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Significant will not have sex with me.

By March 6, 2012 - 12:16am
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I'm not really sure if I did this right... so sorry, if this is in the wrong spot...

History on boyfriend; He's 25, he's never been in any serious relationships, or in a relationship for more than a year, other than me(not that he is serious with me, but I'm the most serious he has ever had, we have been together 2 years 5 months approx.) His father was abusive to his entire family and left in his teen years. His mother since the father left has been aggressive and paranoid. He is what I would call.... depressed, and easily angered, very small petty things get him screaming and hitting walls. In the last year he hasn't worked since being fired from the job we met at, he stays in his room and all he wants to do is go online, watch movies and play video games. He sleeps 12 + hours a day, and his sleep schedule ranges from (going to bed at 4am-8am) to (waking up at 4pm-6pm) . Another He will often have mean streaks for weeks, and until I break down crying from the abuse or neglect he will not own up or say he is sorry. He also is very vain, or obsessed with how he looks, he finds himself very ugly, but this is how he feels and how he feels alone, he will spend hours in the bathroom trying to clean his face... it's pretty obsessive. I always am telling him how sexy he is, ect... ect... nothing I say to him changes his mind though. I'm giving all the support I can.

We met at a mutual job. About a month into knowing each other, we started sleeping together, which led to sex(obviously). After about 3 weeks into having sex maybe 2 times a week each he complained that he felt we have sex all the time, after he said that, I guess my confidence in asking for it and initiating it went way way down, clearly, he does not want sex as much as I do, and I wasn't about to have sex with someone who didn't want it but was doing so because he felt he should, so I stopped asking for sex, and trying to get it... ever since... we will go months, usually 1-3 not having any sex until I feel like I'm going to go nuts and bug him and bug him. Even after bugging, he lets me lead the entire thing, he just lays there... I do all the work, I give the oral, I give the kissing and touching, he doesn't touch me, he has never given me oral, he doesn't even touch my breasts, unless he's joking around about it.

I guess I just want to know, how to get him to start having sex with me, I have a very high libido, I need to be with someone who can fulfill that, but I love this man and want to give him the best chance I can. If you do think it's depression causing these problems, I want to know how I can help him. I have already tried talking to him about if he may have depression, he is like a wall, and will not talk about it. Or should I remove myself from this situation entirely and try to get on with life? I know these topics aren't fully related, I hope this wasn't to confusing to read.

I know he likes woman, I don't think he is gay.

Add a Comment2 Comments

Hey oddiumxwanderus,

Welcome to the EmpowHER community! I hope we can offer help and support.

First of all, let's address his emotional issues. I understand that you love him, and you guys have been in a relationship for a while. However, under no circumstances should he feel like he can be mean for weeks, lash out, and emotionally hurt you until the point of tears. You do not deserve that!

It sounds like he had a very troubled childhood, and of course it's natural for him to continue to be emotionally hurt and broken until he addresses the issues. If he won't open up to you about it, do you know of anyone he would? Not having a job, sleeping all day, and going through periods of anger is not a positive way to spend your life, or spend your life being around. His behavior is not healthy for either of you.

The actions you should take vary, depending on how much you want to work things out. I would first try to open up to him in more than one medium. If he doesn't like talking, try writing him a letter. If he won't open up and won't work on his stuff, then he has no business being in a relationship. Again, it's not fair to either of you. 

As for the lack of sex, I have little to no doubt that it has to do with his emotional state. You're absolutely right that these two are connected. Our emotions are so important to our physical health. There is no way you're going to get him to start having & loving sex with you unless he is suddenly over his stuff, and feeling happy, as it seems his emotions are really linked here. I think you must first address the emotions, then the physical here. Again, depending on how long you're willing to work on this.

Visit our depression page for more info that may help open things up for you: https://www.empowher.com/condition/depression

Or our sex & relationship group for support: https://www.empowher.com/groups/Sex-and-Relationships

I wish you the best. Good luck & keep us updated.



March 6, 2012 - 6:20am


*significant other will not have sex with me.

March 6, 2012 - 12:19am
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