Living with and possibly leaving a sick spouse - a heartfelt story from a reader looking for advice

I have endured 15 yrs of verbal and emotional abuse from my husband -- he has driven away my daughters (from previous marriage --they are adults now) with his cruel words. He's had numerous health issues (pneumonia, blood clots, heart irregularities). He had a stroke 5 yrs ago and I reached the end of my tolerance for the pain of life with him. He is the total victim -- it's always about him, his ailments, money woes -- since he had the stroke he went on disability and can't work. I pay all the bills -- mortgage, daycare for our 10- year-old son, buy food and cook it after 9-10 hrs at work. There were days I was so physically and emotionally exhausted after working all day, and the minute I'd walk into the house he'd ask what I was going to cook for dinner. He never talks to me about anything except himself and his problems. Never asked how I am doing or seems to care. He hides his disability $ from me and expects me to pay his way. I just found out he has saved $2000 so he can buy a car for himself-- this while I was rolling pennies so I could get gas to go to work. He rages at me if I don't give him $, threatens to divorce me and take son away, then cries and seems totally unstrung. It is horrible.
I feel sorry for him yet recognize the red flag of codependency at the same time. He lives separate from me in quarters above garage with a separate entrance. I do not let him enter the house where I reside with my son, although I know he comes in when I am at work.
I KNOW that his me-me-me attitude will eventually kill me -- definitely spiritually and quite possibly physically, so removing myself and son from his toxicity is the only answer. It is easier if I don't have to interact with him.

I found this article through a search on Google. While our situation isn't exactly similar, it's close in some ways.

My wife has MSIDS or better known as Lyme Disease. She was diagnosed a year and a half ago. We've been together since January 2011, married in May 2012. I'm a 27 year old female, and completely confused. I knew her before all of the health issues started. I knew her when she was vibrant, active, sweet, caring, loving, understanding, and passionate about many things. She has changed so much since that time. She is now bitter, filled with rage, depression and resentment. She mostly resents me because I don't want to have sex. I have a very low sex drive, and it's been an issue in our relationship since about 6 months after we started dating (due mostly to unresolved sexual abuse issues). I admit that I haven't given my own stuff as much attention as I should since I've focused pretty much all of my time, energy and money into getting her better.
We've had frequent fights as of late, mostly me starting off with why she's so cold, distant, aloof. Always on her phone. Never engaging me. She tells me she resents me for lack of sex. She's also said so many hurtful things over these past many months. I know Lyme has changed her. I also feel like she'll never be the same, even when she gets better.
On top of all of this, I'm finding myself dreaming about men and wondering what it would be like to be with one after all these years.

There's obviously a lot going on in my world and I'm doing a lot of soul searching and list writing so I don't make any rash decisions. I'd suggest writing lists, ones relevant to your relationship and ones that aren't. Examples: pros/cons of leaving, what makes you happy/unhappy (in general, not in the relationship), all the good times with your spouse/all the bad times with your spouse (being specific to actual events).

I don't have any answers for you or for myself. I hope we both can tune into our highest selves to make the right decision for us. Remember, don't base your decision on anyone but yourself. Don't worry about what other people think. Ultimately, you're the only person you have that will be there through everything. Fall in love with yourself. Sounds like you need some time to be selfis- whether you choose to stay or to leave.

