Facebook Pixel

My boyfriend has lost interest in sex.

By April 12, 2010 - 3:10pm
Rate This

I am 20 years old and my boyfriend is about to turn 37 years old. We have been together for 2 years now, we live together and everything, have lived together for about the entire 2 years of us dating. In the begining of our relationship we had sex alot! And it was always him initiating it and he was soo affectionate and It made me feel so sexy and good about myself. I really felt like I hit the jackpot a guy that was loving affectionate very sexually interested in me. He made me feel like a princess. Now I know that he still loves me very very very much things are just different and its hard. I know things wont be in the honeymoon stage forever but we are running on about 3 weeks of no sex now and Im a very sexual person. Im sorry but I like sex and I would like it about twice a week. He is very stressed so I know that is a factor. He has some personal issues that prevent him from being very affectionate all the time. Just recently he realized how the things going on with him have been affecting me and I havent been happy and he tried ending the relationship because he felt I wasnt happy and deserved better. Im not as happy as I used to be thats true, we have things to work on but I love him and want to be with him and want to fix this. He has agreed to go to counseling and is on a waiting list to do so. So thats good I can see that he is trying but not having sex is making me feel undesirable, unattractive and just really low about myself. I know that he is stressed so I tried not to mention it or bring it up and to let him just work things out. However then it got out of hand. 3 weeks seems like a long time for me and is longer then we have ever gone before. It worries me bacause I have heard many stories about his past. He cant even count the number of sexual partners he has had. I have heard stories of him having sex with 4 different women in the same day. I understand that he is older now and his sex drive may be lowering but I just wonder. He used to obviously really like sex and even with me and now its just stopped. If I dont mention it there is no telling how long he could go without it. We have had many many conversations about it and I think he wants to change it but just cant because of stress or whatever reason. Now however when I mention it he gets a little defesive and says " you think I dont know that this is a issue, you act like I dont know that" and I tell him I know he is aware and we have discussed it before but I feel like if I dont mention it then it goes untalked about and nothing is resolved. It has come to the point were I am masterbating now, which I NEVER used to because im sexually frustrated which I dont like, it isnt satisfying really to me but I have to do something. I dont even initiate things with him anymore because I know more likely then not I will be rejected and I hate that feeling. I try and talk myself into initiating it and then I get scared and dont. I just miss the intimacy with him so much. Im just at a loss right now and would really like anyone's opinions or input on this situation. But please if your input is that he is cheating then I dont want to hear it. Not that im in denial that this could be and issue but Im just pretty positive that isnt it so dont even mention it please. I just need a little advice. Thank you.

Add a Comment26 Comments

EmpowHER Guest

I'm male and around that age, and my libido is not anywhere close to when I was 20. Hopefully you were able to adjust to a lower amount of sex or you found an age-appropriate boyfriend.

October 16, 2016 - 6:13pm
EmpowHER Guest

im 22 and my boyfriend is 35 i feel the same as you that he has lost all interest in me we tend to fight alot about it sometimes i feel he will leave me because we argue so much sometimes the arguing becomes so much for me that i tend to drink and it dont take much for me to be drunk and being epileptic dont help much either how can i get him interested i feel worthless that something is wrong with me

August 26, 2015 - 4:26am
EmpowHER Guest

Yes this is a problem for my girlfriend. We went at it quite often. Then I had 'performance' issues which caused me to become frustrated, and so I would literally just become depressed and hate myself. We didn't have sex for a month after that, and then it never recovered. the issue is a bit physical, meaning, she is very 'small' and I am for lack of a better term, 'springy' which means I must reach a high level of 'hardness' to uh 'make it happen.' it seems like I get one chance, and then some psychological thing sets it, and then (cue sound effect), but it's really not funny at all, because we both want to, but our bodies won't cooperate.

I did have some Viagra for a short period which eliminated the problem, but you can't depend on that forever. I'm 30, she's 25.

Also she's bipolar, so she goes through periods of not wanting it, and then suddenly wanting it all the time, and I've developed some kind of aversion to it, because I'm afraid of the performance failure outcome.

In addition, there is the self-image problem. I have psoriasis, which over the past year has worsened to 'sensitive' areas, and it has a devastating effect on one's feeling of attractiveness and there is no cure.

I did previously have a problem with pornography, it's easily accessible and if you become accustomed to masturbating, you will become 'asexual' and then have to slowly cross the bridge back to your partner by ridding yourself of video porn.

We both have mild depression and don't take any medication.

Another thing problem is 'overexposure'. My partner and I both work-at-home, entrepreneurial types, so i'm always here. She's almost always here. In fact, it's very rare that she's ever alone. If she leaves, she sees students. When she comes home, I'm here. When I leave for a couple of weeks and come back, we have sex like we first met. Also, my girlfriend is very touch-feely, so she's in constant contact with me, and sometimes too much physical contact dissolves the sexual tension that needs to build up for a performance.

