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Why do I not want to have sex?

By March 30, 2012 - 2:10pm
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When my boyfriend and I started dating, I was 18 years old. And let me tell you, I always wanted sex. He could not give me enough. Every free moment was sex, sex and more sex. As we dated longer and I got a little older (19, 20) it became more loving and it wasnt all about sex. We still had sex quite often but not multiple times a day like we had been. Now at 21 years old, almost 22, I find that I dont want to have sex at all. I feel like something is wrong. I love him and I am still attracted to him but when it comes to him kissing me, or touching me, nothing happens. I dont get stimulated, I dont get aroused, nothing! We still have sex, of course because he has needs but when we do I feel like its a chore and its not something I really want to do. I want it to be over and done with in 5 minutes and ask him the whole time, "are you close, are you about to come?" Well, naturally he feels unwanted and turned off by me asking him this. I dont know whats wrong with me. I want to feel aroused, and I want to be turned on and not feel like its a "chore" or "effort" but for some reason I cant. I had more of a sex drive on birth control and anti depressants then I do now off the anti-depressants. My birth control hasnt changed in over two years. And he hasnt done anything to push me away or cause me to love him less. If anything, I love him more and want him more then ever. Whats wrong with me? Help!

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I started seeing my Psychologist again this week due to this issue. I have suffered from depression in the past and he thinks that I am still suffering even though I currently dont feel "sad" but I do feel angry and irritable. He believes this is part of the reason that I am experiencing this problem. He also believes that because I have no self esteem and so much hatred towards myself and have cheated on my boyfriend multiple times that this is also contributing. I dont personally enjoy sex and havent in a while but continue to "use" it help me "feel better." I have a lot of guilt and negative talk in my head and am unable to get "in the mood" with my boyfriend. My Psychologist said that I need to work on getting better self-esteem, decide if I really want to be with my boyfriend or not (because if I do I cant keep cheating on him) and believes that the situation could be fixed. I have engaged in a lot of high risk sexual behavior within the last year and have an appointment with my primary care doctor to get a full STD check on Tuesday as well as talking about getting back on Anti-Depressants. I realize I have to start changing and deciding what I want because the things Im doing are not fair to my boyfriend and he doesnt deserve this. I think once everything starts to get sorted out and I come to terms with myself, this problem will work itself out. For now, I have to learn how to not have random multiple sexual encounters be a symptom of my depression because ultimately it makes me feel much much worse.

April 6, 2012 - 12:01pm

Hello AFMorgan1-1,
I would really like to help you find the reason why you are no longer interested in having sex with your boyfriend.

Some commonly experienced causes of a low sex drive in women are mental health issues, such as anxiety or depression, stress, and unresolved conflicts within the relationship.

A woman's sexual desires to naturally fluctuates over the years. Highs and lows commonly coincide with the beginning or end of a relationship.

You have said that as your sex drive had gotten weaker, your love for your boyfriend has grown stronger.

Make intimacy a priority. Try a different sexual position, a different time of day or a different location for sex. If you and your boyfriend are open to experimentation, sex toys and fantasy can help rekindle your desire for sex.

Talking with your gynecologist is an option if there is a physical reason for your low sex drive. Talking with a sex therapist or counselor skilled in addressing sexual concerns can help.


March 30, 2012 - 4:45pm
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