I've been married 14 yrs. In all these years, there have been countless medical problems for him...me one. Many of them were accidents...I've decided he's the most careless man on the planet Earth. It is simply not possible that his luck is this bad, plus many injuries were proof of idiocy. Like wear googles. A human can't lift that. You get the idea. He also had chronic ear infections but until he stopped smoking the doc wouldn't do tubes...he's still a smoker, and its 12 yrs later. I've seen him through countless kidney stones (again refused doc advice and continued Tums abuse and abuse of mtn dew). I've seen him through 3 shoulder surgeries. All accidents that make him look dumb. One was "I have no idea how" ...a doc said "impossible." Others...doing somethg only the Hulk could manage. But what he did manage...was addiction to pain meds...and I had to see him through that too, twice. Now its been nearly a year and the best doctors cannot diagnose him. It seems like an IBS sort of deal but after tons of hosptalizations, countless tests, and thousands of $ there is no dx and we are just treating symptoms. Hes been put on a strict diet and told to stop smoking (AGAIN) but isn't doing it. It really hurts that the kids and I are on this horrible diet for his sake and not only does he eat thgs he shouldnt, he still smokes and lies about it...and HES THE ONLY ONE THAT COMPLAINS ABOUT THE DIET!
And speaking of complaning...he's seriously the biggest whiner I've ever known in my 39 yrs. He can have the same flu but he is sicker. He has never told a medical pro his pain is under 5. Ever. My kids can handle pain better. But this "poor unfortunate" man is surely worth it right? He must have some redeeming qualities? One. He works hard at work. No where else. Plus he doesn't miss work..until this past yr he couldn't workat times...and lay offs for big amounts of time. Not his fault. But overall a shitty husband. He rarely apologizes and often has zero reaction when I tell him I'm lonely in this marriage. I saw on facebook he asked a lady out (she has since cut off all private chatting with him..no answer lol). He's not hot or anything...or socially adept..or smooth or secretive to cheat...at least that's my opinion. He's a terrible liar but a "good" omitter. He's terrible with money...a big source of his issues in gereral relate to immaturity. He's 41 and still would rather spe nd on fun without thinking ahead to how much we need when the bills are due.
With all this awfulness I've tried to forgive and move forwRd with him forour kids. Then 2 wks ago he went way off the diet and began smoking like a chimney again. He was hospitalzed for days. As soon as things begin to get better for him physically...he has probs with an eye. After 4 docs and diff diagnoses, they removed somethg he has no idea how it happened. Doc said it was plastic. Its yet another medical mystery. Oh and another thing...the man is never well. Ever. in 13 yrs. It can be weeks after yet another prob and clearly he's doing good. Someone asks how he's doing with ------- problem and he will always say somethg to the affect that he's well enough to do fun stuf but wow I'm still terribly sick. Hes become a total joke to many family members. I've begged him to stop talking this way..and to stop constantly talking about all his med issues around our kids. He usually doesn't stop...bc there is no one more important than he...just like no one could hurt or be as bad off as he. But all these probs mean he's so caring when I'm sick right? Wrong. I'm on my own. In fact I had a cancer scare and he told me he didn't think he could handle it. Like I could handle a drug addicted husband getting 3 surgeries? With an infant at the time? I've asked why I get the shitty husband and he gets the great wife. He brags about me all the time to everyone. Even on facebook! So the other day he tells me he can't move his foot. I googled and its called drop foot. His gi doc said to see a neurologist asap. I told him I don't think I can handle it. I've seen him through so much. Held on to duty and vows when I felt I couldn't do it anymore. Put one foot in front of the other cause what wife leaves an ill husband? A wife in a bad marriage to an ill pain in the ass, that's who. If he were a good husband I could bear all. But going through all this with my kids to watch (again) ...I don't see it.

I am so happy I came across this. I have felt so alone, felt like a horrible human being because I am so emotionally exhausted from having a husband that is constantly ill.
None of it is his fault, it's just the hand he was dealt. And he is not a whiner at all. I have been there for him through 5 back surgeries, multiple procedures and tests, and uncountable doctor and specialist visits. I have had one major illness in our 23 years together and he was there for me, but no where near how I am there for him.
Our relationship needs work, we need to reconnect as a couple, not as patient/caregiver. His illnesses are not life threatening or completely debilitating, but they consume our lives. There is never a "good" time to talk about us because there is always something wrong. I feel like a complete and total heel because I have come so near to the end of my rope. I am tired of being Superwoman. Tired of it all being about his illness. Tired of feeling like I am a roommate and not a spouse.
I know he doesnt want to be sick, he isn't a hypochondriac, but how can I wave the white flag and be selfish and say what about me? He has health issues but I dont. He has physical limitations but I don't. He lacks energy but I don't. I do go out with friends, I do things for me, but 90% of my time is with him and for hIm. I want him to act like he WANT me, not just that he NEEDS me.
I just feel so stuck. He has told me to move on, that it's ok for me to go, but I know he doesn't mean it. I love him. I want to be here for him but, god help me, where does one draw s line?
I am just happy I am not alone. Thanks to all of you who shared.

