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Why doesn't my husband want to be intimate with me anymore and what can I do?

By Anonymous March 28, 2010 - 12:05pm
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I am 30 years old and my husband is 32. We have been married for almost 6 years and have been together for almost 11 years. We were young when we met, so we had a very healthy and active sex life. Over the last few years, our sex life has greatly decreased. My husband is still affectionate towards me (hugs, holding hands, a peck), but nothing more intimate including sex. I always have to initiate and he turns me down more often than not. This constant rejection makes me feel unattractive, undesirable and distant from my husband. I take care of myself and actually look better than when we first met. My husband travels a lot for work (2/3 of the time), so I would think that he would want to be intimate with me when we see each other. He shuts down or gets defensive when I ask him about it. He did finally go to the doctor last week for a checkup and everything checked out ok. I am at a loss for what to do at this point.

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EmpowHER Guest

I’ve been with my husband for 6 years and married for two and a half. I’m 38 and he’s 47. There is zero intimacy in this relationship, never mind sex and I’m finding myself thinking more and more about divorce. We have 2 kids - my 18 year old from a previous relationship and our 4 year old.
If I initiate anything more than a peck on the cheek, the excuses start flowing - I’m tired, I’m too warm, I’ve just eaten, I’m going for a shower etc. I’ve booked hotel rooms to try and liven things up but he’s always asleep before I’ve got my coat off! So I go to the bar and get a few drinks in. Sometimes I’ll get chatted up but I’m not a cheater and always make my excuses and go back to the room and watch tv while gently seething listening to him snoring.

He’s never arranged or paid for a date night in 6 years, it’s always down to me. I’m really starting to resent him but as a stay at home mum with absolutely no income of my own, leaving is just a pipe dream. The only money I get is child benefit which is £20 a week which I’m expected to feed everyone with. None of it ever goes on my child and it’s wrong!

I couldn’t feel less desirable, attractive or wanted if I tried. I’m up at 5am every morning making his breakfast and I feel he just wants a maid to do his cooking, washing and cleaning for him. He hates interacting with our kids, he’d rather be face down in his phone.

I’m at my wits end and desperately looking for a way out of this hell. I’ve tried talking to him about this but I’m always the one “looking for problems that aren’t there”, being pushy or I’m crowding him. If I had the finances to leave I’d take my kids and go while he’s at work. I feel trapped and I feel that I don’t even know who this man is that I’ve married.

July 31, 2018 - 10:16pm
HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hello Anon

It's really important that you get a job. When does your 4 year old start school? As soon as she/he does, get a job.
Stop being a doormat for your husband, rising at dawn and cooking and cleaning. This is not a marriage - you are a live-in housekeeper who is given no respect. Try getting a work from home job right now, while your young child is still at home.

The days of women being forced to stay at home in a bad marriage are over. Contact social services or free counseling near you. There are always way to change your life and you are far too young to be trapped in this life.

Please stay in contact with us - your life is very sad right now and you deserve much, much more.

August 1, 2018 - 5:05am
EmpowHER Guest

I have been with my husband almost 6 years. Married 3 years. My husband is a bigger guy so I always figured he wasn't comfortable doing crazy things sexually. Which I was ok with. Our sex life was pretty vanilla but good in the beginning. After we got married, I mean from our wedding night (sexless) on, our sexlife is non existent. We had sex 3 times that first year. the second year I found out he has a very close relationship with a girl he works with. After doing some digging and private eyeing I found out that our timeline of no sex at all was from the day he met her. It has been 3 years since we got married and we have had sex 3 times. I am only 45, he is 46. He has tried to tell me his medication are the cause. This started before he was even taking any medication. I am at my wits end. I feel very undesireable. I feel extremely bitter. Mostly because of the work chic. I am at the point of deciding whether to end things or stick it out and be miserable. I just know I am too young for this!

April 18, 2018 - 6:48am
EmpowHER Guest

I am so in love with my husband. I feel like we are soul mates. Therefore it crushes me when he says that making love is unrealistic and only in movies. He barely even wants to have sex with me anymore and we have only been together for eight months. He keeps saying he is too tired or has a head ache. I dont know what to do. If he is really in love with me, why would he not want to show me instead of just say he loves me?

June 5, 2016 - 10:02pm
Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hello, Anon.

It's natural and normal to want to have sex with the person you love. That you feel your husband is your soulmate does not mean much in reality. It's a romantic notion that will keep you tied to a person that for some reason does not want to be intimate with you. Life is too short for women to settle for less than. That you love him doesn't necessarily make him the right person for you. You have only been married 8 months if this happening now, how will it be in years to come? Nothing is in stone. If this is not the kind of relationship you want, don't be afraid to move on.


June 8, 2019 - 6:06am
EmpowHER Guest

It won't change no matter what you do. Change your hair, change your make up, OR don't change anything. If you aren't making love after 2 years, you won't be after 25 and you still won't have an answer. You will feel bad about yourself. Don't; it is not you. Don't beat yourself up. Keep yourself healthy and beautiful for you. 75 % of the men in America are hooked on porn and can't make love to a real, live woman. The rest are on blood pressure meds, addicted to alcohol, or just too damn tired. Don't wait. If you are young, move on. Life is the blink of your eyes. If you can't move on, except where you are for all of the good things in your relationship and don't make yourself, or him miserable. Strive to be happy. It's really all you can do. The next one might not be any better; could be worse.
Whatever you decide; single or married; really decide so you aren't unhappy.

