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How can he LOVE me if he isnt sexually attracted to me anymore?

By June 1, 2010 - 7:38pm
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To start off I am a very sexual 26 years young woman and he is 30 and not so sexual. We have been together for year and half now and in the beginning our sex life was pretty great. Over the last 9 months or so the sex is very few and far between. I would prefer sex everyday but do not expect that from him nor demand it of him. I would say something to him after couple weeks would go by and I couldnt stand feeling upset anymore but it woould always end the same. He would apologize after we fought and a day or so after then we would have sex. He just never seems to be in the mood and he always makes me feel as though he could really care less about sex. In the beginning he almost did want anything to do with me because he thought I was a prude because I would reciprocate his sexual advances while in the process of getting to know him. I have often found stuff on his computer browse history, so I know he looks at porn online and obviously gets 'friendly' with himself. We have had our problems in our relationship nothing big but he is just starting to really take our relationship seriously and doing some really hard work to fix some problems. Hes showing me more appriciation now, more then he ever has. Then out of nowhere and on the ending of a sexless 3 day weekend I get upset becuase again we dont have sex when I had been anticatapting it all weekend, he tells me that the truth is my weight is a problem for him. I know he has 'been with' woman way larger then myself before. I have never been told my weight was a problem for anyone but after almost 2 years its a problem for him? He acts extremely jealous when other guys look at me as though they want me, but why if he doesnt 'want' me? After he said that to me I cried myself to sleep that night and he acts like everything is perfect after that, like he didnt just crush me. He almost seem relieved like now that he said that hes off the hook for good because now I wont want sex from him.* IF* I did allow myself somehow to have sex with him, I dont think that I could. I think I would feel like he was only doing it to shut me up or keep me from sleeping with someone else and while he was having sex with me I would feel like it was pure torture for him. Where does that leave us now because I think he is doing the 'Love Dare' on me to try to work on us. Does he really love me if he doesnt want to have sex with me? I thought when you really love soemone you dont see the flaws. I thought the sexual attraction was on a deeper level then just the outside. Afterall I dont see his massive amounts of back hair and his bald head when we have sex.... I want him just as much as I did the first time. Please, any advice at all would be great! Thank you :)

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EmpowHER Guest

I’ve been with my boyfriend for just over a year and due to a disease I have I have been putting on weight. I have tried everything I can to have prevented this but it occurred anyway. He told me last night the he is no longer attracted to me sexually but he still loves me. Personally I can’t understand how you can love someone and not be sexually attracted to them. I’m absolutely crushed and I have no self confidence left. I’ve offered for him to go sleep with other people since I don’t satisfy him enough in order to save our relationship, but it’s killing me inside. I don’t know what I can do anymore to fix this. I feel like it’s my fault because of the disease.

January 9, 2018 - 9:06pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

I am dealing with something similar. I have PCOS and, despite constant dieting I have gained 60lbs. I have bad skin, hirsutism(facial hair) and infertility. I can't even blame my husband for not being attracted to me; but it stings to hear. I wish that I could be a whole, beautiful woman for him, but I have no control. I don't know how to fix it and I don't know how to forgive him for saying. It's not like I didn't know in my heart, but the confirmation of my fears is heart-breaking.

January 10, 2018 - 9:21pm
HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hello Anon
Thank you for writing and I am sorry you are ill and dealing with emotional fall-out as well.
Your boyfriend may have fallen out of love with you with or without an illness - who can tell? If it's due to your illness, then that is unfortunate.
Your boyfriend may still love you as a friend - I am sure he does - but as a lover and romantic partner, that time may have passed. This happens to many relationships. It is not your fault. It may not even be his fault - the heart wants what the heart wants (and vice versa).
Him having sex with others won't do anything to keep him; he will eventually fall in love and the woman he meets is not going to be ok with him going home to you as his "friend".
It's never easy to let a relationship go but break ups happen all the time and people do recover. Who knows, you may both find someone new and you can remain friends.
I wish you the best and hope you recover well from your illness.

January 10, 2018 - 3:16pm
EmpowHER Guest

Lord help us! Sounds like we need a male whorehouse! Seriously, there was one in Bangkok for women whose husbands decided after the wife was 40 it was time to get a new minor wife. I have been with this fellow for over 20 years now. First 2-3 were OK, but now he just giggles or slaps my hands away. I have been used to great, frequent, and mutual fun sexual encounters and this is blowing me away. I have moved to another room rather than get POd at him for rejecting my advances. What are we to do with these guys? (PS: Not just me, no wet dreams or masturbation on his part either!! In my opinion, sicko!)

