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Selfish boyfriend in bed, and he wont have sex with me..what can i do?

By October 28, 2009 - 3:44pm
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My boyfriend and i have been dateing for over 3 years now, and i cant remember when was the last time we had sex. I have read all sorts of pages on this type of thing, but nothing seems to quite match mine. He is a wonderful person, he treats me great!, he hugs me and kisses me, tells me im pretty and everything, and were both young, but when it comes to sex it just seems he would rather me take care of him and him just forget about me. (meaning oral)
When we first started dateing he couldnt keep his hands off of me, we would fool around all the time and we would have sex at least 2 or even 3 times a week..now a days im lucky if i get it once in 3 months. I have tried telling him about the problem, asking him if he was still in love with me and thought i was pretty and everything, and bringing up the fact that we dont have sex as much anymore, and all i get is "you shouldnt base our relationship on sex," then he turns everything around makeing it seem like its all my fault.

It's not like im not willing to have sex, and he knows that, i just figure if he wanted to, wouldnt he? I just don't know what to do anymore, i have tried spicing things up and it just ends up the same way, hes happy, im not..he doesnt seem to notice and when he does, he just says "i love you" and walks away. I like to think im not ugly, but im no super model either,i take care of myself, im clean and i hate that this makes me second guess myself. Im only 20 years old and i crave that sexual intimacy that im not receiving. I dont understand why he wont have sex with me anymore and im sick of being the only one thats left unsatified and in tears. Help?

Add a Comment30 Comments

Hi, Bexiboo,

I'm not sure what to tell you here, Bexiboo.

The two of you have some serious problems right now. Yes, some may be your doing, but certainly not all. Both of you have responsibility here, and unless you both want to fix the problems, they just aren't going to get fixed.

You need to put some things in your life that do not involve him, Bexiboo. Your life revolves around him too much, and his does not revolve around you. You need to get a job, or take a class, or volunteer somewhere, and you need to do it for YOU. If he objects, too bad. You can go to a church, a library or a coffeeshop. Before you got involved with him, what did you want to do and be in your life?

Ask your mum for advice on how to get involved in some activity outside of your home. If you don't have a car, is there public transportation?

You need to be stronger here, and realize that there's nothing wrong with balance. He needs to devote a little more time to the relationship if he wants it to work. You both are going to have to take a couple of steps back and remember why you got involved in the first place -- what was it about each other that you loved? Is that there still?

December 4, 2009 - 8:36am

hi again. i wrote in the other day about my selfish boyfriend! things have got alot worse but now i feel like its me! We had a argument last night cause my mum gave me 10pounds for him to take me out for a drink ( i was over the moon) But he told me we dont have time to go out.. At the moment he works 37 hours a week and he is doing a course for counseling at night.. but he is so behind cause he spends all his time on his laptop. But last night he told me im manipulative and i never let people have there say. Now i feel awful. All i wanted was to go for 1 drink. He blamed me last night for making him move 40 miles away from his parents when he met me. But i was only 17 and did not want to move away from my mum. should i be feeling guilty and change my ways? Last night i worked myself up so much i was sick. I dont have any friends to go out with or talk to and i dont have a job so i cant get away from it! I hut my back a few days ago moving something heavy upstairs and i just wanted a break but he told me i should not sit still cause it will make it worse, 3 days later after moving round alot its got worse! Please help!

December 3, 2009 - 3:21am

Thanks for your help! I will deffinately look into the university option. I would rather not use his benifits and I don't even know how much is covered.
I can't believe I let it get this far, I guess I just kept thinking that he is changing me for the better, and maybe he is but I can't help but feel that I'm losing myself. I never thought I would be the one to end up in an abusive relationship....

December 2, 2009 - 7:21am

Thanks so much for your link, however the cheapest one I could find was 70-100 dollars for one session. I really want to see someone but I am worried about the cost, I would not want to go to a cheaper one and risk not getting the proper guidance and help. How do you know that someone is guiding you in the right direction? How can I tell if someone is actually helping, and that I am not just switching from filtering through my bf to filtering through my therapist?

