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within a year i had 2 consecutive missed abortions(due to the absence of cardiac flicker) with a difference of just 6 months b/w these two... rest of initial medical tests were apparently ok but the only common thing was my disturbed state of mind during those pregnancies...i mean... i had & still have alot of compatibility issues with my spouse that'z why i had an xceptionally stressfull life especially during those dayz
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thanx diane!
May 17, 2010 - 9:18pmitz always a pleasure 2 hear frm u... yes, u r right that i shd hv a sufficient gap in the nxt pregnancy so that i can handle my domestic life properly...
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hi alison.
May 14, 2010 - 7:01amthanx alot 4 ur concern... 1st of all yes my hubby too wanted 2 xtend our family but not as passionately as i do... v both luv kidz... but he is anxious 4 having a baby boy 2 complete our family rectangle....
2ndly i can feel my daughter's own urge 4 hving a sibling as she luv 2 play with other children passionately...like whenever v take her out in any community parks etc, she dnt want 2 get bk home soon, all the time keep on insisting 4 the permission 2 visit neighbourhood 2 play wid other children, whenever any guest family comes home she dont let the kidz go back 2 their place & starts weeping 2 let them stay with her & similarly dont want 2 b back home soon from her montessori coz she still wants 2 continue playing with her fellows...
now wht do u suggest?
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SNQ,
It's wonderful that your daughter loves to play with other children. That means she's well-socialized even though she's an only child right now. LIke I said, I was an only child for 8 years. I know that I loved playing with other kids in the neighborhood and I hated when they went in their houses. Also, I begged my mom and dad for a sister! It just didn't happen until I was 8. And we're still fine.
I guess what Alison and I are both saying is that your home life needs some work. If your husband won't consider counseling, you could always go by yourself -- it might help you sort things out and figure out what YOU want your next steps to be.
As long as you are a loving, interested mom, your daughter is going to be fine. I am glad that your husband also wants another baby, but what if the second baby was also a girl?
Perhaps you could take six months or a year off from trying to conceive and take the pressure off both you and your husband. That might help you figure out how to smooth out the home life, or if it's even possible.
And I have to say this: To smooth out the home life, your husband has to help. This cannot be something you do on your own. If he is distant, angry, uncooperative or just plain uninterested, the marriage won't work. It's got to be the both of you.
What do you think?
May 17, 2010 - 8:49amThis Comment
thanx 4 ur concern ms. porter! but unfortunately he is not willing 2 go 4 any sort of counselling... on the other hand i dnt want 2 leave him coz i dnt want 2 make my daughter one of the kidz suffering frm broken home problems...m so confused...wht 2 do now...?
May 11, 2010 - 9:58amThis Comment
I really liked what Diane said, that she has a sibling 8 years younger, and they are close. What matters most is the current living environment, and if counseling is not an option now, there are many other options you have. You did not answer the question if your husband wants another child, but more often than not, bringing another child into a household with the intention of getting your husband back the way he was does not work, and actually creates more stress, tension and distance. I speak from experience, as I have a 3 year old, too, and a 7 week-old baby. My husband and I have the normal stresses, and a new baby definitely creates more isolation, tension and stress in the marriage ( since we have to " tag team" between the kids...there is no " us" time).
There are so many kids that do not have siblings, and I would argue that they are not lonely, but ate equally loved and nurtured. They have more one-on-one time with adults in their life, as well as numerous friends, activities, extended family. Can you explain why you feel your daughter is lonely? I'm not sure how to ask this question without being blunt, so I'll just ask: do you think you are projecting your emotions on your daughter, and you are actually the lonely one?
Hope to hear back from you soon.
May 11, 2010 - 10:48amThis Comment
Hi, snq,
I'm so sorry about the two miscarriages. But I'm so happy you have a happy and healthy 3-year-old girl!
There is usually no way we can know exactly what was the cause of a miscarriage. But you shouldn't blame yourself. It was most likely nothing that you did or didn't do that caused them.
Does your husband also want to try for another child? Because Alison is right, this may not be the ideal time for you to conceive. A second child, while being loved and wanted, still brings a whole new level of pressure to the relationship. It would affect everything in the household, and if the household is already stressed, that might not be the best thing.
Since you don't want to leave your husband and you feel that he's a good man underneath the work stress, would counseling be an option? Might the two of you go for a few sessions with a therapist to try to smooth things out in the home?
Don't worry too much about your 3-year-old being lonely. I didn't have a sibling until I was 8 years old, and today my sister and I are very close. It's more important that you get the home life to go more easily right now. You want to be sure that second baby would be welcomed by both you and your husband into a loving and peaceful home.
Might counseling be an option?
May 10, 2010 - 8:46amThis Comment
hey! the above mentioned comment (by the name of annonymous) is mine... i just 4got 2 login b4 replying Alison Beaver.... so kindly read it in this hierarchy...
May 7, 2010 - 10:59pmThis Comment
Can I ask why you are trying to conceive if you are having compatibility issues with your spouse that are so stressful, you are wondering if they are the cause to miscarriages? (I assume that's what you mean by "missed abortions?).
You said that the missed abortions were due to the absence of cardiac flicker, which I assume means the doctor was unable to find a heartbeat.
Stress can cause many conditions and illnesses, and it is unknown whether it is the stress itself (and the cortisol or "stress hormone"), or if is the *stressor* that is causing the conditions. The stressor, for instance, could be your relationship with your spouse, and this is indirectly leading you to sleepless nights, poor eating habits, lack of exercise or too much physical exertion, as well as emotional/mental stress...with all of these factors leading to excessive and chronic stress. Remember...stress in itself is not bad, but rather, the excessive, chronic stress that taxes your resources (financial, emotional, mental, physical, etc).
May 6, 2010 - 7:19pmThis Comment
well...things were not so since the beginning of our married life ... basically my spouse is a very good & caring guy but the accesive work load has transformed his personality (in form of an arrogent, frustrated & stubborn guy)... may b u feel it 2 strange but the fact is that being already a mother of 3 yr old baby girl i really dont want 2 leave my hubby ...as i dont want 2 shatter my daughter's personality.... on the other hand i thought may b the arrival of a nxt family member cud change him bk 2 wht he used 2 be & can minimize the lonliness of my daughter...
May 6, 2010 - 11:22pmso far as the chronic symptoms of stressor (u mentioned above) r concerned...i found only few of them in me like rarely sleepless nights but fatigue almost all the time during pregnancy.... right now i m xtremely curious abt the actual reasons behind those miscarriages (yeah , due 2 the lack of heartbeat) 2 prevent them in future... can u plz guide me in this regard? i'll b truly obliged....
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