I spent 8 years with and I asked him what was his worst complaint about me (as his girlfriend). He said TIME. He always felt less than my school, the military and my job. Is it selfish, on the part of the go-getter? Maybe, but I guess the justification I felt and maybe your boyfriend is that we are trying to get comfortable in this world to be able to work hard, play harder with a person who understands. Yes, that is a ton to ask of someone and I am sure he understands as I do. Another justification is we are only trying to get better and not doing things bad such as drugs or something.

No one can tell you what to do here. Only you can make the decision to either find something to do yourself to keep yourself busy or maybe let it go as it may take a long time for him to get acclimated. What do you really want?

I do not expect anyone to understand my chaotic career minded craziness and I chose to be single because I don’t want anyone to feel how you are feeling. I happen to understand since I have done this once and was actually upset when I was asked for my personal time. WHAT? Time? What is that!

Hun, I feel for you in many ways. You really have to find within you what you really want. Do you want children? This would be a serious issue with a career aggressive person. Career becomes your family.

Can you please keep us updated? I wish you the best.

Anon,

I can see what a complicated, multi-layered relationship this has been, and why it's so hard to figure out which parts of it to trust. But I am completely in your corner regarding setting your goals and parameters and insisting on them. You are doing what is necessary to protect yourself. You are setting boundaries, which is something he may not be used to -- either from you or at all. Perhaps he is more in love with the idea of getting back together than in the actual work to do it, you know? Especially when that work is between two people who live several states apart.

I think it is lovely that you still have an open heart to this. And yet I want you to be strong and confident in knowing what YOU need to stay mentally healthy while you explore it. Going to a counselor will help you do that, as will the boundaries you want to set.

And in terms of the physical attraction thing -- it's so hard to know what turns someone on and off. We are all so different in that. It may be that it started with your illness, and that he was so afraid to lose you that it made him see how vulnerable he was -- and he backed off. You know? Something as simple as that. (Is he concerned about this?)

Stay wary, and stay smart, while you go forward. I will look forward to your updates, and I absolutely wish you the best.

Thanks so much for your help. To answer your question. ..He wanted the divorce after 16 years of marriage...after the first affair. He told me the affair was to prove that he could still perform sexually.since he couldn't with me. (Was it my illness? It didn't leave me looking any different.) About a year later, he "fell in love" with a woman who left him, and then at one point after that, came home for a long weekend to try to get back together, but immediately left again (You can see why I'm a little concerned.) He has been through counseling, and seems more sincere now.

Yes, you're right. It is odd that we never went through with the divorce. Neither one of us could bring ourselves to get it. I've always wanted to get back together, but this is a fairly recent thing for him.

He's confused and unsure, especially about the physical issues...and that really concerns me as well. What is it that's in his way? It all leaves me feeling very skeptical (trust is hard to regain on many levels.) He lives with a sister and his mother, two people who have made many demands on him, causing me to feel in third place for many years. That adds to the logistical problems.

Our trip together proved that we have an abiding love for each other, but being close without marriage just isn't an option for me. It's just too painful. I want him to give this his all. To take the summer and work hard to see if we can do this. He accepts my requests, but, they are MY requests. I get the feeling he wants to take it slower than I do. I sometimes come across like I'm making demands, and I know that is certainly unattractive to him. Yet, I feel that if I don't give firm parameters, it's just going to drag on and on. It's hard sometimes to draw the line between co-dependency and real, honest, abiding love for someone you've shared so much with. A lot of those years together were wonderful. Again, I just wish I knew why he isn't attracted to me. Is it fear? Growing older? I guess counseling will be the only way to get to the bottom of it. I know that, unless we get that back, he won't commit in the long run.

My parents have been married 62 years and I saw how hard they worked to stay together...and they've never regretted it. His parents divorced when the children were young...affairs, remarriage, lots of baggage for the kids. Maybe it's a matter of role modes.

Thanks again for your thoughts and kindness. I can't tell you what it meant to get a reply during this trying time. This is a great site, and I plan on joining. And, yes, I'm taking your advice and getting back in counseling to get some clarity.

Hi, Anon,

Thank you so much for writing. And welcome to EmpowHer.

I ache for you. Loving someone for as long as you have loved your husband -- and hoping that you will get back together -- makes everything twice as important. Nothing seems casual, it's all loaded with meaning -- does he or doesn't he? Will he or won't he? Do I want to or not? And that doesn't leave much room for just trusting your gut.

May I ask why you were separated for four years? Why you live several states apart? Was it after the affair he had? I am a little fuzzy on the timetable of things here.

And why has there been no divorce in all that time? What kept you two from calling it quits completely, even though you both were having relationships with other people?

I think if you're having doubts that he's committed to this, you are probably right. Even though he suggested it. And even though there is love on both sides. (It is absolutely possible to love someone while having no sexual sparks. And you didn't know that going into this re-trial period.)

You mentioned that you tried to reconnect before, but you didn't have the tools. I can tell from your question that you are a smart, thoughtful and loving person who has made a pretty full life for herself. Have you had any counseling? Would it be a good idea to get some now as you work through this mine field?

You are right -- to put this marriage back together again is going to take work. And it takes both people to work on it, not just you. I think that if I were in your position, I would find a therapist that I could go to to talk about this, because that therapist is a third party who is objective and who only has your best interests at heart. That therapist can guide you through your feelings and your worries -- while helping you steer clear of traps from the past.

Without knowing more, I have to say that it sounds like this relationship is one in which neither of you are comfortable making huge decisions on your own -- and therefore you have settled into this default period of being married but not really, being apart but not really. To break that pattern -- and either get back together for good or end it for good -- you may need some help to sort through it all. And this seems a great time for that.

What do you think about the possibility of working with a therapist or counselor for a little while on this situation?