December 1, 2009 - 1:55pm
(reply to lonesome1)

Yes, most psychologists will cost around $100 per hour, but some offer services on a sliding-scale fee basis, if you are not going through insurance (there is a "self pay" discount of about 20% on medical services that you may ask about).

How to know if you are choosing the right therapist? This is such a great question, because we do not want to become emotionally dependent on our therapist if this is the exact "problem" we are trying to correct in our current relationships.

First of all, since you are so self-aware of your tendencies and sound mature enough to verbalize this as a potential problem-area, then you may not need to worry about this as much as you are. Talk with your therapist about this concern, too.

The American Psychological Association (APA) has a few questions to ask a potential therapist, to gauge if they are "right" for you:
- What areas do you specialize in (i.e., family therapy, marriage counseling, etc.)?
- What kind of treatment do you usually use, and why do you feel this would be effective for my situation?
- How long would you expect my treatment to last?

You will probably want to call at least 3 therapists who meet your criteria (credentials, experience, philosophy/modality used, word-of-mouth reference, rapport over the phone, fees, location, etc.). Once you talk with each of them on the phone, you will have a better sense of who is a good fit; and even after meeting with them a few times, you may want to try another therapist..this is OK!

A good therapist is not someone who will tell you what to do, try to control you, manipulate you, or demand your emotional energy. They there primarily to provide support, guidance, questions and to listen non-judgmentally. A "real" relationship is not able to provide this type of one-sided attention. You will know if the therapist is "good" if they are frustrating at times; you want him/her to tell you what to do, or tell you what you want to hear...but they will instead ask more questions, provide their perspective and ask you to comment. A good therapist will also tell you their philosophy or treatment modality which is important: how do they treat different conditions, how long does treatment last, how do they know if there is improvement. There should be a clear end to the therapist-client relationship, or a clear marker of improvement...and this is very different from an emotional intimate relationship.

I hope this helps to answer some of your questions on if a therapist is actually "helping" or not. Let me know how else I can help!

Another cheaper alternative: do you live near a University? Many colleges and universities offering degree programs in psychology have individual and group counseling sessions at a HUGE discount for the students who need "clinic time" (basically practicing on clients), and they do meet the credential criteria, and have a Psychologist reviewing their cases. Just another option for you.

December 1, 2009 - 3:28pm


Here's what your post makes me think about: That he's trying to control you. He may not even know it, but he is. And trying to control another person -- by restricting what they do, belittling their thoughts and behaviors, and turning every argument around so it focuses on the other person -- is emotional abuse. They never let you have the last word, and they never let you be right.

And you have been in this place long enough, Lonesome1, that you are filtering EVERYTHING through what your boyfriend thinks. That tells me that there's something very unbalanced here in this relationship. It is nowhere near equal. You've lost yourself, and he prefers it that way.

Please go read this page about emotional abuse:


Please consider getting that therapy for yourself. What therapy will do for you is help you to understand who you are and where you are. It will give you some self-esteem back and it will give you someone you can trust from the outside world to bounce things off of. You want a therapist who will discuss things with you and help you see them in a different light. You will probably find that you are wrong about some things and your boyfriend is wrong about some things -- that's the way it goes. But understanding things at their core is the most freeing thing you can imagine.

It's especially important since you don't have anyone you feel you can talk to about this. It seems like one way or another, all these "normal" options have been cut off for you. I want you to be able to explore that with someone in a non-threatening situation.

Will you consider this? Do you have insurance, or can you afford to see someone? If you can't, please let us know your city and state, and we can help put you in touch with some resources that will help.

Take care, and please write back.

December 1, 2009 - 10:48am
(reply to Diane Porter)

Thanks again, I am almost in tears just thinking about this. I think your right that I filter everything through what he thinks and that I have lost myself and that makes me really sad. I can't even understand how I let this happen. I want to see a therapist but the only insurance I have is through him and it doesn't provide very much coverage. I live in Toronto, ON Canada so I don't know if you can still help with resources or not.

