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Why can't my partner last during sex?

By Anonymous June 7, 2010 - 10:41pm
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I've been with my boyfriend for over a year now and the sex has been great until the last few months. Now whenever we do have sex, it's a rare event. He always insinuates that he wants sex but it either never ends up happening or it ends in a minute.
It's really strange cause whenever we do other sexual things, he never has a problem. He lasts ages whenever we do anything other than actual sex. The same sort of thing happened with my last boyfriend except he just couldn't get it up at all whenever we went to have sex and not just foreplay.
Is the problem with me?

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I hope we can be of some help here. First of all, your boyfriend certainly isn't alone. Did you know that the Mayo Clinic says that as many as one out of three men experience premature ejaculation at some time?

It's absolutely wonderful that the two of you are able to talk about everything, including this. That's an awesome sign, and it will help you work through it. He is lucky to have an understanding partner.

Here is some more from the Mayo site:

"Both psychological and biological factors can play a role in premature ejaculation. Although many men feel embarrassed to talk about it, premature ejaculation is a common and treatable condition.

"Medications, psychological counseling and sexual techniques that delay ejaculation can improve sex for you and your partner. For many men, a combination of treatments works best."

You can go here; there are links down the side that lead to other pages about causes, treatments and so on:


Here's an informative page from about.com:


And I think this page may help your boyfriend see this more in context, that it happens to so many men:


Having a condition like this for a while certainly doesn't make a person dysfunctional!! Any more than not having 20/20 vision makes you dysfunctional, for instance. It's just a symptom that there's something going on, it's common, and it can go away. But the embarrassment and anxiety is probably serving only to make it worse in the meantime.

Does this help? Might your boyfriend go see a doctor to talk about this?

June 10, 2010 - 8:35am

How old is your boyfriend?
Have you and he talked about the sexual changes in your relationship?

I am unclear about what the actual circumstances are, as your information is a little vague. You are saying that he is able to have an erection, and when you are having intercourse it only lasts a minute. However, when you are physically intimate in other ways, his erection lasts the entire time.

Is this correct? The problem that you are encountering is that he is experiencing pre-mature ejaculation? You also mentioned that there may be a psychological/emotional component to this as well, as you say he "insinuates wanting to have sex, but it never ends up happening". Can you explain this further---does it not happen because he loses his erection, because he does not initiate, because you do not initiate, or other reasons?

How are other aspects of your relationship? It is important to discuss any concerns you have with your boyfriend, and we can help you with this conversation if you like. Also, I can send you information about pre-mature ejaculation if you think this is occurring (there are some techniques that help, but he would need to be willing to try them, and thus a conversation would need to happen beforehand).

Please answer some of the questions above, so we have a better idea of what is/is not happening with your boyfriend. Hope to hear back from you soon!

June 8, 2010 - 7:13pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Alison Beaver)

He is 26 years old and we have spoken about it and he has just said that he is embarrassed and sorry. He is able to keep an erection even after ejaculating. But whenever we are physically intimate, he never ejaculates unless he wants to and he could hold it off for ages and stay erect. But a soon as it turns to actual sex, as soon as he is in, he pretty much goes. After ejaculating, he is exhausted and can't keep going.
We have both been under some stress at work. But we have been talking about everything. He just says he is sorry and that he feels really down about it. I have suggested that maybe he does have premature ejaculation, but when he hears the ads on the radio and everything, he just gets real worked up and says that he isn't dysfunctional. I want to help him because it's really effecting his confidence and making him not want to do anything or get close as much anymore.
Now he just doesn't want to have sex or anything because he doesn't want to disappoint himself or me. Can you please tell me some ideas and information that could help him get his confidence back?

June 9, 2010 - 12:36am
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