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He ogles other women excessively, it ruins my self esteem & makes me resentful.

By January 19, 2010 - 3:46am
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We have been together for ten years. I broke up with him and moved cities. He lives with me now cos he needed my help. It wont be for very long, that was my arrangement with him. I love him and find him attractive. He is a good lover, the best I,ve ever had actually. I was willing to let him go cos we are not compatible outside the bedroom. It was hard but I did it. Then he asked for my help, & I could not refuse, the fact that I wasnt having good sex without him(couldve been a contributing factor). He takes me for granted as usual. Always finding all women everywhere very intriguing. My question is... How do I possibly keep my self esteem intact. he trys to break it all the time. During the ten years of heartbreak, I tried to maintain a good self esteem, but now I am so tired. I dont care for the dynamics of the relationship, it is messed up and he will move out soon(it is unspoken between us). We are both playing house I think. Also we have both been unfaithful during our seperation. I do not wish to make a life with him, I just need to maintain a good self esteem in the interim if I want to be sane. I do love him, but he is not good for me. I have to let him go again soon. Its cruel for me, but laso the best thing for me.

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Self-esteem junkie,

I really empathize with your situation. I am proud of you for being able to see it with clear eyes, though, and being able to write about it so well in your post. I agree with Rosa -- print out your own post and read it to yourself. You are right there at the solution, and you outline all the reasons why.

I also think that he's just plain not a very good friend. A friend does not ask for help (as he did when he moved in with you) and then try to hurt the person who's helping him. A friend just plain doesn't act like that. He's not a kind person when you get right down to it. A friend would be grateful, helpful and kind.

Self-esteem can be a little fragile, but if you think about it, it's still there. Think back to a time when you absolutely felt like YOU, and knew that YOU were great. You have an inner sense of what makes you special, and I'm betting that's still inside. He may actually see it too and that's why he tries to step on it -- to keep you down and to keep you feeling that you're beneath him.

I have a best friend who was in a marriage like this for 22 years. It almost broke up at 15 years, but it got better for a while and went to 22. I think that now, when she looks back, she feels that those last seven years might have been a waste. Most of the reason the marriage didn't break up sooner was because she was afraid to move forward. She was afraid that without the marriage, she wouldn't have much. It's completely not true -- she is at heart a bubbly, loving soul, a wonderful friend, and a loyal daughter and sister and aunt. But her self-esteem was low enough that she couldn't see all this like those of us outside her could see it.

How do you build your self-esteem? You get back to that place in your mind where you KNOW that you ROCK. You remember the things that you know are special about yourself. And you work to realize that he's just plain wrong. When you're alone sometime, imagine yourself saying that to him, with strength and conviction: You're just wrong. You don't know me, and you're wrong. Imagine what he'd say back, and then tell him again that he's just plain wrong. And that you don't have to listen to it anymore.

You may not be able to say these things to him in person yet, but just saying them out loud to yourself can really help. You are so smart and so thoughtful and so intuitive -- I can tell just from your post -- that I know you can do this.

He's inconsiderate and shallow, and he doesn't deserve to be with you. His loss.

You're not alone, and your self-esteem is safe with us. =)

January 21, 2010 - 8:32am

Dear self-esteem junkie,

After reading your post, I think you should re-read it to yourself and the answer is clear. Although you are not together you still have feelings for this man. I know that you're trying to help him out but for YOUR well-being you have to let him go completely. There is no way that by having him stay with you you can let these feelings go, sadly.

If he ogles over other women, it's pig-ish in my opinion for him to express this to you as if you were one of his buddies. But then again, this should be a clear sign that he has moved on and you two are now on separate pages. I am truly sorry that your emotions are being played with but it's time to get him to be independent and move along without your help. There should be no reason for you to be going through this right now, one day you'll find yourself a man who truly values you and doesn't use you after a break-up. Once a man is gone from your life if there are no children involved my personal opinion is that the string should be cut completely.

Good Luck to you, I know you were trying to help him but now it's time to help yourself.


January 19, 2010 - 4:45am
(reply to Rosa Cabrera RN)

Thank You, Rosa. I am hurting. Its not good for my soul loving an oppurtunistic man who is in it for what he can get. I will do what I can and leave the rest to God. Its great having compassionate women like you on my side. It makes me a little stronger and I do not feel alone. Thank you

January 19, 2010 - 9:58pm
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