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I suppose the answer to the other woman will suffice, because our situations are so similar, but I would really like to offer sympathy and validate her feelings of feeling repulsive when treated this way. I am in my late 40s, considered attractive and in good shape. I have a career, friends, one child (college) - so I am "normal." When dating for 6 months, my husband frequently commented on my appearance (in a good way) and wanted to be very intimate. Just 7 weeks after the ceremony...nothing. It's now been 2 years, and we've only had sexual relations 3 times. The last time was 14 months ago.
Is there anything else to be done????
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I am sorry that your husband is unable to communicate with you, and even more importantly, that he is lacking the empathy toward your pain and sadness. This is the most crucial point in your original question...whether the topic be about sex, finances, child-rearing, elderly care, major medical trauma...it is scary to think that he will not listen or speak with you about your concerns now, and I wonder how he is with other topics? Does he consistently show his displeasure through sarcasm and refusing to problem-solve on other topics, or sex only? Can you look down the road, and see if he would also refuse to communicate and show little/no empathy towards other concerns...say if there were a crisis when you needed him most?
We can all guess and wonder what the issue is (sexual dysfunction, affair, loss-of-interest, low sex drive, etc., etc.) but without his desire to communicate openly and honestly with you...we are unable to read his mind and understand his specific fears and concerns. This is the most concerning part of the relationship.
Hopefully this will help, from our sexual health expert, Dr. Marty Klein: Married for 18 years and sex nonexistent; what should I do?.
Please let us know how else we can help, and what you think of Dr. Klein's post.
October 29, 2009 - 12:49pmThis Comment
Whoever wrote that nasty comment SHOULD be very ashamed...I am anon from the first response.
October 28, 2009 - 10:56pmIt's interesting how people can be so cruel when they don't have to sign their name.
I feel so sad for you that you thought you had found someone special and are now finding out that he has issues...strange that he should have issues with your having a grown child. He knew you did when you met, right?
Do you think there is any way he might think of councelling if he knew you may leave him?
I am wondering why he wanted to get married if he didn't really want you...it doesn't quite make sense.
Is there a way you could try to tlak to him? Maybe write him a letter, telling him how he is hurting you? Sometimes writing can be easier than talking.
This Comment
Wow! I am sorry...it sound like he doesn't even want to try to fix things...this is sad. but it's not your fault..he is obviously hiding something and or has issues.
October 28, 2009 - 4:22pmSadly, you can't drag someone to councelling. Does he know that you are thinking of breaking up with him?
Are you sure he is not gay, having an affair or using internet pornography to a level of addictive behavior?
I feel so sad for you, but you are right to get out if he won'r help you to fix things.
This Comment
Thank you so much for responding. I feel better just being able to talk about it and get some support. He has been making me feel like there is something wrong with ME for wanting an intimate relationship. Such as, when I bring it up, he'll say in a sarcastic voice "Oh, get out the calendar." Don't think I need one, right, and mean it's been summer '08?!!! I don't think he's gay, looking at porn, etc., but who really knows? He is very straight-laced and close to his parents. Never had kids. He has kind of insinuated that it is hard to feel romantic for a woman who is a mother (weird, huh?), and I have a grown child, so maybe there are some issues there. I am just going crazy trying to figure this out. I really thought I had found THE ONE.
October 28, 2009 - 5:03pmHe was married before (for 6 years, divorced 4 now) so I am curious as to their issues, but he won't really discuss it. Thanks again for your nice email.
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