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Lately I've noticed that my BF isn't Really into it when we have sex like before

By March 16, 2010 - 8:54pm
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well lately i've been noticing that my bf doesn't seem to be that into when we have sex like he used to and when i ask him he tells me that i am "trippen out" that he is enjoying it and that he "loves" my sex. Please help i don't know what to think maybe i am just "trippen out" but he just recently cheated on me like 5 months ago so i think he might be doing it again. PLEASE HELP

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I think Diane gave you some great information, and I just wanted to add one more thought.

Since you brought up your feelings and concern with your boyfriend about him not being that "into" sex with you...I am disappointed by his response.

Ideally, a more caring and healthy response from him would have been more along the lines of, "I'm sorry you are feeling this way, but I really do enjoy sex with you. What am I doing that makes you feel this way?". His putting the blame back on you ("your trippin' out") does present a red flag that even if he is not cheating again, he is at the very least not communicating with you respectfully or in a caring manner...he is more interested in saving face, not taking responsibility (he may be distracted, and that is OK, but he can own up to it) and putting it all back on you to figure out your emotions.

A healthy and loving relationship would (again, ideally) include both partners working together to figure out a solution to a problem, whether it be real or imagined, a perception or reality. This is probably why you also are not exactly trusting what his response is...in just one phrase, he told you that your feelings are silly, untrue and not worthy of being discussed.

Of course, give him another chance to prove that he can openly, honestly and maturely communicate with you (we all have our bad communication days!), but please let him know that you expect him to validate your feelings and discuss them.

As Diane asked: if he is unable (or unwilling?!) to communicate and care about your feelings, is this the type of person or relationship that you want for yourself?

March 18, 2010 - 1:32pm


Welcome to EmpowHer, and thanks so much for writing.

The first thing I'm worried about is you, not your boyfriend. If he cheated on you five months ago and you think he might do it again, are the two of you using condoms? You need to protect yourself from sexually transmitted diseases, and there's no way you can do it otherwise. This is exactly how they spread. It doesn't matter even if he "only did it once" -- when he has sex with someone else, he also is exposed to everyone that person has had sex with. And then when he has sex with you, YOU are then exposed to everyone that person has had sex with. So I want you to protect yourself while you work through this.

Second, the problem with cheating is that it breaks our trust and that trust is very, very hard to get back, as you know. Suddenly you start wondering all the time if the other person is seeing someone else or getting involved with them. Maybe they are, or maybe they aren't, but because they have broken your trust, they have changed your life and your relationship and that isn't easily fixed.

After your boyfriend cheated the first time, how did you learn about it? Did he tell you or did you find out about it in another way? When you talked about it with him, did it feel like he was being honest or was he evading the truth? Was he sorry, and genuinely remorseful, or was he angry that you had found out? Did you believe him, for real, if he said he was sorry? Or did it just feel like something he had to say to get you back?

What makes you worry that he might be cheating this time, in addition to the fact that he seems distracted when you are having sex? Has something changed about his schedule or about how he talks with you? Is he gone more, or are there times you can't get in touch with him?

He might be cheating; he might not. What you have to ask yourself is why are you back with him if you don't trust him. Is this the way you want to live? Is he trustworthy after all?

What do you think? Does this make any sense?

March 18, 2010 - 9:05am
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