Why is my husband addicted to porn and chat rooms?

That’s really hurtful that he would be so thoughtless as to involve your kids in his infidelity. I feel even more hurt for you as you had a bad go at love with your first husband and now this guy something like this can really kill the spirit. I think if he was just flirting or playing with the woman to get arousal you both should try to mend your hurt, but if it’s a lost cause then there’s only one thing left to do... I’m an sex addict the thing is I only want to have sex with my wife and I’m just too much for her and she leaves me loveless for so long, The longing becomes unbearable I can’t expect her to be in the mood as often as I am so I try to satisfy myself in other ways, I am absolutely against cheating and what I’m doing feels like cheating to me but I don’t know any other way of satisfying my needs and not cheat on my wife while trying to be faithful and waiting for her to come around is killing me. I just don’t know.

I am going through a similar situation. More like the exact one. My boyfriend is 33 and I am 26 and when we first were dating we would have sex all the time. Now we havent had sex in three months. The last time we had sex it was so fast. We use to have sex all the time. I have found his phone and its full of porn. We have been having problems in the bedroom for almost a year. I hurt my back a year ago and now I am better. I have gained weight from steriod injections and he has also gained weight. I still think he is the sexiest man and he says he is still attracted to me. I really dont know what to do because he watches porn at night when I am more than capable of satisfiying him. I have confronted him about it and he as lied to my face. I told him I know he watches porn a lot and he got really defensive. I really dont know what to do.

I just found out that my husband of 40 years has been looking at internet porn for the last two years. I understand how it could have begun innocently since he had stints put in his heart and the new blood pressure medicine was causing some problems with ED for him and I had lost my father, sister, brother, and brother in law in the last few years and my mon is suffering from dementia so in a very real way I have lost my entire immediate family and their support. So I have been very depressed and did not address with him at first my concerns that the intimate relations did not result in mutual fulfillment and that contributed to my lack of desire for sex. The bad thing was that we were both so self absorbed that not talking to each other for at least on my part I didn't want to hurt his feelings. I found a couple of pictures of naked women but was so shocked that I didn't look to see if there were more. He never learned to use a computer but we both got smart phones and he told me that a friend showed him how to find these internet sites. He blamed me for my lack of interest. And seemed to justify what he was doing even when I told him that I was deeply hurt by this and that it seemed totally out of character that he would contribute to an industry that exploited women. He adored his mother, was raised by 3 older sisters, has a daughter, and two beautiful grand daughters who he adores as well. He has always seemed disgusted by this industry in the past. I saw a couple more pictures over the course of the next 8 months but again I never searched his phone because I guess I didn't want to know it was bad. Still my opinion of him has decline, my anger towards him has grown steadily to the point that everything he does annoys me and sometimes I feel like I truly hate him. I don't understand how he can continue to do something that he knows breaks my heart, and we fight all the time. ( I can remember going years without either of us saying a cross word to one another. ). Now he always blames me, says I'm going crazy, and my self esteem has dwindle to almost nothing. We have terrible fights that last for days and we have said horrible things to each other that I'm not sure either of us will ever be able to forget. Still a part of me blamed myself. Then we had a really bad fight that lasted for days and totally ruined my birthday because I couldn't stop crying and therefore I couldn't be around my children or they would be probing as to why I was so upset and I was not ready to burn that bridge. Anyway he left his phone on the coffee table when he was in bed sick. I looked at his pictures. On his favorites album there were about eight pictures. A few of our grand babies, 2 of me when I was sleeping and my gown was up and did it include my face but were just of my underwear. Then one picture of a woman's face that I did not recognize. I clicked on it a was led to a porn sight that said there are 40 some odd women within 10 miles of his home that were ready to have sex with him. Then I scrolled down his photo albums and found one titled deleted photos. He apparently deleted them from his photo stream but kept the album. There were 687 deleted pictures and these were not just a naked woman these were women fondling themselves, and pictures of just twats, tits, and assholes. I was physically ill. I could not stop throwing up. Before I confronted him about it I did some research on line about porn why men do it, how addicted it is and how it changes their attitude about what women want. No wonder I felt like he wasn't making love to me anymore. No wonder it felt like he was doing with a whore, no kissing or fore play. I printed a lot of stuff from the internet for him to read hoping if he understood how damaging it was to him as well as me he would want to get help. He agreed that a lot of what I said was probably true but as far as I know has still not read them although he agreed to get counseling if I made the appointment but wanted to make sure I got counseling too. Last night he left his phone in the kitchen and since I had not done this yet I wanted to do an internet search on his phone hoping he would forget about it and then after he went to bed I could see if I found out anything else. I looked at it only for long enough to see that he had not deleted anything the casually threw a dish towel over it so maybe he wouldn't see it. Right before he went to bed he of course couldn't find his phone. He retraced his steps and finally found it under the towel. Now I don't know when I'll get a chance to see if it goes beyond still pictures. I'm seeing my psychiatrist tomorrow because I don't know what to do. I want to leave him but she told me that 38 great years should be worth getting help. I found a specialist counselor and made him an appointment I hope he goes. I don't have a lot of faith that he will change and I don't want to live in a marriage where I don't want my husband to touch me. I can give my email address at this time because that part is on the cloud and he can see my emails. I will need to set up a new account but please if anyone gas any advice if you could post it on the website I will update email once I set one up. Baffled in Austin

