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First off, I am 38 and my boyfriend is 22. He is an old soul, I am a young one. I am getting ready to move to Seattle to move in with my boyfriend. I am overweight. In the beginning of our relationship - we met on a video game - I didn't take him seriously because of his age and distance and kept him at bay. Also because I didn't take him seriously, I sent him older pictures of me. When things began to take a turn and I started to have feelings for him, I came clean. He said it didn't matter to him. When we met for the first time, things were great. But he did say to me that my weight is an issue for him and he found himself not attracted to my weight, but he loved everything else about me. He has been encouraging with the weight loss. My problem is...as accepting as he as been with my weight....I feel the absence of his affection. He tells me if he wants more of my affection, I need to lose the weight.
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Hi,
Are you OK? You sound like you are very sad, since you said "all of this writing has made you realize your insecurities about your weight...make you clingy...".
Do you think maybe, perhaps, some of your insecurities are also making you not just clingy, but feeling like you are lucky to find a man who loves MOST of you, and that you're worried you can't find a man who loves ALL of you?
Have you considered talking with a therapist about this? I really don't think it's sweet that he calls you to wake you up to go exercise, and that's he's proud of you when you workout even though you don't feel well. Is he proud of you for other accomplishments, too, and does he tell you this often?
Since there is a weight issue between you two, I would at least tell him that he has made it clear that he can't be attracted to you while you are overweight, and that your weight is no longer "on the table" for discussion. You can assure him, once, that you are working on becoming healthier, and that there are other things to talk about (more exciting things, hopefully!).
How much weight does he want you to lose...do you have a goal so you know when you have reached it in his eyes? How much weight do you want to lose? Are you seeing a nutritionist, personal trainer, or other professional to help?
June 14, 2009 - 6:55pmThis Comment
Dear Gemlovestravel:
Please take my advice in that you should "run to your car-don't walk". I feel uniquely qualified to dole out this advice in that I have battle my weight my entire life and have had to deal with issues of not feeling attractive enough due to my weight. I'm 45, very happily married for 18 years but before I got married I was typically 50 pounds over weight. Even with my weight issues I had pretty good self-esteem, enjoyed life, loved to laugh and make others laugh as well. Additionally I did not let my weight get in the way of living and surrounding myself with people who appreciated me for who I was not just solely my weight. Although I was not always the first one asked to dance, I always seem to have a steady stream of boyfriends who were fun and respected and enjoyed being with me. I do remember dating a man who told my friend that my stretch marks bothered him and needless to say that relationship ended quickly after I learned of this. People (men and women) are so much than just their appearance, and should bring other important qualities to the table like: an outstanding sense of humor, intelligence, interesting life experiences to share, easy going, flexible and on and on.
You need to have more faith and believe in yourself. Don't send old pictures of yourself, send current ones and that will help guide you to some one who is much more interesting and not so shallow! If you loose weight, do it for yourself, not any one else. I would suggest you don't move in with him and instead find some one who does not put so much importance on some thing as silly as your weight. One last thought.....just because you are over weight does not mean you are not sexy, or not good in bed. I have seen many over weight women and men who have amazing sex appeal and it's all in the way they carry themselves, as well as what comes out of their mouth, not typically the number on their scales.
Much Success,
Kelley
June 14, 2009 - 4:17pmThis Comment
I agree with AlisonB. And also wonder how well you really know each other? Have you been living in different cities all this time? Is your relationship mostly over the phone and e mail? Have you ever had sex?
June 14, 2009 - 3:27pmI agree that the main problems are not his lack of attraction to you but how well you even know each other for you to risk moving for him? Also, do you really fancy him? You are focusing on what he wants not what you want.
Too many women try to become what they think a man wants them to be and it rarely works out....if you loose weight, he may then find another "problem" with you.
Do you want to move to Seattle for yourself first and foremost? It's one thing to move for a man if you have already got an established relationship but another to do so on a whim. You can do better.
If you loose weight it should be for you and your health. If you move, it should be for you also.
This Comment
Hi,
Your last question is perhaps the most relevant:
"So, do I trust that the attraction will come back?"
From what you stated in your question, I did not read that there was ever attraction in the first place.
I am so sorry to be blunt about this, but you have made so many excuses for your boyfriend...reasons that he shouldn't love you, treat you with affection, find you desirable. Weight is not the issue. Please know this. Your weight is not the issue.
You said you are getting ready to move to Seattle, and move in with your boyfriend. Why? Do you have friends, family or a career waiting for you there? What do YOU want in a relationship, and why do you feel that you do not deserve to get it? You sound extremely intelligent, and the words you've chosen suggest that you DO know what you want in a relationship, however, you are not getting it currently in this relationship...and you think moving closer and moving in with your boyfriend will create what you are looking for.
Have you played devil's advocate with yourself? What if you were 10, 20, 30 pounds lighter. Would your boyfriend magically be attracted to you, and you would no longer feel alone in the relationship? What if he is still not attracted to you? This is a real possibility; your bf may be hoping that he would be attracted to you (I assume you have a lot in common otherwise), "if only you would....". What if his list of requirements never ceases? A healthy relationship starts with not having a list of requirements for the person to change.
I am not sure if you can change your plans to move, or if you even want to, but have you considered a half-way point? Moving to Seattle, but not moving-in with him? It sounds like you also need some time to learn and believe that you are worthy and deserving of all the love, affection, passion, romance, trust, fun, joy and respect of any woman (without question or excuses) of a healthy relationship...no matter what her weight, height, hair color, skin color, eye color, dress size, bust size...you name it.
What are your thoughts on this?
June 14, 2009 - 3:14pmThis Comment