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How can My boyfriend help me through my flash backs?

By Anonymous December 27, 2012 - 9:55am
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For the last two years I have lived in abusive circumstances. First it was my employer when I was a live in nanny for a single dad with a teenage daughter. He used to rape me regularly and systematically, he would also hit me and call me names, degrade me etc etc. once I gathered the courage to leave, I met a guy and fell in love with him. Almost straight away we were with eachother all the time. We decided to move in together and everything soon started to go downhill. He started neglecting me, left me to do all the housework and shopping by myself even though I often asked him to take me to the supermarket since he has a car and I dont. He would sit upstairs in his game room all day and play computer games and smoke canabis, he wouldnt have sex with me, although he didnt give me a reason why it made me feel very undesireable, but as you know, every woman has needs, so whenever I tried satisfying myself, he seemed to have a sixth sense cos he would come in and force himself on me just to pull out after a few seconds when he got soft. He would shout, scream, sulk, and eventually he became physically violent. I left him and fled to a refuge. Since ive been there Ive met a lovely man who I have been with for a while now and he is the complete opposite of my ex and my ex employer. He is kind, caring, honest and generous in every possible way. The only problem is that I still feel very fat, ugly and discusting, even though I can see it in his eyes that he is telling the truth when he says Im beautiful or pretty. I still dont dare to take it to heart. He is also very considerate sexually and he knows what Ive been through, but I still suffer terrible flash backs from time to time, it can be from tiny little things that he does or says during sex that one of the other two did and I push him away and start crying and I cant bare him touching me. I know he suffers greatly from it aswell, he doesnt like seeing me upset and he would go through hell and high heavens for me, but I cant help it. What can I do? What can he do? And what can we both do together. We already talk about it every time it happens, but it doesnt seem to be working. He never does the same 'trigger' twice so I know he listens and that he respects me and my issues. I just dont want my past to destroy my future.

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I know how you feel cause I get them. your boyfriend can help. He can talk you through it and it works. I have had my best friend do the same thing.

March 22, 2013 - 9:53am
EmpowHER Guest

Hi Anon,

Welcome to EmpowHER.  Sorry to hear how you feel.  It's great your new boyfriend, can understand you.  But it's very important for you to seek help from a professional.  Such a psychotherapist, that will help to overcome all this you are feeling and will help with your present relationship.

Best of luck,


December 27, 2012 - 12:41pm
(reply to Anonymous)

Daisy, I already see a therapist, have a support team, key worker and quite literally all the help I can possibly get. This is why I am asking, What else is there to do? I know my boyfriend finds it frustrating in a way, not because of how I am but because he feels helpless.

Ronnabelle, author of the question

December 27, 2012 - 2:15pm
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