To Anon whose husband has MS:
I was surfing the web while thinking about the same issue that has preoccupied my every waking moment for at least 10 years. Should I divorce my husband or not? Is there a way to fashion a new relationship or for me to accept all his increasing disability and nasty attitude for the sake of our family, 2 daughters?
He was diasgnosed with MS around 1988 while I was pregnant with our second daughter. He has slowly progressed is now in an electric wheelchair mentally somewhat cognitively impaired but essentially still competent and intelligent.
He was an avid sailor, racing high speed trimarans and in general a risk taker. I am the conventional working person who kept it together all these years. He was productive managing property we own but always has been 100A% for himself first at all times. He is handsome charming presenting as a warm friendly fun person to most people-not me when we are alone for long. I honestly believe there is an unacknowledged conspiracy among the healthcare providers to hide deny express the very real fact that MS often changes personality, changes in the brain or psychological need create an extreme lack of insight, ability to plan, lack of empathy -reduced "executive" function. Not dementia but mild to moderate cognitive impairment that wreaks havoc on communications, future planning, cause a lot of rage in both the patient and the family especially spouse. At the same time the MS patient receives attention, care, sympathy, empathy, lots of offers of assistance etc. I have put up with way too much abuse believing he is worth it as he still father of our daughters and we have already made it so many years.
I have made stupid decisions about this marriage. I should have divorced long ago, accepted the fallout, been honest with myself and allowed our daughters to face reality, too. I am 66, lonely, financially ok, living in my own house seeing husband frequently pretending we are still a couple. Every moment all he thinks or talks about is himself, not complaining about symptoms but talking about his inventive ways of dealing with impairment and charming others to provide him with services, household chores, and now probably driving. I have every possible symptom of depression and anxiety. I seem immobilized and and I guess frightened to start divorce process now although I will be financially compromised if this goes on. I wish he would have another serious accident and end up in some facility because otherwise he will continue to drive, spend money, sail and have accidents eventually maybe seriously injuring someone other than himself. Friends have refused to drive with him for many years.

I am still trying to manage this because our younger daughter has suffered with mental illness diagnosed last year in college. It has added an extreme weight on me as I worry what will happen if I die. She is very sensitive an worried about her dad. I believe he plans on capturing her to be his caregiver when and if she cannot work or be independent.

I think if a peron is good, kind generous and caring having MS would still be a major relationship challenge. BUT if it was difficult before all the problems will be magnified. Get out while you are still able to take a shower get out of bed and maybe read a book.

It is a miracle that I happen to find your story today! I too am "stuck" in a relationship I am not happy in. I have dated this man for almost 6 years now. He is a once successful businessman with quite a selfish attitude. He lost everything when the economy hit bottom. (this is when I met him) He was at that time recovering from a horrible motorcycle accident that nearly took his life. For the last 4 years, he has been very ill and finally went to the doctor and received a COPD diagnosis...stage 4. He has done remarkably well, considering how many times he has been hospilized and near death. In and out of the hospital, meds, O2 etc...

I was ready to leave this time last year when he suffered a terrible accident in a fire. He had 3-4 degree burns on 25% of his body. We spent months in the burn unit, me taking care of him at home....him invading our lives.....
We have no sex life except for 2-3 times a year for a few seconds. I can't hardly bring myself to kiss him at this point and I just want out. I have gained 30 lbs in the last year, 50 since we met. My life is completely different than it use to be and I want it back!

What kind of person would I be to walk away and let this man die alone? Broken hearted? He has grandchildren I love. How do you explain? (I am 47, he is 54) I was planning my breakup to happen today when I found your response by shear accident! Your story is the only one that has ever some close to my situation! How do you deal with the guilt of just walking away????

My heart goes out to all of you. But I have a huge problem and would like some advice. My boyfriend of 8 years just told me that he loves me so much that he can't watch me be sick he can't watch me cry myself to sleep or the doctor poke and hurt me me more. That he has held it in for the last 3 years and it has made him sick. I dont know what i want in my life from a career to dog to kids to not putting everyones elses weight and on my sholder. what can be done, cause in my mind you went from my girl my (anonymous )to a fragile china doll. That i can't even touch . I'm sorry I know you deserve better and someone who doesn't look at u with fearful tears. I don't know what to say or think or anything at the moment. But I am 27 and he is 31 we were suppose to get married this year. I don't know what happened.