April 29, 2015 - 8:54pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Anonymous is 100% CORRECT. I know because I am that husband. My wife and I have been living together since 1993, it is now 2015. I was 23 when she picked me up in a bar, so that could be part of the reason, as I was still a child and wasn't even really looking for a wife at that point in my life. But, I fell in love with her because she seemed to GET ME and saved me from myself (partying too much). We had lots of sex for the first 7 years or so, then things drifted off for a number of reasons. FIRST OFF ladies, most men want their woman to be confident in bed, sexy in a natural way not as if you are acting, and a bit dirty. Let's face it, this isn't your Mom and Dad's sex anymore. Maybe you should browse the porn sites and see what we are seeing. Some of it is going too far, but allot of it is perfectly safe and a HUGE turn on. Men DO NOT want to "Make love" .. man I hate that term. It's SEX, NOT love. Love is staying together and caring for and supporting one another. SEX is SEX. Listen to Motley Crue, wear your clothes a little too tight, slip a nipple out accidentally once in a while, bend over a counter with a skirt of and no panties with no warning at all. I'll digress, but you ought to get the idea .. hopefully. And DONT be BORING in bed. You need to hop on top of that guy and ride him like you are still in high school and your parents could come home at any minute. Men fantasize. They also need to look at other woman. If you know literally anything about the evolution of mankind, you'll understand that human men are not unlike Male lions in many ways and it is only society, the marriage vows and maybe safety that keep men from going out and having sex with any female that is willing. Men dream of threesomes where both woman are "taking care" of him. Watch the movie "The D Train" and listen to what Oliver Lawless says to the kid about his girlfriend. I mean come on now, you girls are watching the same movies we are .. don't you see how sex has changed ... for the better. Orgasms should be explosive every time because the excitement is there. For the truly daring, you might even want to consider bringing a female friend into the mix. If done right, and keep your emotions out of it, that could change everything and provide new excitement for years to CUM. And yes, I am personally addicted to porn. I look forward to it VERY much as it allows me to be the lion that my brain says that I am. No guilt, this is how our brains are and we cannot change that. Maybe years of marriage suppression will change that in about 1000 years from now, but for now, we are what we are. Monogamy is completely unnatural for Men. But some of us, like me do our very best to at least keep our marriages alive and well and we truly truly love our wives dearly, We just hate having sex with them. For me, eventually I was unable to orgasm, so I called it quits and right around that time porn was becoming better and better. My TV screen is huge with my PC hooked up to it and I can have sex with 100 woman virtually in about 1.5 hours. How can you compete with that. And yes once again, for the third time now I am trying to quit alcohol cold turkey. Life becomes boring and mundane after about 35 years and reality sets in for Men that none of their fantasies will ever come true. So drugs and alcohol fill that void. We are NOT as strong as you girls mentally. Our will-power is weak, I admit it for all Men here today. For me it is even worse because I now suffer from depression and anxiety and I think the lack of real intimacy and sex is part of it, but wanting to be sexual or have great sex cannot be forced or willed upon someone. It has to be natural, passionate, and a little dirty. I'll stop now as I am not sure what else to add, but if I stumble upon this post again and if anyone has any questions, maybe I can at least help explain. And as far as putting on weight, that's not a problem. I have been VERY attracted to heavier set girls many times. Perfect example is Amy Schumer. She is VERY sexy, because of her personality and what she says. Sex is between the ears and nowhere else. Simply speaking with a throaty sexy voice, if done right, could be all your man needs. And don't forget nipslips, upskirts, etc.

August 24, 2015 - 4:44am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

How dare you! All about what women can do. Is it so hard once in a while to be caring, gentle and loving towards your partner. Trying to get information out of my husband is impossible. 20 years on I still crave for him and even though we are in bed together he could be a million miles away. I feel ugly, it must be my fault, unloved etc. etc. My heart will always be a bit broken.

February 27, 2020 - 12:59am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

First of all, thank you. Your post was the most insightful, brutally honest, post I've read in the last few months on these blogs. It was, refreshing, albeit a real downer. The most interesting thing you said was that sex is "between the ears". Many men find me attractive but not my husband. Although I've tried to watch the porn he's into and change my appearance, dye my hair to look like Scarlet O'Hare and clean the house in a maid's outfit without underwear on, my husband remains completely unaffected (I might as well have been in my gym clothes). I've offered three Somes which turned into heated arguments about how "he's not one of my liberal polyamerous friends", and I've offered to make steamy sex tapes which were met with hostile remarks about how they would get leaked onto the Internet and ruin his career. Lingerie has no effect whatsoever...and don't get me wrong, I'm not boring in the bedroom. I'm into link and bondage and whatever else he would want to do. Day after day, I go unnoticed. He says "coming onto him has the same effect as putting a gun to his head and threatening to pull the trigger". So I backed off and stopped initiating. He'll start something like shove my hands down his pants on the kitchen and then pull away from me remarking that "he has a hankering for waffles". It's a waking nightmare trying to read his coy gestures.

November 22, 2015 - 8:19pm
EmpowHER Guest

Well I just turned 27 and we've been married for 3 years and it's already been a year my husband doesnt initiate sex. And we had sex less than 30 times during last 2 years and just after 4th or 5th time he told me that I do it in a very boring way. I never reached orgasm during sex, he doesnt want any foreplay as he finds it boring and a turn off to him, he even told me once during sex, that he doesnt feel comfortable and he wished we both had our clothes on!
I told him for acouple of times that he should start it too and to ask me for it cause I want to feel being wanted and desirable and all his answer is “Oh! Should I?!”
I really dont know what's the reason and unfortunately talking to him was of no use up to now as I've done it so many times

January 15, 2015 - 10:57am
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