December 1, 2009 - 11:33am
(reply to lonesome1)

Here is a great credible resource for you, in order to find a qualified therapist in Toronto, ON Canada: Psychology Today: Find a Therapist (in Toronto).

Please let us know if there is anything else we can do!

December 1, 2009 - 12:41pm

I am having the exact same problem with my boyfriend. We have been together for about 3.5years and for the first year an a half things were great. We had an excellent sex life and we were happy, we had moved in together and go a puppy and we were doing really well and were geniunely happy. Then out of no-where he decided that he didn't want to have sex anymore until we were married because of religious reasons. He took me out to dinner and told me and said he would understand if I wanted to leave. I told him I would not leave and that I would stick by him and we would get through it. However, every once in a while we would let things get out of control and we would "slip up". Then about 6 months later he asked me to marry him and I said that I thought we should try and get more established before marrige and that we were too young ( I was 21 and he was 23 and we were both in debt and were renting). This turned into a big fight that went on for days. Him saying that it didn't matter how old we were because we loved each other and we always would. He was saying that my desire for "things" was affecting my decsion and that I should only care about marrying him and not about how I do it. He told me that if I wouldn't marry him I may as well call it quits. He said that the only reason I wouldn't was because I wanted to hang on to the ability to just leave him if I change my mind about how I feel and then I would be wasing his time. So I agreed to marry him and since have actually wanted it, but it seems like since I have agreed he doesn't feel that it is an urgent matter anymore and is no longer in a rush to get married. Then about 3 months ago we "slipped up" and the next morning he told me that he feels we are "already married" and that we only need the ceremony for legality as we are committed to one another and sharing everything and living together. So we started having sex again and only when I initiated and he felt like it so there were alot of times where I initiated but he didnt feel like it so after a long time of me trying to initiate sex and getting rejected I started feeling low about myself and I had found in our search history alot of porn and when I asked him about it he got mad and defensive I tried to explain to him that i was upset because I was always ready and willing to have sex but he always rejects me then watches this porn and looks at pictures of actresses naked and that hurts my self esteem and makes me feel less than. When I told him this he blamed me and said it was my own issues that made me feel that way not anything he was doing and that I had to deal with that. then later he confessed a porn addiction to me we watched a video together and there has been no talk sense. and anytime I try to bring it up he says I am throwing it in his face and that he will deal with it he has been this way since a very young age and it is not up to me to figure it out for him. He just thought I should know what he was struggling with and then leave him to his vices? So about 2 months ago he told me that he missed our old sex life and that he wanted it back the way it was. I used to be very enthusiastic and always initiating the sex but now I am having trouble being that way because of being rejected and walking on eggshells within our sexual relationship for the last year. I did however suggest that we visit an adult store together and pick out some toys and things he would like to see me in and he told me it was my responsability to figure those things out. So I have been trying to initiate sex every nite for the last month and have gotten no response I have bought sexy lingere and wore it in front of him to no avail. I even sent him a very spicy sexy email about what I wanted to do to him while I was at work and he was home.(i did this b/c we used to text sexy msgs back and forth all the time in the early relationship and I thought I could bring it back.) I know he read it but he didn't respond or show any sign of wanting me to act it out. Also he never initiates sex!, also he never touches me in desire like he used. Like if i was washing the dishes he would come up behind me and slap or grab my butt but he hasn't done this in years. I cannot even remeber the last time we had an open mouth kiss. even when we are having sex he barely kisses me. He also seems very distant when he hugs me sometimes and I try to kiss his neck and he laughs and pulls away. He also showers with the door locked and I can't seem to remeber if he has always done this or not. I ask him to shower with me and he wont. I ask him have a weekend getaway just the two of us and he says we can't afford it even when we can. He is more picky and irritable with me, we fight over the most stupid things. He calls me a liar constantly and I don't lie to him. He condems me for liking girly shows and says they are mindless as well as reading fiction. he says they are just stories nothing in them matters. Like last nite we were talking about somehting he heard on the news about the Whitehouse crashers and said they were from the show "the real-housewives of DC" but didn't have any political affiliations. And I said it's not First-Wives its Housewives. and he was like I know but of DC and doesn't that make you think Politics. I said no because of the other housewives shows such as New York and Orange County and then he said I dont think your right google it i watch the news! as if him watching the news somehow puts him above me on knowing whats going on. We have talked about the sex many times and nothing seems to be working. I am at my wits end and am tired of feeling so lonely. I fall asleep in the bed next to him feeling as if I am all alone. I'm sorry for the long msg but I just wanted to get the full picture. and I am sorry if I am all over the place with it but I had alot of stuff I had to get off my chest.

