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Selfish boyfriend in bed, and he wont have sex with me..what can i do?

By October 28, 2009 - 3:44pm
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My boyfriend and i have been dateing for over 3 years now, and i cant remember when was the last time we had sex. I have read all sorts of pages on this type of thing, but nothing seems to quite match mine. He is a wonderful person, he treats me great!, he hugs me and kisses me, tells me im pretty and everything, and were both young, but when it comes to sex it just seems he would rather me take care of him and him just forget about me. (meaning oral)
When we first started dateing he couldnt keep his hands off of me, we would fool around all the time and we would have sex at least 2 or even 3 times a week..now a days im lucky if i get it once in 3 months. I have tried telling him about the problem, asking him if he was still in love with me and thought i was pretty and everything, and bringing up the fact that we dont have sex as much anymore, and all i get is "you shouldnt base our relationship on sex," then he turns everything around makeing it seem like its all my fault.

It's not like im not willing to have sex, and he knows that, i just figure if he wanted to, wouldnt he? I just don't know what to do anymore, i have tried spicing things up and it just ends up the same way, hes happy, im not..he doesnt seem to notice and when he does, he just says "i love you" and walks away. I like to think im not ugly, but im no super model either,i take care of myself, im clean and i hate that this makes me second guess myself. Im only 20 years old and i crave that sexual intimacy that im not receiving. I dont understand why he wont have sex with me anymore and im sick of being the only one thats left unsatified and in tears. Help?

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EmpowHER Guest

My boyfriend and I of 3 years have had trouble in the bedroom. We are both 40, I've been married and he has not. He needs to be stimulated by erotic lotions and a hand job and I need sex. He is always touching me and trying to give me oral pleasure but I need intercourse as a finale to be satisfied. He needs lotions and he must masturbate to even stay erect and ejaculate 80% of the time. This is the only thing we argue about. I've expressed my feelings and he tried to express his but I don't think he truly understands why he's like that. And I certainly don't understand it. This could be the demise of our relationship. I truly love him, he's everything I've ever wanted except for the bedroom. Help!!!!! When we do have inter course, it's amazing. I don't want it to stop, I just want it more often.

December 13, 2015 - 9:29am
EmpowHER Guest

Hi : my name is Melissa and I am dealing with a similar situation to many of the women that have been explaining their story. I have been having intamcy issues with my boyfriend. He refuses to have sex with me and will not touch me in any sexual or romantic way. I have tried almost everything that I can think of too boost his mood or to present my self In a more sexy light !! I've prepared more healthy food for him, changed my outfits to more sexy attire, talked more dirty and constantly putting moves on him. The more I bring it up he tells me I am being selfish and we end up in an argument. I am 28 years old he is 38 years old. We have been dating for over 2 years and when we first went out are sex life was amazing. Actually the best I have ever experienced in my life. we were having sex at least 3-4 times a week & now I'm lucky if I have sex once in 3- 3 1/2 months. I recently in the past 8 months have become sober and since then are sex life has gone down hill. I'm not sure if that is related but it is a possibility. I have previously struggled with anorexia and bulimia in my early 20's and I am trying not to let this constant rejection and feeling of being unwanted & unloved effect my self esteem but I'm getting to the breaking point. I know that I can not change him but I wish there was something I can do to understand what is going on through his mind to maybe help him. Another key point to my situation is in the beginning of our relationship my boyfriend had to endure some deception from me. I had lied to him about a few things and continued to find my self lieing from time to time . I have gone to therapy and have vowed not to lie to him and keep trust and or working on trust my top priority in my relationship with him. He knows this and thru my actions I truly believe that he knows I am honest with him now, and that he knows how much I love him. & that the lieing has stopped. This may be a dumb question but I guess I am wondering if this is why he will not be intimate with me anymore, And if it is can or will it ever get better? Our relationship has been going very well since I have been sober and we get along great in all other avenues :: except sex!!
Anyways I just don't know what else to do and if this can ever be remedied, I'd do anything for him to find me attractive or want me again. Thank you to whoever read my post. It felt good to write down my frustrations.

