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my boyfriend doesn't want to have sex very much. why?

By February 19, 2011 - 2:02pm
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me and my boyfriend have been dating for 9 months. at first, things were perfect. we had sex 2-4 times/week. that's great for me. over the last few months, it's declined to about twice/month. i love my boyfriend so much, and i know that he loves me just the same. i've talked to him about it. he said that he thinks of sex as something very special(which, it is), and that he doesn't want it to just become a passtime, by f***ing all the time. he says that he respects me too much to just f***.

i don't want to just do that though. i want to do what we've been doing. why can't every time be special? and there are sometimes, like in the morning, when i just want a quickie. but if i touch him, he will laugh and push my hands away, like "what are you doing?". he's a wonderful man and makes me so happy. i don't get why he doesn't want me, like i want him. he says that he finds me incredibly attractive but he never acts on it. i'm always the one initiating. i don't want to hurt his feelings or make him think he's inadequate. we have amazing sex, when we do. i just want to do it more, and i want for him to want to. i don't want him to feel like he HAS to.
i just feel really unwanted, eventhough i know that isn't true. it's still not a nice feeling. i don't really know what else to do?

thanks for any feedback :)

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If you want to have sexual intercourse 2-4 times per week, and he wants to have sexual intercourse 2 times per month, I am not sure why you are jumping to the conclusion that "he doesn't want you", or that he feels like he "has to" have sex with you (like it is a chore).

What if the problem just lies in the fact that you two have different preferences for quantity of sex?

If you reframe this problem using this perspective, can you come up with some possible solutions (without the hurt feelings). Talk with him about what you need and why; ask (and listen) to what he needs and why. A few possible remedies:
1. Sexual intercourse once/week (compromise for both of you).
2. Sexual intercourse twice/week (his preference) PLUS more physical intimacy in other ways for you twice/week (you would have to be specific what would satisfy your need for closeness with him)

It's important to look at why you each have your preferences in the relationship, knowing that sex is going to ebb-and-flow with time.

You can use this time to create a strong foundation in your relationship through communicating effectively about a difficult issue, learning to compromise, helping to fulfill each other's needs...while also realizing this person is not placed on the planet with the mission to fulfill your needs (said tongue-in-cheek).

In other words...you need to fulfill your own needs as well by doing things you love, being busy with friends and hobbies and other interests. Having sex 4 times a week takes a lot of time and energy, and a healthy relationship DOES include time apart, time with friends, time spent alone, time working/studying...there are many things to do that having sex frequently may detract from other life goals.

Additionally, if you are needing more bonding, physical intimacy or feeling of closeness, there are many ways to create intimacy between two people rather than "just sex". Ask him what creates intimacy for him; when does he feel closest to you...is it when you two are having sex, when you two are laughing, when you two are having an intellectual conversation...there is lots to talk about!!

February 20, 2011 - 8:53am
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