Also, neither of us have had sex very much and quite frankly aren't very good at it.

Lastly, she complains of pain every time we do it - This is because of an existing gynecological condition which she doesn't want to get treatment for. Her vagina is very small, so it can develop yeast infection easily, and she can only tolerate sex for about five minutes. So, seeing her in pain, over a period of time kind of acted as a deterrent.

So, here you have eight detrimental factors: Male performance frustration/anger, biological impedence, skin condition, general depression, bipolar disorder, overexposure and vaginal pain.

And yet, we still manage to have sex once in a blue moon. Usually in the morning.

Sometimes men are so focused on a project or work, that sex doesn't even enter their mind. But, it doesn't mean you're any less attractive, nor does their inability to gain erection mean this, sometimes it's just a confluence of factors, and all you can do is keep trying and trying.

But definitely make sure your man cuts down on porn, or at least watch it with you, if you permit, so he doesn't leave you for his laptop.

Occasionally my girlfriend just kind of attacks me out of nowhere, and at first I resist, because I'm worried about the expectation and the cooperation required, but I'm always glad she did.

May 22, 2011 - 10:55pm
EmpowHER Guest

Hi Anonymous,
You are certainly not alone as you can tell. Communication is key to any issue in a relationship and speaking about this amongst each other will certainly benefit each other. Good luck.


January 30, 2011 - 10:27am
EmpowHER Guest

Hey, I know exactly what you are saying! Me and my bf have been together for 2 years and im 18 and he is 20. We use to have sex all of the time,and as u said in your story, I have heard of his past sexual relationships and he can't even count how many girls he has slept with. Which means he has had many! We use to have sex like 3 or four times a day! now its like once every other month! I got use to the sex and the feeling, the lust and love. All of that made me feel so good, so loved, on top of the pleasure. I try and try to talk to him and all he says is Im tired of sex, ive had it so much i just don't want to anymore! WTF kind of stuff is that? Guys that age only think about sex! And like you I know for a face he is not cheating! We live together! I have tried everything! I tried not wanting it, ignoring him, tried turning him on, tried everything that use to. Now im stuck with masturbating! I dont do that! Never have! Now Im stuck with it! im not a hoe. I have only had sex with him and one other before i met him. But damn i feel ugly now which i know is not the cause of this! I know for a face that he is not cheating because that one time a month i do get him to have sex with me he cums within 2 minutes. So i am very sexually frustrated. Not only because i have to beg him for it, but when I do get it he cums so FAST!

January 24, 2011 - 8:12pm
EmpowHER Guest

I'm going through that exact situation now. My bf and I have been dating for about 5 months now and our sex life faltered after 1month. He's had a highly sexed past and is very open about it. He is very in love with me and demonstrates it regularly but he has some deep seated issue regarding sex. He is seeing a counsellor and may switch to a sex physiologist. I love him to death but I'm trying to keep a grip on reality that this may not work out. For now I help myself out and have faith that things will get better....but if they don't i know for my on personal happiness I will have to leave. It will be very painful but no relationship can last like that.

GOODLUCK, i totally know what you're going through.

January 1, 2011 - 10:27pm
EmpowHER Guest

This is a great statement, Tiff. I know in my life, I have noticed that when I am positive, positivity follows me. If I am miserable, it appears that the saying misery loves company seems to follow. Try and remain positive and others will follow. Good luck!

November 27, 2010 - 11:01am
EmpowHER Guest

i feel the same way in the relationship im in.he doest ever do the things he used to.i just no he doest want to have sex and he only does it with me so that i dont feel bad.he dont even get into it like he used to.he barely ever touches me anymore.i just feel as if he doest care anymore and that my body just isnt good enough anymore.i understand the way you feel

November 23, 2010 - 12:54pm
(reply to Anonymous)

You can never think you are not good enough. You start thinking that way then you will feel that way. think nothing less than you are amazing and sexy and wonderful.

November 23, 2010 - 2:47pm
(reply to Anonymous)

This has nothing to do with your body not being good enough anymore; it has everything to do with you making a choice to be with someone who may not be as "into" the relationship as you are.

If you feel your boyfriend does not care anymore, why are you still dating him? You have the choice to find a boyfriend who does care about you, right?

Are you happy with yourself? Do you find things you enjoy, and spend time with people who bring out the best in you?

November 23, 2010 - 1:32pm
Enter the characters shown in the image.
By submitting this form, you agree to EmpowHER's terms of service and privacy policy
Add a Comment

All user-generated information on this site is the opinion of its author only and is not a substitute for medical advice or treatment for any medical conditions. Members and guests are responsible for their own posts and the potential consequences of those posts detailed in our Terms of Service.

Sexual Health

Get Email Updates

Resource Centers

Related Checklists

Sexual Health Guide

HERWriter Guide

Have a question? We're here to help. Ask the Community.


Health Newsletter

Receive the latest and greatest in women's health and wellness from EmpowHER - for free!