Hello, My name is Jen and I am a producer for a new talk show on CBS in NYC. We are looking to help couple in this situation. Please give me a call at 347-974-1641.

Hi,
I'm sorry you are going through this, but after reading your initial question (regarding your husband and porn addiction), and reading the remainder of your story...it sounds like the issue really is not about your husband watching porn, but rather, his SOLICITING sex from other women.

You know that he has done this since you have been with him, as you saw a picture he sent of himself to another woman, with the purpose of soliciting sex, and the picture included your son in the background. This is not OK.

Even with this information, you have decided to marry this man, and although you say you though he was different (his quietness seemed humble), you made a conscious decision to marry this man, knowing that he was soliciting sex from other women on the internet. Please stop making excuses and trying to figure out what is wrong with your husband, or pretending like you did not know this was going on. You say you knew about this when you were dating/living together, and decided to get married. That was your choice, and I truly think once you accept your decision, only then can you move forward. Do not demean or otherwise put yourself down for this decision, but rather, accept that you made this decision with the full information, own that decision, and then you can move forward.

How to move forward? You can't "fix" your husband, unless he is interested in seeking help. Once you know that you made a decision to be with this person---faults and all---then you have some of your own decisions to make, both for yourself and your children.

I believe the only way to figure out your next steps and how to move forward are through counseling. There is a reason why you continue choosing men who are unhealthy (to say the least). I am so glad you got out of one bad relationship that included violence---I am so, so sorry you wen through this, and you had to be very strong and courageous to more forward with your life and decide that you do not deserve to be battered and emotionally abused.

However, I am worried that you are continuing to choose men that are not able to provide you with their share of a healthy relationship. You can not "fix" your ex-husband's abusive behavior, just as you can not "fix" your current husband's behaviors to solicit sex from other women---whether or not it is labeled as porn. Yes, some men (and women) will view porn as part of a healthy sexual relationship, and this is controversial enough to many people, however, your now-husband emailing and sending pictures to a woman, asking to meet for sex is not OK. For numerous other reasons, there is a very high chance that these "women" are under legal age, and this would be criminal activity, illegal, and very harmful. Regardless if you were "only" dating or "only" living together, this is not OK to be treated in this way as his girlfriend/living partner/wife.

PLEASE seek help for YOURSELF through a qualified therapist who can help guide you through the process of determining what is best for you, who you deserve in your life, and what you can do to build a happy, nurturing, healthy home for yourself and your children.