January 29, 2012 - 3:03am
EmpowHER Guest

Hi Anonymous,
I am guessing that you are underage and are having sex in a parent's house. The smell of sex is a little confusing to me but it appears to be more of an excuse. Why not stop entertaining him? I understand two wrongs don't make a right in situations but it seems weird that all of a sudden, he doesn't want to touch you. Agree with him and stop yourself. See what happens....and keep us posted.


May 21, 2011 - 10:26am
EmpowHER Guest

me and my boyfriend have been going out for 9 months, i have started to doubt him a little bit now but deep down i love him so much it's hard to even think about not being with him. He is supportive most of the time and he tells me i'm pretty and all that (but) there are just some things that have been disturbing me.. im not sure if im overreacting because my boyfriend says i am but here goes... in bed i always give him what he wants and i get nothing in return i bring this up with him everytime and his excuses are "im too tired or we cant because then my room will smell if my parents come in"- uh even though i just gave him oral he thinks that this wont cause a "sex" smell in the room.. it really hurts me when he says these things and when i have told him he says "okay i promise next time or remind me next time" i do this and i get nothing again its so manipulative but i love him and want to please him.. he used to be all over me in the start of the relationship its like well now hes seen it he doesnt want to touch it anymore (meaning my privates) i feel very judged by this and unattractive, he always gets away with it in the end by saying i love you so much blah blah blah it makes me feel so guilty for being upset about the sex.
your advice would be highly appreciated
thanks olivia

May 21, 2011 - 6:14am

hey i have the same problem my boyfriend never wants to have sex with me he makes accuses that he doesnt want to do it in the car but we used to always.we have sex like once a month when i mention it to him he calls me a slut);; i tell him im ur gurl n i should be able to talk to him a bout it he gets all mad at me i think he cheating because he has a high sex drive n b4 we used to do it all the time n was kinda 2 much now he doesnt want to touch me like that since i rejected doing anal with him now he doesnt ask for normal sexx i want to make love but he doesnt do u think he cheating?/ plz what should i do should i play hard to gettt n not talk about this issue to him im geting sexually fustrated as well);

April 2, 2011 - 1:05am
EmpowHER Guest

I am dealing with the same thing and I'm no kid. I was in a long term marriage (34 years) with a normal great guy who passed away 5 years ago and now am with a man 12 years younger. He doesn't work, do anything around the house or in the bedroom. He is on his way out the door as I deserve better and so does everyone else with this type of boyfriend/husband. I don't need fixing. Can't change him but I can exchange him!

March 28, 2011 - 11:20am
EmpowHER Guest

Next time ur giving him oral, just slip his penis in you. You'll probably have to force him to have sex, but i dont know anyone who would complain that their girlfriend forced them to have sex. haha good luck!

August 16, 2010 - 12:55pm
(reply to Anonymous)

The "haha" in this comment suggests this was a joke, but I did want to say that forcing any man or forcing any woman to have sexual intercourse without their consent, or effectively "tricking" them into it, is not a joke. It's really not witty or funny or amusing. It is called rape, and both genders are victims of sexual molestation and rape.

Please, let's keep these suggestions helpful, supportive and healthy.

March 31, 2011 - 11:23am
EmpowHER Guest

i am having a problem me at 40 and my bf at 37 years going out 6 months and he is not sexually active as i am... it does concern me thinking he may be getting it elsewhere but i do not think so. i geniuely think he is not into sex... is that possible for a man... when we do make love i must say it is absolutely wonderful but i need it more... or is there something wrong with me maybe. we average twice a week but for me that is not near enough. Help please. Lindi

May 11, 2010 - 6:18am
(reply to Anonymous)

Hi, Lindi,

Everyone's libido is different, and everyone's levels of hormones are different, and this is clearly the case with you and your boyfriend. For some people, an average of twice a week is perfect. For others, it isn't. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with either of you!!
Have the two of you been able to talk about this? If so, what was his response? I know it's a sensitive issue, but it's clearly important to you. Unless he is depressed (which can have a serious effect on sexual desire), this is just probably his normal level of hormones and desire.
And how different are your desires? If it were up to you, how often would you have sex?

May 12, 2010 - 8:17am
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