September 11, 2017 - 10:38pm
EmpowHER Guest

Wow! I really had no idea how many women, myself included, are going through the same thing!

August 29, 2017 - 10:25am
EmpowHER Guest

Wow, there's so many of us out there. I never realized that there's so many other woman, suffering like I am. I'm almost 45, and my husband is 41, almost 42. We've been married 2 years. The first year was fine. We didn't have sex as many times as I would've liked, but I'm very aware of the fact that I have a much higher sex drive than anyone else, both males and females. So last summer though, he had an emotional affair. The woman was in a different state and married, so I know that it wasn't physical, but by just him and her talking behind my back, he started sleeping on the couch, took off his wedding ring, told me that he didn't love me anymore, and that he didn't think he wanted to be married anymore. I was devastated and shocked to say the least. At first I didn't know about "her", but then a friend sent me a screenshot of her on his FB page (he had taken me off of it at this point) saying, "Happy birthday babe. I wish I could be there with you to celebrate. I love you.". I was FLOORED, but at the same time everything about what he had been saying and doing suddenly made sense. So during that time, he treated me like shit, but I kept trying to make our marriage work. I spent 5 MONTHS competing with that woman, and begging my husband to love me again. Keep in mind that this was only an emotional affair as they were too far apart and she was married too. If he had psychically cheated, I would've just divorced him. Anyway, during that 5 months, he told me that he is unattracted to me, and that I am fat, ugly, repulsive, etc...Hearing him say those things, cut me to the core. After 5 months, he stopped talking to her, told me he loves me, and that he got his head out of his a** finally. So he's been on a mission to make up to me for how bad he hurt me for the last 6 months. However, we're not having sex. He tells me that he loves me all the time, but I still hurt from him telling me he's unattracted to me. I'm trying to forgive him and move past it all, but how can he love me if he isn't attracted to me??? He tries to tell me that he is, but his never wanting sex with me, proves to me that he really did mean all the nasty things he said. Am I wrong? He says he just said those things out of anger, and that he didn't mean any of it, but if that were true, why doesn't he want to have sex with me?? I am very confused and my heart is shattered. I want our marriage to work out bcuz I love him so much, but how can I get over what he did and the awful things he said? I feel so insecure and like every night we go to bed, and don't have sex, that he's rejecting me all over again. Anyone have any advice for me????

August 22, 2017 - 7:27pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Hi I have read your story. Im married for 26 years. 46 years old and attractive. Exactly the same happened to me. Sex comes from the mind men or women. The advise i can suggest. Never think it is you or the problem is you. The problem lies with your husband. What he did was exciting for him and that gave his ego a great boost. Always remember that. Firstly get yourself going girl. Start gyming put on music. Go Out with a lady friend at least once a week. Get your house exciting. But first of all get him wondering what the helll..... you need to look after yourself start laughing again and push everything that happened aside. An emotional affair is much stronger for a man than a sexual one. But you still have your husband and be honest. What he did has nothing to do with you keep and work on your self he will notice I promise. Dont ask for any thing. Just put the atmosphere there. He will notice and it will take time. For now just be a friend to him. Concentrate on the small things something that small to eat at work surprise him. Find the sexiness firstly in yourself again. I know what he told you but that was his defense. He was wrong

October 8, 2017 - 11:27am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

I don't know where else to turn. My husband told me this weekend he was no longer sexually attracted to me. He said I was too heavy. I have gained about 20 pounds. We have been married 22 years. He said he still loves me. I am crushed...not sure what to think about myself or where to go from here. I don't want to start loosing weight, just for him. Yes, I want him to be attracted to me, but love is so much more than sex. I'm babbling, but so hurt. What would you suggest?

February 12, 2018 - 11:16am
EmpowHER Guest

Wow okay, so I thought alone with this problem.

Been with my hubby for 3yrs, 1 yr married 2 years dating. Yip have the same problem. These were the excuses, the kids, no time, tired, overworked, stressed, sick, and now....ta da Honey I have a low sex drive.... lower than yours....

I sulk he touches me, couple of months I sulk he touches me, couple of months I sulk he touches me. But I do love him more than I have loved anyone, so I guess I will stay in this sad situation.

August 18, 2017 - 6:45am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Don't stay in this position. Tell him. The following. I feel .... dont ask for sex. See if both of you can agree to doing it for now on sundays. Make work of it. If someone loves another you will do anything to keep them happy. Im married 26 years. No excuse for your hubby. Be sexy men are visually attracted to women even their own. And let him know you appreciate him

October 8, 2017 - 11:34am
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