November 27, 2009 - 11:46am
(reply to lonesome1)


Welcome to EmpowHer, and thank you so much for writing. I appreciate your giving us the full picture, and I know it wasn't easy to write.

For a moment, let's put the porn aside. Just for a moment. Let's look at the rest of the relationship.

You've been together 3.5 years, so by my math that's since you were about 17 and he was about 20, is that about right? That's very young to get into the major relationship of your life, lonesome. You were perfectly right in wanting to make sure that things are right before you commit to marry. I understand how the pressure made you give in, but before that, I want to applaud you on your instinct to get some primary issues sorted out before marriage. Not just debt, but partners also need to agree on things like children, religion, their careers and so on.

You say the religious reasons came "out of nowhere." Do you have any hint of where they started? Is it a religion he grew up in, or one he recently converted to? Was sex the only thing that changed here, or did he also start going to church or observing other religious customs? I ask because I'm trying to learn why it was important enough to him at this point to change a very important part of your life as a couple together. It's hard to embrace abstinence when you have already been sexually active with someone, so clearly it must have meant something to him.

When he said you either needed to marry him or call it quits, do you have a sense of whether he really meant that, or was just trying to manipulate you? Someone who really loved you would have listened to your concerns and tried to talk about them and help solve them, not throw them back in your face. It sounds to me like you were trying to be responsible about debt and the future and that it hit a sore spot with your boyfriend. (Maybe at that point, he saw getting married as a chance to get back to a normal sex life?)

And then when you said OK and the rush suddenly was off, this causes me to want to take three steps back. To me, this feels very manipulative and somewhat passive-aggressive behavior on his part. Of course I only have your side of it, and I don't know what other pressures he might have been under at the time. But you have to ask yourself whether this is the kind of relationship you want to live with for the rest of your life: argumentative, and somewhat cold.

So even without the porn, Lonesome1, this doesn't feel very promising.

Now, let's get back to the porn. In addition to all of the above, he has a problem with porn. The great news is that he told you about it and that he's admitted to you (and to himself) that he has a problem. The bad news is that now he needs some sort of help for it, and it doesn't sound like he wants to pursue that. Women in porn films and pictures are always willing and available, and they don't talk back. They don't talk about financial issues or family issues or whether someone took out the trash. They are simply there for gratification, and then they go away. And the worrisome thing is that an addiction can get worse and worse until it destroys almost everything in a person's life, if they let it.

Do you think he is serious about getting help? I would be glad to refer you to some websites if you think he might be interested in them, but it sounds like he made it sort of clear that he's not interested. Do you consider leaving? Would he consider seeing a counselor?

I know this all seems like a bit of a mess right now, but see it clearly: A man who used to be loving and kind has become irritable and unkind. A man who used to have a good sex life with you is now immersed in porn. A man who wanted to marry you now seems to think the entire thing is devalued. And a man who says religion is important to him is spending his life with porn.

Seen that way, I want to tell you to think about what's best for YOU. Not him, and not the relationship, but for YOU. Do you have friends that you talk to about this? Would you consider going to therapy for yourself to help you sort out what you want in life?

I can tell that at 21, you are thoughtful, responsible and a very caring soul. Do not tether yourself forever to someone who seems to be toxic right now. And figure out a way to take care of YOU, first.

Please write back and tell me a little more about the questions I've asked. And know that you are not alone, Lonesome1.

November 30, 2009 - 8:23am
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