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Can't get any pleasure from masturbation?

By Anonymous April 23, 2017 - 4:15am
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I'm 23 (F) and have never had sex. I have a long term boyfriend (28) who is also a virgin. We don't plan to have sex just yet (this is a faith-based choice we're both content with and it's sort of irrelevant except as background) but we do make out and touch each other a bit through clothes and get really aroused from it, and we both enjoy this a lot and do it nearly every time we see each other. I can get very sexually aroused and wet from these times with him, however if I try to masturbate at all, even shortly afterwards while I'm still on a high, I get no pleasure from it at all. Even if I think about what my boyfriend and I were doing, or try to copy some of the things he was doing to me, it doesn't feel good, not even close to how good it feels when he's there. I've never orgasmed from masturbation, only ever in my sleep, usually from having erotic dreams about having sex with my boyfriend.

I wouldn't bother masturbating at all except that I've read that if women can't orgasm from masturbation they can't orgasm from sex, and I really want sex to be good when we do eventually have it, so I feel I have to force myself to come on my own just so I know I can. So I keep trying to masturbate in desperate hope that I can make myself orgasm, except I just hate it and get really irritated when I'm waiting for something to happen and it doesn't. It either hurts or just doesn't feel good and I get angry or teary or frustrated and give up, and it's got to the point where I think of it as a chore I hate more than cleaning the kitty litter because it's so bad. It's got to the point where I can be thinking out about the hot things I've been doing with my boyfriend and feeling aroused so I think I might as well have a go, but then if I try to touch myself I instantly get turned off, and if I'm wet I dry right up pretty much straight away. What's wrong with me? I just can't bring myself to like it and I get jealous that others can get pleasure from it so easily and I can't. Sex sounds really appealing and the thought of it is arousing, but masturbating just causes misery for me and I hate it, but I'm worried if I can't get off from masturbating I'll be rubbish at sex so I feel like I have to keep doing it even though I really don't want to.
Is it possible for some people to enjoy partner sex and get orgasms from it it but NOT enjoy/get off from masturbating? (I seem to only hear of people having this problem the other way round, which I don't understand at all.) If it's not possible, how can I force myself to enjoy masturbating and not just resent it when I try, so it doesn't ruin sex for me?

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EmpowHER Guest

Thank you Helena and anon(s)! (I'm the original anon poster). Feeling relieved and a lot better for having read your replies. Thank you for being kind, nonjudgmental and offering really helpful suggestions.

April 27, 2017 - 4:25pm
Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi, again!

You are very welcome! Just remember, there are no *rules*. We all find our pleasure in different ways. What works for you, might be different for me. And vise versa. Sex should not be a source of stress. There are too many other things in our lives that give us that!


April 28, 2017 - 10:27am
EmpowHER Guest

Dear Anonymous,
It is NOT TRUE that not reaching orgasm when you masturbate defines whether you'll come when you have sex.
The sexual lives of women is differente from that of men. You may need his words, his touch to get feelings this. It's totally normal.

I've experienced orgasms from both things -- sex and masturbation.

The reason why you may have such a negative experience with masturbation is that you are 1) you may have a built-up mechanism that doesn't see it as proper, 2) you can't masturbate with your boyfriend. ? If you CAN .... that is if he is willing to write you things that let you do it when you are alone, or tape your voices and noises when you make out and whatever, you can "re-enact" the experience.
Have something tangible that he is giving to you so that you can explore yourself.

Another thing, at your age and not having had intercourse yet is normal. You haven't experienced many things, don't worry you will. Everyone matures sexually. It doesn't automatically happen just because you lose your virginity. Not at all! It takes development. Don't worry.

And if masturbation makes you upset and angry, don't do it -- if one isn't into it, one can never force onself to orgasm. It is like sleep. We do not force ourselves to sleep, we fall asleep. We do not force ourselves to breathe, it just happens.

Sex is very natural, and I guarantee that if you are hot with your BF now, when you are finally in the position that you guys are allowed to actually do it, you'll come in time. Maybe the first time may be painful. It may take a few tries to get used to the newness of sex. But don't worry !!!

Nobody needs to masturbate first to be iniatiated into sex later. False.

If it's a chore to you , please don't do it.... If you WANT to , do it for pleasure and tell your boyfriend you want him to help you. Maybe he doesn't need to touch or see you, but as a guy he probably has no trouble at all touching himself. Being a good man and your future husband , he should be willing to help you with your needs on the phone, or something like that. You getting this?

You will be fine. Trust me. It's as easy as breathing when you 're doing it with your husband (or boyfriend) if the bond really is there and both of you are physically healthy, which it seems you are.

Good luck!

April 26, 2017 - 7:21pm
Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Very good advice, Anon!


April 27, 2017 - 3:28pm

Hi, Anon.

Thank you for reaching out to us.

Orgasm can be of two types in women-vaginal and clitoral. Depending on the stimulus received, a woman can reach either of it. Some women need both to orgasm. It's personal and different for each woman. Some women have good sex lives who don't masturbate. So, I'd not let something you read influence you in this way.

Being stressed about this will only make matters worse. I would stop (for now) trying to masturbate and get pleasure from being with your boyfriend which you say you do.


April 23, 2017 - 5:44am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Helena)

Indeed! Very true, Helena. If one pressures oneself to orgasm, the chances of orgasm are almost zero.
To be able to orgasm one needs to be at ease and just as excited as with the other things.
And don't believe everything you read, as Helena says. That is a claim, not a reality.

April 26, 2017 - 7:25pm
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