I dont know what to do!

Hi everyone, I cant tank you all enough for offering support where I had none. I never thought that people that dont even know you are willing to walk you thought this. So I'm thankful.

I went to the clinic yesterday at around 8am. They conducted an ultrasound and to my surprise I was carrying twins! And instantly made the process much harder. I went through a lot of pain and discomfort & will have to come back for procedure follow up at least 3 more times.
I feel really hurt now, even more so.

Torn,

It is Tuesday, and I am thinking about you. I know what a difficult road this has been for you and what a hard decision you had to make. I, too, wish you had someone to confide in, at least to go with you today. But Alison is right, the people there will take care of you and you will be fine.
You did the work and made the best decision for you. Take care and please let us know how you are when you can.

Hi Alison, and thank you for your kind words.

What I meant by that lingering comment was that, I was so confuse, and given I was going to loose him, at least I would have my baby in my life, even if that meant not have him be part of the child's life.
I went back and forth thinking of options, but I simply do not have the means for taking care of a child, and f I were to keep it, this child is sure to bring disgrace to the entire family given we are 1st cousins.
I know that you cant keep someone with you if they arent in love with you, as well as im so aware of so many truthful and yet harsh realities concerning my situation. The hardest part for me is acceptance, I just cant, i wish it didnt hurt so much.

Me being pregnant was the topping to that very sour cake and I wish it was different, that I could keep the baby, but I just cant, I've already made my decision. I will try and be fair, and tell him the truth, I believe he has the right to know, but there are no options other than that baby not existing.

I simply have no one close to me that I can talk about this, other than him, and thats even more complicated, because he's a very smart person, and caring, and according to him, my safety is his best interest....but I know that what he really wants is to explore, and make his family proud that he would have a girlfriend that wouldnt bring disgrace to our name.

Unfortunately, I will be going to the clinic alone on tuesday, I am very scared of how its going to go, and how I will feel afterwards. I feel truly alone,a nd I want to be strong, but I am torn, broken and feel i cant do it on my own.

I am so sorry you are having to make this difficult decision, with no one to talk to (about the details of your pregnancy).

Please know that you will most undoubtedly receive some feedback from others, hopefully from primarily caring people who can talk with you about all of your options in a neutral manner, but I just wanted to let you know when you post "hot topic" messages like this, you will probably receive some very "strong messages" from people who are pro-life and pro-choice. I hope those posting will know this is not a place to debate this (often political) topic.

Torn,
I was wondering what you meant by, "I would have to remove myself from him, and him not play a part of the child's life". Why do you say this?

Please know---I would not even be asking these questions if you simply told us your decision, without this question lingering about you thinking about keeping the baby. If you are wanting to keep the baby, is there a way to raise the child on your own, with the help of family and friends? It would not mean getting back together with this man, but maybe give him the option of knowing? I'm just honestly wondering, but I do realize there are so many situations and people, that you know best. You really do, so please have confidence in yourself.

If you know in your heart that a baby is not the right choice right now, you will absolutely be OK after Tuesday, knowing you made an informed choice. It is wonderful you have this choice, and I hope you are able to confide in at least one person in your life; a friend or family member may surprise you with how supportive they are. Many women have chosen to have abortions, they are sad to even have to make a choice, but you may be surprised that someone you know had to make that choice, too (it is not something commonly shared, as you know).

Please keep talking with us, and we are here with you.

Update: I am having my abortion on Tuesday morning :(

Thanks Alison, no answers yet, if not very much confused now.
Although it was a lifetime commitment that we made, just the fact that he is now involved with another woman doesnt validate that for me. I wouldnt want to be with someone that disrespected me in such way.
I love him to death, but how much of me am I willing to give, how much pain am I willing to live with?

I havent told anyone about the pregnancy, and have been going back and forth with the weird thought of keeping it, but I would have to remove myself from him and him not play a part of the child's life. But its a horrible thing, nearly as bad as having an abortion :(

Basically no one that I can speak with freely, with details and all. I feel against the wall and I must make a decision now, Im on my 1st trimester just 6 weeks!

I am so sorry you are feeling this way, but it sounds very healthy that you are working your way through these complex emotions. Have you come up with any answers to your questions? Many of us have felt this same way in relationships...wondering if the good parts outweigh the bad parts (to put it very simply). I was surprised to read that it sounds like what is keeping you with this person is that you made a vow to be partners for life, although every emotion I am reading from you says that you are not wanting to be this person's partner for life, but feel that you made a promise and are now stuck with this promise.

I hope you know that your "vow" was with the best intention, with all of the information you had at the moment. It does not make you less of a person if you are now wanting to make a different vow. That's what makes us all human...we are capable of choosing our own destinies and continuously writing and re-writing the scripts of our lives with the information we have in front of us at the time. We are constantly evolving, changing, along with our environment and those around us.

Are you able to tell any one in your family, or any friends, about your pregnancy? Is there anyone you can depend on to help you through this difficult time right now?

Hi, thank you so so much for responding.
I am 30 years old, and although I still feel broken, with the help of few selected friends I was able to put aside those ugly thoughts that my life was over, as my life is far too valuable.

I have plenty of friends, but the complexity of this situation makes it the more difficult to talk to someone about it.
I was diagnosed with herpes about 3 months after being active with him. He confessed it to me the same day we had sexual relations. Which shocked me, and would have loved for him to tel me before but he was sorry and vowed to help me through it. As time went along, we became best friends, but part of our family was aware of the situation and obviously opposed to it.
His mom even gave him an ultimatum, but I was so important to him, that he still stayed with me.
I sat down to gather my thoughts the other night and wrote down what do I fear and see in this and came out with many questions:

1. Do I really love him to put of through this or walk away and deal.
2. Am I afraid of being alone. (I would never put anyone through herpes, and came to terms with being alone my whole life) keep in mind we vowed to be partners for life.
3. Are all my insecurities preventing me to see a much clearer picture and keeping me in denial.

But all those things got clouded but the fact that I just found out I am pregnant. I have not told him, nor am I planning, But it is ceirtain as sad and as against it that I am, I will have an abortion. I can even imagine what this baby would bring to the family.
It happened after changing birth control pills, and this couldnt have arrived at a more difficult time.
I need guidance.
Thanks again for responding

Hi Torn, I'm sorry you are going through this.

It sounds like you are very upset, which is understandable. But do you really feel your life is over and you have nothing to live for? Because if that's the case, I urge you to get some counseling right away. It is normal to be upset and angry and fearful when a partner relationship is coming to an end, but if you feel at all suicidal please seek help immediately.

I am wondering how old you are. Do you have any friends to talk to? Coworkers? Family? It will help if there is someone you can confide in about all these things you have going on. Herpes is a big thing to deal with when you are initially diagnosed. It does change your life. Have you been able to deal with that? Or is part of the fear of your boyfriend leaving the fear of living with herpes that you may have been able to avoid while you were still together?

Many people live with herpes. They live normal, happy lives on their own or with partners the find before or after diagnosis. Please do not let this health issue keep you locked in a relationship that sounds like it is ending. You are still a worthwhile person who can lead a great life.

If you look at our section on herpes, you will see that 1 in 6 Americans has it: https://www.empowher.com/condition/genital-herpes. So don't let that fear stop you from moving forward.

I'm sure you will have other comments on this. You have everything to live for. Please write again and let us know how you are doing. We care.