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He doesn't desire me.

By Anonymous November 26, 2012 - 11:06pm
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My boyfriend of a year seem to have lost desire and being intimate with me. I am very confused because he's very affectionate, loving and sensitive with me. I gain, at most 5 lbs during our relationship. He stress that it's important for me to keep fit so he'll still desire me. When we have alone time, he always complain of stomach hurting, goes in the bathroom with laptop for a very long time. He says he's very sexual person and can masturbate after intercourse. When I brought it up to him, he makes me feel shallow and wanting sex. He's never passionate with me, he only went down on me once throughout our relationship!!!! I am confused because he's great guy in showing his love, attention and commitment towards but that still doesn't help the fact that that's as far as it goes. Should I stay? I am on verge of closing this chapter but need reinsurance that maybe it's a lost cause.

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EmpowHER Guest

get out now!!! - a sexless relationship will end up totally destroying you, especially your self esteem, and there's really not much support out there for women in this position, since the vast majority of men are in denial about having a lower libido.

December 13, 2012 - 7:37pm
EmpowHER Guest

I am a male so I thought I would give my point of view because my relationship has been though/currently working on this.

There were a few reasons why I chose to take care of myself instead of being intimate. One, we were fighting about a lot of little things, not crazy more like nagging and constant so I didn’t want to have sex with someone that just got mad at me a few minutes ago because she had filled the water bowl more times this week. The second was we both feel into a rut and lost some fitness and sexual appeal. When a man gets out of shape and starts losing testosterone his libido goes down. And believe it or not, when a man doesn’t feel good about his body it can have an effect as well. Third, and I think the biggest one, was I wanted to explore sexually and she wasn’t receptive and open. I wasn’t getting what I wanted to it made sex feel...less. So it just seemed easier to do it myself. *And I don’t know if this is TMI so stop reading now if you are sensitive.* The things I wanted to try/do were more than most people do. I really like to end sex with a bj and wanted to try after anal. I also wanted to try more in the shower and try water sports. There were some other things but these two highlight my point. I wanted them and I couldn’t help feeling ...less from sex when I really wanted to try. Well it took us almost breaking up for me to be honest and open so I told her all of the three things I said before were very important. Well the first two were easy, we tried hard and resisted fighting. We went for more walks and activities. The sex stuff was a little harder because even though I wanted them I could understand the hesitation. But she knew they were important to me and tried. She eventually learned to not hate/like doing them with me because she saw how much it made me happy and meant to me. Because I was satisfied I wanted to do more for her and make her happy. She wanted me to choke pretty hard, wanted to perform anal on me, and much more oral on her. Well the first two things were hard for me but I wanted to make her as happy as I was. We still have some issues but things are a LOT better now.

December 5, 2012 - 3:40pm

Hi Anon,

I think you already know the answer to your own question: he's just not that into you. He may very well love you, but sexually there is something missing for a man when he decides to give up on sex and go to masturbation instead. Some men have sexual dysfunctions that have absolutely nothing to do with you or how attracted he is to you. However, this is hard for any man to admit. You can always try seeing a sex therapist if he does love you and you both want to work on your sexual relationship. Masturbating in the bathroom may work for him but where does that leave you?

Wish you the best!


November 27, 2012 - 7:32am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Rosa Cabrera RN)

Thank you for the advice. When I addressed him with my frustrations and the idea of us separating, his response was that he's crazy about me and don't see a life with out me. So he proposed! I think that's lame and he's desperate to-do anything in so trying to keep me. I'm really confused and don't really know if a sexless relation is worth fighting for. I know a lot of women who would prefer to be in my shoes....

November 28, 2012 - 2:21pm
(reply to Anonymous)

I understand. Proposing is not the answer to your problems, you will then have a bigger problem because you will be married. 

He needs to accept that you have a problem in the relationship FIRST, before being able to fix it.

Wishing your relationship the best,


November 30, 2012 - 8:18am
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